Malia & Dana

Episode Report Card
Mr. Stupidhead: C- | Grade It Now!
Pump Up The Glam

Finally, it's time for Dana. She and Mike are going out to eat with her father, who's in from Reno. She doesn't see him very often, so she's excited to "catch up." In the car on the way there, the couple gets into a spat over the limo arrangements. Dana, understandably, doesn't want to arrange to have Mike picked up in the wrong place, and tells him so. After Dana asks him rather politely to take care of it, he gets all pissy and starts picking a fight with her. So far, I kind of think Mike is the lame one, you guys. She's calm, and he's the one getting all bent out of shape. Lame.

The two arrive at dinner, where Dana immediately bursts into tears. We're not shown why. None of the events leading up to her crying are shown. Mindy overdubs that the car "incident" has led to Dana's "emotional breakdown," but I have a distinct feeling we're just not being shown something. "In the blink of an eye, beastly Bridezilla dries her tears and spits fire!" Except, not at all. She very politely tells the waitress that they're in a bit of a hurry, and could she put a rush on their order, and the waitress is all, "Sure, let me see what I can do." Dana then says, "Fuck it," totally out of context. After a quick cut to her dad's girlfriend (I assume), she says, "I mean, it's been two hours. It's not that fun here." Okay. I don't think it's that bitchy to be slightly upset after waiting for food for two hours. Heads would have been rolling if I were in her shoes. But you know what? It doesn't matter, because that's the end of Dana for this week, which sucks because now I have to recap another ten minutes of Narbo. Weak.

It's Narbo's bachelorette party, and her "girls" are in full swing. Pun totally intended, because they are flappin'! "I don't know what my girlfriends have in store for me, but I know what Rich's best men have in store for him." Great, a tattoo. Wild and crazy times. We then get a shot of Narbo telling someone, "Get your ass in the car, now! Beeyotch!" "Beeyotch"? Really? At least try to make it fun by fucking with the word, Snoop-style. Like "bizznitatch," or "beeyaltazizzle." "Biznizzyatatatch!" Yeah, like that. ... Sorry, guys, not much sleep last night. And Narbo exhausts me. She's totally drunk (presumably on Cristal) before she even gets out of the limo, and starts embarrassing herself in front of a nightclub. She can't get in because she left her I.D. at home like an ass. I'm sorry, but her skinned is so over-tanned that it looks like leather. How could they doubt that she's over twenty-one? The editors try to blur out some of the more risqué items, such as the cock-straw she keeps waving around, to no avail. She acts like that one drunk girl at the party that nobody wants to talk to because she keeps embarrassing herself again and again. But do I feel sorry for her? No. Because she's doing the one thing she forbade Rich and Kevin to do: hitting up a strip club. What a snizzbazzlopadoo.

After hitting the bouncer in the face with a water bottle, she gets into the club (um, how?). She screams for about an hour about how much she wants to get onstage, and then when they call her name she acts all surprised and scandalized. She gets up there, and some dude who looks like Johnny Drama in a police uniform starts grinding his crotch on her face. We get a very interesting side-boob shot of Narbo at this moment. Then she calls Rich to tell him all about it, and on the table next to her we can see quite plainly the gigantic erection-shaped drinking mechanism she's been holding all night. Hey, editors. Way to blur! Psych! First the cock-straw, and now this? Man, I could totally do your job. Shit ain't hard. Anyway, Narbo then tells Rich that she's going to molest every man she sees (shudder), and that he should "fuck whoever" he wants, because this is "our night!" Woo! After this, she extends a very drunken open invitation to Oprah to appear at the wedding, not realizing that she is not only not on live television, but that Oprah probably doesn't watch anything except Oprah. She then tells the crew to "fuck off," gets in her limo, and goes home. Can we just do this thing already? I'm tired.

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