Marsha, on the other, handâ¦yikes. This woman not only proved herself the ultimate malapropism-spouting hog-pig shit-beast from Hades (some people call it Hell, I call it Hades), but she also restored my non-faith in humanity. I don't think being a bride-to-be alone caused this woman to stomp her pathetic fiancÃ©'s vertebrae into a fine powder, or force her entire family into indentured servitude while she vomits alien-acid blood on the poor girl who adjusted her gigantic ring for a better look. I think she's just one of those "Lifezillas" we've all heard so much about, whose sense of self-entitlement disallows her a single kind or compassionate word or sentiment for anyone but herself. There were several points where this recapper had to look away.
[sigh] Oh, boy. Let's just start where the show does, shall we? We begin with a little teaser of the show to come, with Marsha murdering what's left of the English language right up to the intro: "Until you get married, you don't understand what a bride has to go through as far as stress is." Uh, "... concerned"? Nope, not so lucky. That one really wasn't even that bad. We get a few more shots of these "brides getting belligerent," such as blonde Nikki making a nasty face and getting exasperated at various whatevers, and more Marsha cussing people out, pushing them away, and being a general you-know-what in the you-know-where. We're only twenty seconds in before she says, "Can somebody get me a gun?" Whoa, there, Bridezillas! Don't spoil all the sweet stuff! Let's get some opening-credit action. It's gonna be a loooooong hour.
Okay, sorry! I totally take it back. This intro blows! The song is so smurfy and lame I can hardly take it. And we don't even get commercially goodness afterwards? We go right back into the show? Come ON!
So, Marsha and Archie (henceforth Marchie) re-met at church a few years ago. Apparently, they dated back in high school (even though there's a four-year age difference, which means she was eighteen and dating a fourteen-year-old). Now, Archie is a "finance worker" and she's a nursing student. Hold on, that can't be right, let me just rewind here... Yup, nursing student. Really? That can't be... I just need to... no, I heard right. She is actually trying to enter a profession that requires at the very least a basic compassion for other people. I'm going to go and sob in the corner for a day or two, cool? Thanks.
Okay, I'm back. Sorry. Anyhow, Marsha: "We fell in love when we started to see each other again." Aww. They're so cute, right? No, I know I'm wrong. The show is telling me I'm wrong, because they're not playing any cutesy harp music or anything, they're still playing some mock 50 Cent beat that I wrote as a joke when I was five. It's way too hardcore for true love.
Apparently, this "love" that they "share" inspired them to get engaged and have a wedding. "A big wedding." Dude, now get this: "We have fifteen bridesmaids, fifteen groomsmens [sic], five junior bridesmaids, two junior groomsmens [sic], and three flower girls, and one ringbearer." Oh, you forgot about the partridge in a pear tree and your complete inability to say no anyone except your fiancÃ©! What the shit is a junior bridesmaid? And, "groomsmens"? Four minutes in, folks. Already I'm wishing I had a catapult to put this lady into.
Next, Marsha begins spouting crap like "Archie and I come from a very distinguished family [Really? Just one?], so they'll [sic] be a lot of things that we do that people probably won't ever be able to top." What in holy hell are you talking about? "Distinguished"? Care to elaborate? No? Thank God. Anyhoodle, Archie lives in Tennessee and Marsha lives in Texas, and the wedding is in Arkansas, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Just because, that's why. Doesn't this whole thing strike anyone else as totally wrong off the bat? No? Well, what if I tell you that the wedding coordinator is Archie's (real) sister, Lisa? Anyone? Bad idea? Anyone? Lisa: "Marsha is the perfect Bridezilla because she's a diva. She's demanding, aggressive, very picky, and she has to have it her way, or it's no way." Hmmm. Yeah. While Lisa's saying this, we're treated to shots of Marsha making non-stop bitchface while telling Archie, "No! I will not! I will not marry you!" and telling the camera, "I'm gonna have, like, the perfect wedding, so if that means that some people have to be replaced and their little feelings get hurt, then that's just the way that it's gonna be." Wowzers. You suck, lady! Dude, Archie, buddy, get out now. I'm dead serious, bro. It might also help if you grew a pair of testicles. "But then she wouldn't like me!" Yeah, I know. That would be a good thing.