Have you ever watched a rerun of an old sitcom, like Threeâs Company, and the plot becomes so contrived and embarrassing that you have to actually change the channel? That is what this hour of television felt like.
Marchie finally ties the knot, despite every possible indicator telling them otherwise, and after an hour-long cry-fest from Archie himself. You know what to expect from Marsha at this point, right? Well, hereâs more of the same. Thankfully, her trilogy is over, which means we can...
Start another one! With Regina, whoâs sure to remind us all that her name means âqueenâ in Latin. While her general demeanor and taste bug me, she was only in about five minutes of this episode, so I canât yet make a fair assessment of her Bridezilla...-ish...-ness? I guess we have another two weeks to find out.
Now this one was a doozy, my friends. Before I begin, let me just say that I spent at least half of this episode with my jaw in my lap. Sometimes, I'm just too aghast for words, as I was for much of tonight's episode. Unfortunately, the editors found it necessary to show us an entire fight between Marchie that was so juvenile, cyclical, and just plain long that recapping it is going to be difficult without resorting to quoting nonstop.
Again, let me reiterate that I do not know these kinds of people personally, and if I did, I would have to do whatever it took to not know them anymore. At this point, I'm just as disgusted with Archie as I am with Marsha. Sure, Marsha is a controlling, bitch-faced asshole that has no regard for anyone but herself and her ugly wedding. But Archie? He puts up with it. He enables her behavior constantly, and so does everyone else around them! Why? I don't know. I like to think that if I ever met her, I'd make her see stars, but who knows. Maybe she really is a servant to Beelzebub, and her powers cannot be matched by mere mortals.
So, let's begin, shall we? The narrator seems to think this is "the episode you'll never forget." She may indeed be right about that, loath as I am to admit it. We see some shots of Regina being a pill: "I want to be in control." Whatever. Then, some shots of Marchie, but I won't ruin it. You'll just have to wait. I've already started shivering.
Yeah, you know, this theme song doesn't get any better with time. I'm sorry to keep harping on it, but it's just so corny. As is...
... the marching-band-meets-50-Cent music they always play when Marchie's about to make an appearance. I really hope they get rid of this music when this couple is no longer with us. So, we're recapping (again) how they re-met, which I'm not going to go into again. Missed it the first two times? You know where the recaps page is. Anyway, Marsha mentions that she actually had to whittle down her side of the wedding party from twenty-two to fifteen. Geh. What a buttlock. "I just have a lot of people that love me." I find that impossible to believe. You are a bad person! "I would react very devastated if things didn't go planned accordingly." Oh, brother. Where did she go to school? Her grammar... ugh. So bad. Hate. So here's the "Bridezilla reveal," which I also hate. We know she's a Bridezilla, okay, show? You're called Bridezillas. We're not stupid. Well, not all of us. I'm assuming Marsha watched her own episodes, after all. I wonder if she's at all more aware of her actions and attitude now that she's watched the show. ... Yeah, no. She's not. Following this, we get more shots that we've seen a hundred times already, like, nice footage, Bridezillas. You couldn't have chopped this story down to only two weeks, for the love of God? Archie: "If I decide something, I basically don't wanna get chewed out, so I let her make all the decisions." Good for you. Grow a dick.
It's one week before the wedding, and Marsha's driving, as usual, and looking pissed, as usual. Again, more recapping of last week's "Are you worth all this?" debacle. God. We already watched! That's why we're here! We get it! It seems as though Lisa told them both, "You need to talk, and work out whatever it is that needs working out, because it doesn't need to be all this." Well, fucking duh. You can't figure that out for yourself, Marsha? You're an idiot. Lisa also told Archie that they were "a divorce waiting to happen." Marsha: "That made Archie really sad." Hmm. Yeah. I'll bet that's what did it.