Yoshie really doesn't give me that much to work with. Yes, she's screechy and irritating in some ways, but much like Nikki, she's a victim of editing. Overall, she just wants things on her big day to go swimmingly, and she and her fiancÃ©, while physically a bit of an odd couple, seem to share some genuine love and affection. So, why was she on the show? Surely, there must be some actual Bridezillas out thereâ¦you know, other than Marsha.
Just when I thought I couldn't possibly hate Marsha any more, Bridezillas shows us that what we saw last week was just the tip of the iceberg. Man oh man.
We start with what is a little more than just a rehashing of last week's episode: it's seriously, like, five minutes of Marsha bitching in now-familiar ways, making her patently snooty (or is it "distinguished") face wrinkle in disgust. She asks Archie, "Are you worth all of this?" Ugh. "It's all about the bride, not the groom." Hate!
Theme song. Hate!
And: more rehashing with Marchie. Archie: "We kind of rekindled everything. We picked up where we left off, those years earlier." You mean getting awkward, sometimes painful hand-jobs in the back of your Dad's Skylark just minutes before curfew? Thought so. And here's more shit we already knew: Archie lives in Memphis, Marsha in Dallas. They're from Little Rock, so they both travel there to be together, which makes Marsha "gripe -- grouchy half the time." Another thing that makes her grouchy (aside from being conscious) is her "fifteen bridesmaids and fifteen groomsmens," who we see as she's talking, and I gotta say, they look pimp-a-licious! Actually, they look pretty ridiculous, if you ask me. Top hats? Jeeeez. One of them looks just like Mario Joyner, the stand-up comedian. It seems that Marchie's budget for this thing has jumped from $30,000 to almost $57,000. What idiots.
Oh, great. Here comes the stupid build-up to our Bridezilla moment. The narrator thinks that Marsha was once an "even-tempered churchgoer." Churchgoer maybe. We see another shot of Marsha screaming at Archie, "No! I'm not gonna marry you!" When do we get to see that in actual chronological order? Next week? Dammit! Then Marsha, on the phone to a bridesmaid: "No, I wasn't talkin' nothin' to you, Nicole! I need her to get the dress that I paid for." You're dern tootin' you paid for that shit, because otherwise all of your bridesmaids would've laughed in your face, if they weren't afraid of choking on their barf after seeing those monstrosities. "I basically get my way." If only your "way" was to have me come to your house to shit on your pillow. "I don't care who I have to maneuver over." Where the hell did you learn how to speak, woman? I seriously can't even listen to her talk. It makes me want to pry her eyes open and force her to watch a repeated loop of a grammar film, Clockwork Orange-style.
So, it's ten days before Marchie's wedding, and we find Marsha driving (Nooooo! Get off the road!). She's "not in the most happiest spirit [sic]." The narrator mentions that Marsha has "declared war on everybody, starting with Archie," because she's having trouble controlling the 30-plus people in her wedding party. Marsha: "I'm really mad at him, I'm really mad at my maid of honor, I'm mad at my matron of honor, and my coordinator... I have to blame somebody!" God forbid you should ever blame yourself for anything that goes wrong. Did you ever consider that maybe having such an extravagant wedding isn't necessary? Top hats? Come on! Narrator: "Most brides would shudder at the thought of losing a bridesmaid. Not Marsha." Surprise, surprise. Marsha: "Everybody's replaceable." Wow. They must be really good friends of yours to get that kind of star treatment, right? Wrong: "Most of my friends have never met Archie. They don't know his number or anything. For all I know, they might wanna go back and be with him theirselves [sic]. They might even wanna go back to him and say some crap that's not even true. Anything to destroy a marriage." Holy. Shit. Okay, she's just straight up delusional and paranoid. I've never seen anyone like this. So, you're keeping your fiancÃ© to yourself because you're afraid that your "friends" are going to either steal him from you or turn him against you? How could they possibly sabotage you? You've done such a great job of it yourself! You don't need their help! You self-centered hog! ARRRRGGGHH! Marsha: "They charge you for everything!" Wait, who? Your friends? When did we change topics? "If they wanted to, they'd probably follow you into the bathroom and charge you for that, too." Who is this "they" you keep referring to? The wedding... planning... industry? Your terrible friends? And why would they have to follow you into the bathroom to charge you for it? Shut up. Marsha's concerned that her ability to "smowl" will be defunct by the time of the wedding. "Even if I can smile it'll have to be a fake one." I'm sure it will.