[Stretches neck. Cracks knuckles. Breathes deeply.]
Hey, everybody! Great to be back. Well, you know, in Brooklyn at least.
So. Milena, huh? Real prize, that one.
We start with the usual montage of bitchiness, with shot after shot of Milena making ass-face, and bitching about her future MIL, and getting her goddamn cathedral veil caught on various things. I don't get the whole cathedral-veil thing. Like, you're not royalty. You're not even close. You can't even utter a single sentence without the word "fuck" in it. What makes you think you're so special? I think it's just a device that modern brides use to ensure that people pay attention to them. Yet, oddly enough, Milena doesn't have anybody carrying hers for her, so what's the effing point? Whatevs. I'll save it for later.
Goddamn theme song. I didn't miss that, I can tell you right now. "Can't talk to her / can't kill her." Shut. Up.
Speaking of the shitty music on this show, what's up with the frenetic clap-fest they use to introduce Milena? I just don't get it. What are they trying to go for? Is there some genre that they're trying to simultaneously pay homage to whilst reinventing it? Could that genre be found in the "suck" section of your local FYE? I think so. I digress.
Milena, who's 23, met Adi, 30, at college. He's a (late-blooming) law student, and she...well, she probably majored in communications or something. Adi: "I was interested. She has a beautiful smile, and that obviously draws attention." I'll admit, she does have a nice smile, but it's not something we see very often this episode. Just sayin'. Mindy? How 'bout saying something stupid? "When Adi finally proposed, it was like something out of Sleeping Beauty." Because he proposed to her when she was waking up in the morning. Good one, Mindy. Mindy totally has that newscaster way of speaking, where she uses that sort of Colbert-esque cadence. You know what I mean. She sucks. You know who also sucks? Milena, who was none too happy with Adi's choice of what I call Prop-Meth (proposal method). "I didn't expect anything too over the top, but I expected a little bit of something." Care to elaborate? ... Guess not.
Apparently, when it comes to the wedding, Milena is "all about flair," because her once $60,000 wedding has now doubled in cost, which...yikes. Milena: "I was shocked." Yet, still you persisted in getting all the shit you don't need. Dickhead! "It's kind of a 'worldwind.'" (Thanks, closed captioning. I thought I was the only one who caught that.) "I didn't think it would be that expensive to, you know, follow through with." Then maybe you shouldn't follow through with it, and save the money for a mortgage or a Jaguar or something.