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The Warpath 2: Electric Milenaloo

They leave to go get their nails done. Of course, Milena's mom stands outside the whole time smoking stoges, probably just to get away from her piece-of-shit offspring for a moment of peace and quiet. "I came here to bond, and she's bonding with a cigarette instead." When Mom comes back: "Can you, like, stay here for more than two seconds, please? Nobody called you. Don't call anybody. Don't even check your voicemail." Um, not your birthday, hers. Jerkface. Mom's not even going to get her nails done now, and Milena's all "whatever," and I don't even care. I can't believe they've devoted this much time to such a stupid issue already. Mindy's all, "Even though it's her birthday, Mom gets stuck with the tab." Dude, not to defend Milena or anything, but right after this, she says, "Mom, why are you paying? It's your birthday." And Mom says, "It's okay. I'm your mommy." So there you go. Oh, wait: "In that case, I saw a really nice dress I couldn't get for the party. Can we go there?" Bitch!

Adi's car, where he's driving Milena...somewhere. She's getting on his case about almost everything. She even calls him a piñata, which is such a stupid joke. "Why am I the piñata?" "Because I feel like hitting you right now, and that's what you do to a piñata." I just like writing "piñata," is that wrong? I rarely get to type tildes. I need a new hobby.

Finally, they get where they were headed, which is apparently the final fitting for Milena's dress. After her mom and Adi talk about not seeing the bride in her dress, which he already has, Milena tells us, "I don't really subscribe to the whole, you know, something white, something blue, something old, something...whatever rhymes with one of those three things." Clearly you don't subscribe. Clearly you didn't receive the latest pamphlet from Modern Bridal Cliché. Milena's dress is, naturally, strapless and froofy and big and annoying and...I just puked my pants! It's been a while. Aw, memories. The bottom looks very wedding cake-y, and I just don't like it very much. They're waiting for the cathedral veil, it seems, and Adi doesn't have time for it. However, he does think she looks "terrific," which...good for him. They practice dancing, and mom gets all gooey. "Here is the river," says Adi. Shut up, Adi. She's cute.

Can we get some commercials in here, please? Suhweet.

Back at...Adi's? I guess. Whatever. He and Milena are finalizing the menu. A lot of guests haven't RSVPed, so Milena is "PO'd." Oh, Mindy, do shut your yapper. Milena: "I don't want someone to show up that didn't RSVP. I don't want that drama at my wedding." That's why you pick up the phone and find out from that person yourself. Grow up! So, she does just that, and the next two minutes are just her on the phone, and it couldn't be more boring. This is what I hate about this show. They stretch these stupid storylines out over weeks, but they never have the material for it! So they waste time with filler like Milena calling people, which isn't really bitchy, it's just her doing what she has to. It's so ridiculous. Then Milena and Adi get into a nothing fight about the place cards at the reception, and I get pissed at myself for even taking a side (his). This takes another two minutes of the show, and I'm blind now from banging my head into the wall. Finally, Adi gets the sack up to tell her to do it herself, and storms off. Sweet.

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