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The Warpath 2: Electric Milenaloo

Things are still running late, and the flower girls haven't arrived. "I want my fucking flower girls here, if you have to bring them on a leash, I don't care." It seems that her future SIL has them. "What fucking bozo in that family thought they were supposed to be here at 5:30? We were supposed to take pictures first." Yikes. And, heh. "Bozo." "Fine, fuck the flower girls. We don't need 'em. Can we just start?" "Your mom's not here, either." "We don't need her, either." Jesus! That's your mom, asshole!

I'm getting tired, you guys. This has been about five minutes of the same shit, over and over again. We get it, show. She's a bitch. She's ready to start. Now, someone from the Bridezillas team recently emailed me, and told me there's a new crew for the rest of the season for what I call the "peripheral Bridezillas," that is, not the main 'Zill that they'll probably be wasting our time with for multiple episodes. That's all fine and good, but the editing is what's atrocious. It's the whole idea that they can stretch some of these weddings out over weeks when they hardly have enough material for one episode. My spy told me that despite my opinion, the show has done wonders for ratings over at the WE network. Isn't that special? Yeah, no.

Mindy informs us that now, Milena's ceremony is an hour and a half behind schedule, which, okay. I'd be pissed, too. Again, I'm not trying to defend Milena, but seriously. An hour and a half? What are you doing? No matter: "Milena's life as a bride is about to begin, even if this bride is doing more crushing than blushing!" Oh, come on, Mindy. Please tell me you're not writing this shit yourself. That's bad.

So, you know, ceremony. Blah blah blah wedding-cakes. It looks pretty nice. Milena complains about five times walking down the aisle that someone is stepping on her veil, even though nobody is. What a bitch. The soundtrack plays some sort of mock "Bittersweet Symphony," which makes me want to scream. You know what's awesome, though? A loud-as-hell propeller plane flies overhead, going really slowly, drowning out the ceremony for about a full minute. That rocks. Anyway...rings, kisses, glass-breaking, then some mock Coldplay on the soundtrack. Let's party! But not before stepping on that goddamn veil a few hundred more times.

During picture time, Milena keeps threatening Adi's family with "funerals." We get it. You're maaaaad. Get over it and get drunk, dude. Jesus. Also? After taking that stupid shot that all of these brides seem to get where she's sitting on the ground with her huge, froofy dress surrounding her, Milena bitches about the grass she got on her. Well, dude, then don't take the fucking picture sitting on the ground. Ugh.

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