Rhyan & Malia

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Rhyan's Hoarf

Rhyan's now going to get some hair extensions for the wedding. "My biggest fear is that I'm going to look ghetto." I hear that, I suppose. "Hopefully, she'll have a bottle of champagne waiting for me as soon as I walk through the door." Hmm. A little excited to get our drink on, are we? Well, they totally do have champagne waiting for her, and she digs right on in. Rhyan interviews that she and Onur have arguments about her drinking on a pretty regular basis, but more so when she has "episodes," or seems to have lost control. "I've always been a bit of a drinker, you know, socially. I like to have a glass of wine to unwind." Totally understandable. "Lately, the bottles have been piling up, and it's probably a horrible way to relieve stress." I can think of worse ways. After a little while at the salon, she's clearly getting a bit...well, drunk. "Keep the party goin'. Keep the party goin'," she says while pointing at an almost empty glass.

"Rhyan has affectionately named the alter ego she becomes after a few drinks." Apparently, that name is Levitica. No explanation, that's just... what it is. You're weird, Rhyan. "She gets a little loud and loquacious." Good word, dude! "Onur doesn't like that." Well, that's his problem. You guys met at a bar. He's a bar-tender. Actually, it seems that it really is his problem, because now that Levitica's been released, Onur's shit out of luck as far as a ride home is concerned. He's pissed, naturally. She tries to stammer out an excuse, but fails miserably. "I've haven't had that much to eat, so I'm -- no, no, no. I'm not...hey! No! Jusslissen."

Coming up...Rhyan "hits the bottle at full throttle." Oh, man. Don't rhyme, Mindy. It's so cheese-ass when you do that. Also, Malia, who...oh, you know.

As you all know, Malia dreams of "a wedding with stars...Hollywood stars!" Mindy, don't be a douchenozzle. We already know this bitch, let's just get on with it. "Will Malia get a reality check? Or will she become a name-dropping, social-climbing, got-Oprah-on-speed-dial, off-the-chain Briiiidezilla??!!" I think we all know the answer to that one. Clippy time: "I will castrate you!" "Get in the car, now!" "Rich is going to flip his shit!" "[Heavy breathing]." "This is my day." "Richard will give directions only! Everybody else, zip it!" Wow. "Fuck that!" "You haven't done shit!" "Oh my gawd!" "God rest your soul, sweetie!" What a fucking headache this chick is. I mean, she's far from the worst we've seen, but she's pretty bad. I just hate how she keeps trying to pass her attitude off as cute or endearing. It's not. No amount of hey-you-guys-see-what-a-bitch-I'm-being winking can cover up what a bitch she's... actually being.

And we're back with Rhyan, who's trying to sleep it off. She gets a call from Onur, and he still needs a ride home. "I don't want to be lectured. Do you need me to come get you or not?" The answer appears to be "yes." She seems to be hurtin' on the way to get him, and her eyes are half-open the entire time. Finally, she gets down to Onur, who immediately begins lecturing her on her drunkenness. Out of nowhere, they begin talking about his bachelor party, while Rhyan interviews, "I don't know anybody that's in a perfect marriage." What the fuck? That clip has nothing to do with the action. Nice non sequitur. Anyways, Rhyan's annoyed that Onur wants to have his bachelor party on Thursday after pulling a double shift, because Friday is the wedding and she doesn't want him looking like a heap of alcohol-doused shit. This shit is boring. They're boring. I don't care about these people.

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