Rhyan & Malia

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Rhyan's Hoarf

Finally, they get there. "Rhyan does not have a close relationship with her family, so they were not invited." Dang, that's cold! Anyway, they only have about four people down there on the beach with them. They have two other friends who officiate, and that's it, seriously. Oh, wait...I think there's a photographer. And a chick walking her dog. But that's it. It's a pretty minimal ceremony, and they cut through the bullshit like a samurai sword through butter. They exchange vows, and kiss, and it's over. I'm pretty sure they didn't even edit it. It looks pretty windy down there. Man, that was anti-climactic.

"Rhyan's wedding day bliss is about to be shattered." Okay...? " Onur's interrogation about her bachelorette party." Oh, Christ, this again? Damn, dude, you just got married! You have to start up with that again now? You suck, dude. They go through the exact same shit as before. Rhyan: "I say let's just forget about it." He clearly doesn't want to, and doesn't relent for another five minutes. Of course, he drops his line of questioning when she flips it on him and asks him how much he drank at his party the night before. Yeah, he pretty much just shuts right up. "It doesn't matter." What? You're a hypocrite, Onur. Shut your face.

At their "post-nuptial luncheon," Rhyan gets all aggro because Onur is slamming back scotch with his buddies and doesn't even offer her a drink or any food or anything. What an asshole. Again: Dude, you just got married! Get the knack! At least go hang out with your bride instead of your bros, and tear your fucking eyes away from the game for a second! Man, this shit is not going to last, I can tell you that much right now. Rhyan's friend (who looks kind of like Francie from Alias) appears really uncomfortable. Rhyan: "Am I wrong for being annoyed?" Not at all, dude. Nice luncheon. Where's all the, you know...lunch? And, like, guests? Who are you people? Did you guys get married just to be on this show? Because I'm not seeing much love here, y'all. When she tells Onur that she's about to start crying, he says, "What can I do?" Gee, how 'bout not being such an insensitive cocklord and getting your lady a plate of hummus and a cosmo? Fucking asshole! She heads to the bathroom, and he stops her and asks, "Why are you crying?" "Because I married a fucking tool!" No, she just says that she's hungry and annoyed, but I know what she really meant.

Back to Malia and Rich, who are meeting with their "celebrity" photographer at a cigar bar, of all the random places in the universe. Malia, clearly impressed, immediately begins to cry when she sees how "movie star" her shit is going to be. She's rocking the "tremble-chin" that people get when they're trying to hold back tears. The photographer is certain that they're "going to have a great time." All righty, then.

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