Shelayna & Milena

Episode Report Card
Lauren S: C- | Grade It Now!
Is That A Beer In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

She finally gets out of the house and makes it to the castle, where it turns out that, despite running late, she's still the first one there. She engages in some more running around in circles since her mom is not there with the dress. In a moment, though, she's found it. (I guess her mom arrived somewhere in there? Was she looking for her mother, or the dress? Editing - it's not that hard, guys.) When she comes across it hanging up on a door, she yells, "I found my purse!" Unfortunately that leads me to believe this routine is played out many times a week with any number of misplaced items around her house.

Before you know it, her wedding ceremony has arrived. Her bridesmaids are in the black dresses that Bart tried on, and all of them, I'm happy to report, have fit over their asses. Unfortunately, they're accessorized with black fur capelets (not bad) with BIG WHITE SATIN BOWS. The bows absolutely ruin the outfit since they stand out like huge, floppy, sore thumbs. She comes down the aisle on her dad's arm, smiling, and Bart looks surprisingly composed and serious at the end of the aisle. She's carrying a beautiful red rose bouquet and really looks lovely. However, her face ends up pulled tight and unsmiling for most of the ceremony. She looks completely tense and like she's worried that something horrible is going to happen, and I feel like when they're pronounced husband and wife and they kiss, she's by far more relieved than happy. I'm actually sad that she seemed to not be able to enjoy her own wedding ceremony. As they walk out, she manages to smile a little bit more.

She's almost home free. The bridesmaids are blowing bubbles at the newlyweds; Brent is, unsurprisingly, bright red; and the cake is beautifully decorated with red roses just like her bouquet. She's wearing a white capelet to match those that the 'maids had on, and in all white, it looks really cute with her dress. She finally looks happy...and then sees what one of the bridesmaids is wearing. Her dress is now accessorized with an oversized, dumpy black leather jacket and slippers that cover her entire foot and ankle and that look like giant blue and white basketball sneakers. They're hideous. And trust me -- this comes from someone who three months ago wore slippers under her own bridesmaid dress at one of her best friend's wedding. However, we were in monogrammed slippers given to us by the bride, underneath floor-length gowns, put on after photos and toasts and introductions and used for champagne-fueled dancing into the night. These were on before the couple even arrived, and with the tea-length dress looked like something more acceptable on a six-year-old. Even then it would be tacky, but more acceptable. Shelayna cries, "Brianna, nooooo!" and then tells them they're in trouble. (I'm not sure why it's "them," since Brianna is the only one with the hellacious taste, but maybe the others for allowing her to do that.) The couple dances, wears silly hats and wigs in a conga line, and seems to finally be having a really good time. When Shelayna goes to take a break at the table with the 'maids, she again chastises them playfully. Brianna isn't having any of it. In the most egregious bad wedding manners ever, she stomps away, then bursts into tears, complains of being tired, and cries about Shelayna acting the way she did. Shelayna handles it really gracefully, soothing her injured little ego by saying that the show needed to see a reaction. But I say she was completely allowed to exclaim when she saw those for the first time, and Brianna was no way in the right to create a scene at her friend's wedding, and in front of the cameras, no less. Brianna is on my shit list -- the absolute opposite of the fantastic Leticia.

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