Just to make us haaaaaaate even more, the lovely editing staff cuts together a Montage of Fountains spraying up. You know, like ejaculation! Like female ejaculate spewing forth from Britney's tiny pee hole because the kiss we just were forced to witness between K-Fed and BritBrit was just that damn good. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT US TO GET FROM THIS?! HUH?! Cuz I'll say it, boy. I'll break it down. Jizz flying everywhere. There. We get it. Are you happy, fuckers?! (Yeah, the Novocain is definitely wearing off. Where's my dang Vicodin?)
Backstage. Make-up chair. BritBrit annoys the gay Asian make-up dude by singing a N.E.R.D. song really poorly. As she's be-corseted, she claims to be feeling "great" tonight. Good for her. I'm still trying to get over the fountain shots. BritBrit ululates, and then goes out onstage. Montage of Cirque Du So Gay. K-Fed shoots footage from the side of the stage as she lip-syncs some song where she shows her ass a lot. Yeah, I'm sure that narrows it down to, say, all of her songs. Mo looks annoyed. K-Fed showingly takes a long shot of one of the male dancers twirling in his underpants. Hee. K-Fed then displays his prodigious grasp of math as he proclaims the audience to be made up of "a hundred-and-fifty thousand people." I'm sure as a little kid in Fresno he often heard, "Sorry, little Kevin. No, there aren't 'five bajillion' jellybeans in the jar. There are actually two-hundred and forty. Sorry, you didn't win." K-FedNow! then backs up a whole truckload of horseshit to dump on our feet as he claims that he never treated her any differently because she's rich and famous and that he doesn't think about the "fame" or "glory." I think about the glory. The glory that is commercials.
K-Fed: "Yo, fats! If Veronica Mars is "This year's It Girl," then what does that make you? Aw, shit, baby! Ow! I didn't mean it. Don't kick me out of the-- damn, yo. Baby girl got mad at me. Shoot. Now where did I leave Shar's number?"
Back. Tour bus. Night. French/Spanish border. The bus gets stopped. BritBrit turns the camera on her chunky, choppy mug and says that they've been stopped by border patrol and she's about to be kidnapped "by another country." That's sort of funny without her meaning it to be. "Yeah, right," says K-Fed, mad because he was in the middle of a really good dream where he was flying and he had all the MGD 40 ouncers he could drink. K-FedNow!, so manly that he is unafraid to rock a pink shirt, wife-beater, ginormous cargo manpris with massive Dawson thigh pockets big enough to carry a carton of smokes and a bottle of Ralph's brand "Cognac," with a huge ugly gold chain topping off the ensemble. It's like he got Queer Eye-d by 1987. He yokels about how the border patrol was going through their luggage and BritBrit started freaking out. BritBrit continues talking to her camera about how this is the last they'll ever hear from her and she loves us all. K-Fed laughs. BritBrit's acting is that perfect high school awkward faux-"heartfelt" hand-to-chest acting that all the senior girls had by then perfected and you saw them doing it in some lame A. R. Gurney play when you were a sophomore, and you fell hard, thinking they were for goddamn sure future Oscar winners. Only ten years later, in retrospect, do you realize they were pretty awful and probably, seeing as how they now work for the Department of Transportation in Tuscon and have three horrible children and two horrible ex-husbands, that your blinded-by-older-girl-boobies assessment of their acting ability and future award-winner status was, probably, when it came down to it, slightly off. Also, in retrospect, you realize that half of your teachers were gay, including the music teacher who really liked to give you private trumpet tutoring on your "fingering" and "tonguing technique," but that's a different story. BritBrit continues that she's about to be kidnapped and taken away forever and if anyone finds this tape she just wants to be remembered as a good person. Hey, honey. Just worry about being remembered at all. BritBrit smiles at herself and then contorts her face and says to K-Fed, "That was kinda deep!" I take what I just said back. I'm sorry. It was an insult to all high school actors.