Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Magic Happens

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The Worst Fountain In Europe

They're in Madrid, Spain and I apologize in retrospect to all the Spanish people BritBrit and K-Fed no doubt referred to as "Mexicans" while they were there. Madrid. Madrid. Madrid. K-Fed and BritBrit fuck around in some open courtyard while K-FedNow! and Boobney do some skank-over about how they got into a big fight and he threatened to leave. And while this is the best footage they could come up with to indicate a "fight" -- even though in the footage they're clearly getting along fine -- K-FedNow! goes on to explain that she didn't want him to go but she pretended she did and it got "old" and K-Fed wasn't going to let her push him away, because he knew how she really felt about him deep down. Well, also, free trip to Europe! Who's going to let that shit go without a fight? Boobney babbles about love being scary or some shit. Only if you're in love with a mongoose.

Now BritBrit shows the K-Fed cam around their little villa. BritBrit "jokes" about doing a music video in there. While we have to sit through this unbelievably pointless footage, Boobney and K-FedNow! blather on about how he wasn't going to tell her he loved her until she was "sure" she loved him. Or something. Maybe. More pointless Spanish CRIBS-esque video of BritBrit dancing and showing off the Spanish archways as the gruesome twosome talk about how K-Fed finally did say "it" and then things blossomed from there. Boobney gives her brilliant theory on love and letting go and tearing down walls. Pink Floyd should sue her. So should music. And television.

Now in the video, BritBrit and K-Fed are hanging out and now they're clearly closer than ever because there is less bantering going on and they're just talking more. BritBrit, more relaxed, babbles about what's good about them. "It's like we're friends, and we have good sex...well, I think we do. And I think we're cute. Like, we're cool. We're not too serious. We're not too anything. We're fun. And I like that." Okay, let me offer a quick rebuttal. A) You're not friends. You have a parasitic relationship and that can never breed true friendship. The hippo can "get along with" the tiny birdie who lives on his back, but they'll never be BFF. B) Your sex is certainly mediocre at best, because you're both always high, dirty, and there is always a transmission of virus involved in the act. C) Not cute. D) Not cool. Etc. Etc.

AHHHHH! Oh, it's just Fee. Hi, Fee. (By the way, I refuse to call her "Fe." That's not a word. "Fee" is barely a word, but at least it looks like how it's supposed to sound. "Fe" is something old Jewish men say when they don't like something. Actually, that's pretty fitting in our case.) Fee, in an unfortunately close-up shot, drawls on that BritBrit found someone she could trust and enjoy and open up to. Quick shots of K-Fed lookin' more toolish than the whole set of Makita drill bits sitting unused in the corner of my laundry room. Boobney tells us that she "fell hard" as a "sexy" version of "Oops!..." plays.

Suddenly, they're back in the same hotel room or whatever where we've seem them chatting before and BritBrit sets the feminist movement back a few years as she light a cigarette, glowing green from either the night vision camera or the Hepatitis, and says, "I'm all for girl power..." K-Fed interrupts, interjecting that everybody "needs to be loved," and that's funny enough that I'll just leave it alone. BritBrit continues her "thought," saying, "I want somebody who will take care of me." Whoa. Really? Um, then I think you picked the wrong guy. If you mean, take care of you, as in, give you twenty bucks for generic-brand cigarettes every week from the disability check he illegally receives in place of his friend who died last year in a meth lab explosion, then you're set. But I take it she means something a little more upscale. BritBrit continues, looking all faux-scared, asking to K-Fed's camera, "Is that stupid?" "No," lies K-Fed, adding, "It's the furthest thing from stupid." This seriously is the type of conversation you have at summer camp when you're fourteen and you're discovering the potent and dreamy mixture of cigarettes, the opposite sex, and freedom from your parents for the first time. Not when you're in your twenties and already have children. K-Fed isn't done yet. He continues, "It's probably the smartest thing I've heard you say since I've been out here." Well, now that's just sad then, if that's true. BritBrit cries. So do people with actual problems. You selfish, pointless, rude, mannerless, unloved cockslap! (Sorry, I think the Novocain is starting to wear off.)

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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

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