Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Magic Happens

Episode Report Card
Stee: F | Grade It Now!
The Worst Fountain In Europe

Cirque Du So Gay. Barcelona, Spain. The homosexual male dancers wear ass-less chaps. That's funny. "Whoo!" says BritBrit. Then she threatens to marry the audience. Que?

BritBrit sings "Straight Up" in her hotel room. Honestly, she sounds more like a reject from American Idol, but one rejected on, like, the very first day, than an international pop singer. She laughs. We don't. K-FedNow! starts listing off everything he can think that he likes about her that doesn't involve "surprisingly enthusiastic blow jobs" or "her mad cash, yo." BritBrit tries to dance all seductively, but it comes across as spastic, as she hears some classical music playing outside her hotel room. She goes to the window and tries to sing some "opera" but instead she just makes little atonal screechy noises that sound like a laryngitis patient struggling to make his first sound in weeks. She laughs and comes away from the window deeming it "cool." K-Fed agrees that it was "cool." BritBrit now waves and air-kisses people who are gathering outside the window down on the street.

Mo camera-talks that he "loves" K-Fed for making BritBrit feel good and happy. The reason the camera is so close to him, in case you were wondering, is so that you can't see the gun pressed to his head.

Now the real operatic torture begins as Britney asks K-Fed if he wants "some" beer or Zima or whatever, and when he says no, she gets all schmoopy and comes to the camera and says that yes, he does want "some of this" and she shows her cleavage and then they start making out really close to the camera and the lens is frantically trying to rack focus to get away from having to record the gnarly spectacle of Britney tonguing his vagina-beard, her breath smelling of Marlboro Lights, bad singing, Smirnoff Ice, and balls. Poor camera. Poor us. And when the kiss ends she does that annoying thing of smiling and saying to the person you just kissed, "Hi." And while I'm not going to say I've never done it, I've never done it where it made me want to VOMIT! Which this does. Britney bounces back to fix her Zima and proclaims incorrectly for the second time in minutes, "Okay, that was cool." Okay, you're a dumb whore.

Just to make us haaaaaaate even more, the lovely editing staff cuts together a Montage of Fountains spraying up. You know, like ejaculation! Like female ejaculate spewing forth from Britney's tiny pee hole because the kiss we just were forced to witness between K-Fed and BritBrit was just that damn good. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT US TO GET FROM THIS?! HUH?! Cuz I'll say it, boy. I'll break it down. Jizz flying everywhere. There. We get it. Are you happy, fuckers?! (Yeah, the Novocain is definitely wearing off. Where's my dang Vicodin?)

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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic




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