Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

Episode Report Card
Stee: C- | Grade It Now!
Lifestyles of the Brit And Anus

BritBrit talks with her gay Asian hair dude about commitments and relationships. Sounding like Elephant Boy, he says he'd get married for free health care, which makes BritBrit laugh, her giant choppers threatening to destroy the camera at any second. BritBrit then says she doesn't believe in marriage, even though she has been married before. A thick-accented Londoner comes in to fix the couch or something and he says he was married twice and everyone laughs and then BritBrit makes a rude face about her own quick marriage to the non-Seinfeld-ian Jason Alexander. Now BritBrit is talking to her assistant named Felicia, who she seems to call "Fee." I'm not going to say Fee fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on her way down like some people have asserted, or that she looks very much like Amanda Plummer, but suffice it to say, I believe BritBrit enjoys surrounding herself with people who make her Edward James Olmos skin look a little more normal in comparison. Anyway. Fee says that she hasn't met anyone she can't live without yet, but when she does she'll want to get married.

Boobney tells us that Felicia is not just her assistant but her friend and her "everything," and that she loves her a lot. And while she says it, she does that hand-to-her-heart gesture that lets us know that nothing she says is true and that she has to try to force feeling into her heart with her hand, so low is her lack of true emotion for the woman who fetches her Funyons and replaces her tampons.

Fee says she wants a younger guy who is happy with himself. Lacto-Britney camera-talks that she was asking questions about relationships back then because she hadn't had one in a while and was trying to put it out to "the universe." I wish that was the only thing she was putting out to the universe. As opposed to this show. Or music. Or children.

Now we get a "britney cam." Eh. She tells us she wants a guy who is cool and not phased by much and hasn't seen much because she's "seen a lot." Yeah, I guess it's hard to erase the image of walking in on Justin and Joey Fatone going at it. (Have you ever noticed that if you break down Joey's last name it's actually "Fat One"? Hee.) Fictional guy has to love her "a lot," too. And that's it. Then she lies that she doesn't care what they look like…retracting the statement a moment later. She asks Gay Hairdresser. He wants a rich man.

London. London. BritBrit gets in the car to go to TRL UK. She babbles to the driver Chris and Fee. Enimem plays and BritBrit sings along with "My Band," fucking up the lyrics. Wow, voice like an angel. BritBrit really needs to pay those with Avids who edit this show to do some filter work on her pores if she's going to be holding the camera that close all the time. Her pores are more clogged than…oh, what? Rush Limbaugh's colon? Too easy? Yeah, probably. I could go for something like Kirk Douglas's diction, but that's just obscure. And mean. They arrive at TRL UK and Fee has to tape the show, for some reason, on her "felicia cam." We get the TRL UK opening and then Fee tapes and BritBrit walks out to "Toxic" and meets the Carson Daly of London. She answers some asinine questions and then they play her "new" video. It's the one with Stephen Dorff where she all faux-kills herself in the tub. Boobney then uses the background of the gentle plinky song to tell us again how real she is and how she just wants love like everyone else. Lie!

BritBrit turns the camera on her back-up dancers Teresa and Sunny as they try to put make-up on for the show. She asks the girls, who clearly fucking hate her, what they feel about marriage and commitment. Teresa wants to get married. Sunny doesn't know if she believes in marriage. BritBrit says she doesn't either. She and Teresa agree that they're both "Bitter Betties." Boobney says the following, trying furiously to backpedal on why she's now married to Cletus when back then she said she didn't believe in marriage: "I think talking it out to your girlfriend can kind of justify and create what you want, you know, in the future." The fuck? She goes on to camera-talk about how she thirsted for companionship (cock) and for some reason couldn't get this one guy out of her head that she met. Then we get the best shot of ferret-y K-Fed twisting his head back to look into the camera and smile his douchey smile. Slo-mo. Fade out. Heeeeee!

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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic




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