Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

Episode Report Card
Stee: C- | Grade It Now!
Lifestyles of the Brit And Anus

Another show. Some weird fat drag guy walks out on stage lip-syncing some stupid intro. Wow, this show looks awful. Like "Starlight Express" without the roller skating. Aw, our little captioner wrote, "Theonix Hotel." I love her. Britney walks backstage and then she's on and we get a clip or two of "Crazy." Bad dancing. Bad dancing. Then while the prerecorded song plays, Boobney's gigantic boobs camera-talk that she was on tour having a lot of fun but she realized there was "this huge void" (again together, but this time: "In your vagina!") and she'd met this guy in L.A. and she figured, "Why not just bring him to London with me?" Um, I have an answer to that. Because he has a kid, and another on the way? Because he's a parasitic douchehole? Because he'll fill you up with herpes? Commercials.

Shots of L.A. Malibu. Ocean. Downtown. Boobney talks about "this guy" she met. Hollywood sign. And then there he is: K-Fed. Greasy hair. High, red, beady, too-far-apart cobra eyes. Weak beard fit for a seventh grader or a burgeoning vagina. Giant Barry Bonds diamond earrings which should never ever be seen on a man, let alone a white man. Slurred, inarticulate, faux-down voice. The toolset of the tool. Baby's Daddy Cubed. Cletus, come to life. K-the-fuck-Fed. He sets the scene for how he and Mealticket met. He was living in town with a friend and they always went dancing every Monday night at this club…

Wow, this is compelling storytelling. Now Boobney tells us about going to a club and having her "groove on" and she looked pretty hot, she tells us, if she does say so herself, which she does. K-Fed says that BritBrit was there and Boobney tells us, "I knew," wrinkling up her nose. I guess she's indicating that she could smell K-Fed the minute he walked past. "Couch-surfing can make your shit hella smelly, dog." BritBrit says that K-Fed was very "mi-serious" and he was sexy and unfazed. It's called Being Very Fucking High, stupid. More shots of L.A. as the story continues. K-Fed said she was dancing with him and they started talking and then, he says, not even smiling, almost sarcastic, "Magic happened." Damn, he's straight-up charming, yo! K-Fed appears next to Boobney wearing a white doo-rag like he's doing some maid work on the side, and kisses her. Vomit!

Airplane. London. Now we're back with the home movies and BritBrit and K-Fed are chillin' on the hotel balcony and she introduces "us" to her "friend" Kevin; she says he wants to leave. Huh? K-Fed then tells us that it was BritBrit who made him come on tour with her. Yeah, what a fucking hardship, because, like, any minute LFO could've announced a comeback tour. K-Fed says he's camera-shy. Boobney says she forced him and told him to get his passport and go. Balcony. Shirtless K-Fed (you know who else is always shirtless? People on COPS) is just being one of those douchey people who have nothing to say, so he picks some weird little thing just to fuck with her about; he says that she doesn't like him and wants him to leave. Eh. Z. Whatever. He's smoking and drinking a soda all skinny, looking like he should be high on crystal somewhere in West Virginia getting fired from his job at the construction site instead of with a mondo-superstar in London. Current K-Fed camera-talks nonsense about how "wanted" what he felt and they only knew each other a few days. K-Fed lies down and BritBrit tells him he's "cute" and asks him how he feels about marriage and commitment. This should be good. He says, "I feel that love is love. Love has…love is commitment. I don't believe in marriage. I mean, I believe you can get married." Wha? Boobney tries to justify and tell us why she was asking him that. Goddamn, they're so about to break up. K-FedNow! camera-talks, "Love. It is what it is. You don't need a certificate telling you you love somebody. You don't need, you know, anything like that. I don't need a ring to make me feel oh, I'm closer to her or I'm closer to this person. It's not like that. Love…it is what it is. It's…it's everything. Everything." Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. BritBrit asks K-Fed what makes sex good with someone. He says that it makes it good when you have feelings for someone, when it's not just sex. "It gets deeper than that. It's more intimate." BritBrit then turns the camera on herself and says, "Cool!"

Now we go into the What Her Friends Think segment as Fee -- who is paid to be her friend, remember -- recounts how BritBrit kept asking her what she thought of him and how cute he was a what a great dancer. Sleazy shot of K-Fed. But now things get at least a little interesting as Big Mo says that when he first saw K-Fed he thought, "This guy is just out here for a free ride." Mo goes on about how there was nothing about K-Fed that he liked when he first met him. Lots of the footage they're showing of K-Fed seriously looks like those home videos that accompany stories about guys who went on to get killed in a hold up or shooting rampage. He could not be more of a tool if Bob Vila carried him in a pouch on his belt. The sad part is you just know that later, Mo is going to be all, "But then I got to know K-Fed and he's a great guy."

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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic




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