I went to the dentist the other day, and though I take better care of my teeth than most everyone I know -- floss every day without fail, brush three to four times a day, et cetera -- it turns out that I have to have a root canal. Doesn't sound fun, does it? In fact, there is simply no way to spin something that actually is used as a water mark for Things That Suck. "Blank is about as much fun as a root canal." But from what I've heard, with the advances in the dental arts, root canals are not a big deal anymore. Sure, not fun, but not something deserving of being a synonym for Bad/Pain/Awfulness. Therefore, I would like to hereby propose that we begin to use the phrase, "Blank is about as much fun as watching Britney and Kevin: Chaotic."
And for future civilizations who somehow have a record of all of our pop culture except for Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, because it was destroyed so as not to embarrass us as a people, by way of comparison here is a brief list of things that are just slightly better than Britney and Kevin: Chaotic:
Mannequin 2: On The Move
The acting of William Christopher, who played Father Mulcahy on M*A*S*H
The Atari 2600 game "Lost Luggage"
Denise Richards in The World Is Not Enough
The Carl's Jr. ads with the talking fetus who is angry that his mom keeps eating spicy food
The late-'70s TV pilot Samurai D.A., which is about exactly what it sounds like it's about
The band Veruca Salt
Le Divorce, the book
I Heart Huckabees
Previously... You know what? Just read the recap from last week if you need to know. But trust me, nothing happened. That's the one thing I can be sure of. I assume the sun will rise tomorrow, but I know nothing happened on Britney & Kevin: Chaotic.
Opening credits. Garbled, awful, un-releasable song. Various shots of the gruesome twosome. "I'm on fire!" she sings, clearly talking about the sensation she gets when she urinates. Or tries to think. Commercials.
K-Fed: "Yo, Brit! This new UPN show Sex, Lies & Secrets looks straight-up good, y'all. Yo, that Eric Balfour dude looks hella like me, yo. With the sweet facial hair up on that mug. And the show is all soapy and secret-y and makes you think and shit. Like Alf was back in the day. That's dope. And it's all cheap and kinda looks like our show, like we shot it on our home camera, which makes it even doper. Uh...yo, why when I said 'Eric Balfour' a few seconds ago did it go all different-colored with a link to some website about that faggoty show about homos and a Mexican dude and death and shit? That's straight-up spooky, yo."
Back. Cirque Du So Gay. BritBrit "performs" some terrible song no one has ever heard. You know, for someone so popular, BritBrit really doesn't have that many recognizable songs. It's almost as if she were more popular for being popular than for actually being a musician. Hmmmm.