Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Scared To Love You

Episode Report Card
Stee: F | 3 USERS: A+
Blah, Smoking, Performing, Drunk, "Love?", Boxing, K-Fed Is Dirty

Tour bus. K-Fed asks BritBrit how she feels. "Like I just got butt-pounded by a cootie-riddled, Kools-and-Courvoisier-stanking deadbeat dad like in the back of an old decommissioned Greyhound."

A quick side note: I got an earnest email by a herpes sufferer the other day, mad at me that I made light of the disease in last week's recap. I do regret any pain I may have caused to those with herpes (not a fun disease, I'm sure), just as I would like to preemptively apologize to anyone who might take offense to this week's recap. So: if you smell like Kool cigarettes or cognac, I'm sorry. Similarly, if you are heavily immersed in the world of butt-pounding, are afflicted with cooties, are unable or unwilling to pay child support, or currently live in a bus, please accept my humble apologies. Thank you.

BritBrit, all green and night-visioned, with her hair down and greasy, and looking as if all her eyebrows were ripped off in a horrible waxing accident Lizzie Grubman-style, has apparently just told K-Fed that she loves him. K-Fed smokes a joint (or a Kool!) and doesn't know how to react. He voice-overs that he was stunned and didn't know how to react. So that's why you're asking her how she feels? She looks hurt, frankly, and anyone who has told someone they loved them and gotten no reaction knows how painful that can be. Not that that ever happened to me. Ha! Losers. But I've watched many people cry and run out of the room and have felt very bad about it.

"I don't know why I just said that word," says BritBrit, trying to play it off. Boobney, speaking now from her Chair of Lactation, camera-talks that she was just trying to throw "it" out there and see how "it" felt. Qua? BritBrit asks K-Fed how he feels and he looks into the camera with his marmot eyes and pubey beard and laughs. K-FedNow! says something. Boobney tells us that she really wanted to hear it come out of his mouth, but he would never say anything back. How does she not narrate this show, belly full o' Federline, and think, "Shit. Maybe this whole marriage is a fucking terrible idea"? I don't understand.

Back in the bus, BritBrit says that K-Fed is too "cool" and "smooth" for her and that something must be up. Boobney voice-overs that he wouldn't say "it" so she would quickly take it back. And we see her, high as Dave Chappelle smoking hash in a Soweto flophouse, tell K-Fed that she doesn't actually feel that way. She goes on that maybe in the future she could...but not now. More commentary from Boobney and K-FedNow! about putting up walls and how it got into her head and feeling rejected, or some shit. Now BritBrit is shoveling chips into her mouth and babbling about getting caught in the moment and how K-Fed is the first guy in a while where she felt like there were a bunch of "moments" and...sigh. Please, it doesn't make any sense. Please cut to commercials or something. For the love of Xtina.

Ah! They do cut to stock footage of Dublin, Ireland! Hooray! K-Fed films BritBrit getting onto the elevator in the morning and yawning. She looks like Ashley Judd after a full night of receiving harassing drunk phone calls from Wynonna. "You were always the pretty one. Mama always liked you best. Perfect little Ashley. I hope you burn in hell! I'm sorry, I love you. Don't leave me!" K-Fed, showing absolutely no fear that he could at any moment be sent back to Fresno, or killed and dumped in the Irish Sea, sings, "Ding dong, the witch is dead." BritBrit gets into the car as she voice-overs about feeling rejected and how she sort of turned off after that. K-Fed blathers on about how BritBrit didn't want to be the first one to say "love." Please let me be the first one to say "vomit!"

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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic




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