Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Veil Of Secrecy

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
Sweet Sorrow, Minus The "Sweet" Part

The previously is nine hours long, recapping the whole "season." You don't need to know any of it. Trust me. Seriously. No, fuck you, seriously! Leave it alone. You never listen! Sorry, I still love you. It just hurts me to see you get hurt by her. She'll only let you down. Just like all the others.

Opening credits. Theme song. They say with the shrinking of broadcast time on shows in favor of ever-expanding commercial breaks, the theme song is the first thing to go. (Witness Lost, which doesn't even bother.) After listening to this crap song every week, I totally wish this show had followed the same trend. Commercials.

K-Fed: "Yo, Fats! They doing some show with TLC where you can audition to be the replacement for that one. You know, that one with the jimmy on her eye who burned someone's house down and then crashed her car into Mexico or some shit? Ay, do you think you could call your agents and get me an audition? I could totally nail that shit. Check it: Don't be chasin' daffodils. Stick to the rhythms and the streets that you're used to... What do you think? What? Fuck you, I sing better than you! Oh, baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw my Quizno at you. You just make me crazy sometime. Lemme eat that roast beef off your leg. Oh, that ain't roast beef? Gross."

Back. Boobney and K-FedNow! talk about how they were going to have a big wedding in Santa Barbara, but the tabloids disclosed the location of the wedding and she was devastated and paparazzi and helicopters and it was too much of an "event" and she wanted it just to be for them. So then -- Ah! What the hell is that?! Oh, it's Fee. Hi, Fee. Fee uggs that BritBrit wanted to just go and elope, but Fee talked her down and promised they'd figure out how to make it small and fun. K-FedNow!, rocking a different pink shirt this time, his greasy weave hanging down his dirty neck like so many Wal-Mart Christmas icicle lights on the back lanai of an Oklahoma double-wide, says that they were determined to have a good wedding. Ah!Fee says that BritBrit hired a mother/daughter wedding planner team, who then in turn offered her Studio City (Los Angeles) home for the wedding. Fee schnozzes that BritBrit decided to make it a whole surprise so she told all the guests they were just having an engagement party and even told the cake people that is was just a tasting ("But bring the whole cake, please"?) and the dress people that it was a fitting -- in efforts to fool the tabloids. And, probably, more importantly, to fool some of K-Fed's more embarrassing relatives. "It was cool," says BritBrit, displaying some of the wordsmithery that we're sure to get even more of in future years when she releases her Jewel-esque book of free verse called "The Baby Weight Of My Soul."

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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic




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