Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Veil Of Secrecy

Episode Report Card
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Sweet Sorrow, Minus The "Sweet" Part

Photos of BritBrit getting ready. Oh my God! Oh, it's just Fee. She talks about how they fooled the make-up girl, too. Then Boobney blathers on about her dress for a while. It's white. It looks like a dress. Then there's a choker involved and these really unfortunate Lita Ford lace glove things and Fee talks about how they forced BritBrit not to go down and see K-Fed, that it would be bad luck. I think their marriage is impregnated with all the bad luck it could possibly have already. More wouldn't make a difference. Something totally and completely doomed already can't then become even more doomed. Photos of BritBrit in her dress. Bleh.

Downstairs. The bridesmaids arrive and learn the secret and they all freak out. The perfect Southern bitchy girl-who-made-your-life-hell in high school, and who now probably has a few kids and is still put together but hates her life and her husband but loves God and Bush and her SUV, is her Maid of Honor and cousin, Laura Lynne. She camera-talks that she likes K-Fed, mostly because he can "put her in her place." You mean, slap her drunk on Courvoisier? Is that hard? Hell, I could do that. I'd like to do that. The bridesmaids all run up and talk to K-Fed in the tent. Man, K-Fed wants to fuck Laura Lynne. I give that three months.

Then K-Fed's "boys" arrive. "Jimmy" is his Best Man. K-Fed describes him as his "brother from another mother." BARF! Eddie, a groomsman, has Ludacris braids and big stupid Backstreet facial hair and K-Fed says he met him while they were both on tour with Pink. (Pink, huh? I wonder which one of them had to tuck her penis into her tights during costume changes.) Then Eddie and Jimmy camera-talk -- and we see it happen in photos -- about how they read the invite (which said, "Surprise, Today is the Wedding!") upon arriving, and even then they didn't realize the wedding was actually today. One man's "skimming" is another man's "I can't read." Whichever you want to claim, boys. Then Boobney intros Jamie-Lynn's arrival and how she was the last one there and thought everyone knew about it and no one told her and she was upset for a while. Hee. We see her reading the invite. Wow, I think Jamie-Lynn's little friend is actually Rachel Dratch is costume. Poor girl could give Fee a run for her ugly. Commercials.

Man, before the next season is over, I'm pretty sure Chris Rock is going to be forced to pull a Chappelle, such is the completeness with which UPN is hanging their entire hopes for their network on his show. Certainly, Sex, Lies & Secrets isn't going to help.

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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic




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