K-FedNow! talks about getting ready and being nervous and then his boys talk about how Kevin is still Kevin and then a shot of all the groomsmen we haven't seen and K-Fed is so high and we meet the boys, including K-Fed's brothers, the younger of whom you can tell is guaranteed to be busing trays at a minimum security prison before the decade is out. Eddie the linguist tries to describe the moments before going out, hanging back there with K-Fed, and there are words which do come out of his mouth, and I think one of them might have been "there" and another might have been "step" but beyond that, homeboy is on his own in actually relating the message. I think cupping Pink's balls during the encore of "Get The Party Started" is more Eddie's speed.
Holy fuck! Oh, it's just Fee. Fee says that BritBrit got nervous when she got to the stop of the stairs and there was her "little daddy" all dressed up waiting for her. Yeah, of course she was nervous. She knew she had to witness her father trying to tackle the stairs again. K-Fed makes a Julia Roberts joke. Then the 311's crap version of that Cure song starts and BritBrit descends the stairs and K-Fed says he "lost it" seeing her. DrunkDad leads her in and everyone is waiting and the veil almost catches on fire and DrunkDad lifts the veil and then goes in for a slo-mo kiss and maybe she was about to say something to him, but I don't know, this happens: she opens her mouth for the kiss with DrunkDad. Maybe they do things a little differently in Louisiana. I don't know. I rewound it many many times on TiVo. Yeah, that's an open-mouthed kiss. That's just…I don't know. Is it too late to call Child Protective Services? I mean, I know they'll be called a lot in the coming years because of Britney, but maybe we could do one last one call for Britney? Lemme know. So, after BritBrit tongue-kisses her father, she stands in front of K-Fed and she's looking at him with love in her eyes and DrunkDad is leaning on MamaSpears and the song continues and the editors use one more retarded little Final Cut Pro plug-in on a shot of BritBrit and K-Fed holding hands. BritBrit keeps staring and smiling and boy, she's in love with that slithery, reptilian, dirty future parolee. Lots of slo-mo shots of their vows and then she goes in for a kiss and the one saving grace here is that it's not close-up or night-visioned. Sadly, her breath does still smell as bad as usual -- like Red Bull, caviar on Spicy Fritos, Newport Xtra Menthol, and Dad.
K-FedNow! yokels that the wedding was the most intense feeling of his life. We get a weird smattering of shots, including one of the BritBrit-DrunkDad make-out session, and Boobney voice-overs that it wasn't the traditional big wedding, but it was "cool." Yeah, exactly. It wasn't a big wedding. It was the size wedding that allows you to pretend you're keeping it like that because it's more intimate that way, even though in truth you're too embarrassed about who you're marrying to actually throw a big wedding. More photos. More photos. "An angel," says K-Fed, describing her. Ah!Fee, in a punishingly tight shot, says that MamaSpears was crying and how that can reduce even grown men to tears. So can this show going on for another whole half a fucking hour. More photos. More photos. More video. Whore of Honor talks about how K-Fed said in his vows how he was "proud" to be Britney's husband. More testimonials of people assuring us that these two are actually in love. Hey, where's Mo? I guess he didn't merit an invite. Or maybe he was outside keeping the photogs at bay. Aw. I hope someone at least brought him out a slice of cake. Naw, who am I kidding? Of course no one brought him cake. K-Fed says he was crying through his vows and he was really into giving them. Whore of Honor whores on a little more. Then they're dancing and people are throwing flowers and Eddie says something no one can understand and BritBrit lies that it was her dream wedding and we get a big photo of everyone and then they both laugh that neither of them even thought they'd ever get married and more shots are taken and then commercials! Thank Zohar.