Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Veil Of Secrecy

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Sweet Sorrow, Minus The "Sweet" Part

Why didn't someone at some point at some production meeting go, "Look, I don't mean to be a dick or anything, but am I the only one who thinks Dark Water is maybe not the scariest title we could think of?"

Back. Ah!Fee says that the highlight was the wedding being over. Ha. No shit. Photos and people hang out and BritBrit got to relax once it was over. Now we get an '80s power ballad over highly-edited video clips of the wedding photos being taken and the power drums are slamming and the chimes are tinkling and K-Fed is sitting in his chair doing his white-boy arm movements and BritBrit and K-Fed are kissing and then Boobney voice-overs in a little girl voice, "I liked it. Did you like it?" "Oh, yeah," says K-Fed. BritBrit says then she put on her party dress. We see her party dress, which is the shortest dress in the world. It's a white dress that comes just below her vagina. (K-Fed often comes just below her vagina. Heh.) More photos and clips as Boobney jokes that her dad kept "coming up behind [her]" wanting to pull the dress down. Yeah, I bet DrunkDad kept coming up behind her. Just like old times. They both laugh and they're dancing and twirling and K-Fed yokels that he had to slap all his relatives "in the damn mouth" because their jaws were on the floor over the dress. I'm sure that's not the only time their jaws were on that floor that night. "Cleetus is really marrying that fancy lady?! Go-lly!"

Now BritBrit gets ready to throw the bouquet, and the bridesmaids are all angling but the poor flowers go straight to Fee. Well, that's a terrible fate. Better to be mulch than to sit on Fee's tiny mantle in her slave quarters, drying and withering and yet never being thrown out because the flowers are supposed to work, damn it! It means she's going to get married next and sure, I'm forty and the concubine to a really hot twenty-year-old, but these fucking things are going to work!

Fee and BritBrit go back and forth telling the really fascinating story of Fee catching the flowers, which is really very zzzzzzzzzzz. They laugh that Fee is always the bridesmaid. Aw, poor-- AH! Oh, Fee. Hi. I forgot we were talking about you still. Don't sneak up on my TiVo like that.

Then there is the klassy garter bit. Basically, he pulls it off with his teeth as people yell and BritBrit shrieks. K-Fed talks about how BritBrit's dad wasn't there (Three guesses where he was: The bar. The bar. And…the bar.) but his mom was there cheering him on and we don't even get video of Mama-Fed, we just get a still photo. Welcome to the family, lady! K-Fed talks about making sure he pulled the garter off smooth and Boobney yells, "Baby!" fake-embarrassed, totally waking the baby, who was taking a sugar-coma nap after the fourth giant caramel macchiato of the day. Poor kid's going to be born and immediately go into severe whipped-cream withdrawal. Then the Whore of Honor talks, her pancake make-up cracking as she discusses how great BritBrit is and talks about her speech. Now, see, in doing her speech, which we see silent clips off, she went a really radical route. She decided to, get this, discuss the first time BritBrit met K-Fed and how she knew when she saw them together that this was the real deal! That they were meant for each other. Wow! That's a really bold step. Edgy and a total departure. Thanks for spelling your radical thought processes out for us. K-Fed talks about the Whore of Honor and how they both started crying (her and BritBrit) during the speech and K-Fed clearly digs her; he wants to shoot some herpes on Laura Lynne right quick. (Sorry. Sorry. This thing is just so fucking long.) During the speech there is a guy behind them bent down inspecting the tent or something, but it honestly looks like it could be BritBrit's father vomiting in the grass. It's very funny. K-Fed then effortlessly segues (he's just smooth like that) into talking about Jimmy's speech and saying, "Jimmy, you suck!" all joking. Ha. What a card. We see clips of the speech and K-Fed says Jimmy isn't really "all there" and BritBrit laughs and Jimmy didn't have time to write a speech because they surprised everyone, clearly, and then Jimmy camera-mumbles that he just went up there and "freestyled." Hee. What a dork. The weird thing is that Jimmy is actually the smartest kid in Fresno. It's true.

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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic

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