Britney and Kevin: Chaotic
Veil Of Secrecy

Episode Report Card
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Sweet Sorrow, Minus The "Sweet" Part

Ah. What would a completely self-indulgent star-fucking UPN show about a wedding between two nitwits be without a fucking day-long segment about the cake? People talk about the cake. We see it. One of the bridesmaids says it was vanilla and she remembered the flavor, and then she laughs like she's making a dirty joke. BritBrit and K-Fed, of course, because they are all klass, shove cake into each other's, well, cakeholes. Then they kiss.

And now is the time I throw the computer down and walk away. But I can't, because people are counting on me. So I shall pour another cup of coffee (read: scotch) and take a deep breath and do my best. So, basically, how can I put this…? At this point in the wedding, the wedding party, they all went into another room and changed. What did they change into? Track suits. Yes. Not kidding. Not pulling your leg. Track suits. The men changed into blinding white track suits. "Oh, that's tacky." Yeah, shut up, I'm not done. On the back, there are words. "Really?" Yes. Words. A word, actually. The word is this: Pimp. Horrified beat. Yes, they changed into white track suits with the word "Pimp" on the back. And then showed people. And took photos. And then later put it on TV. And they weren't embarrassed. Under his glorious, earth-ruling mullet, Dad-Fed's track suit reads, "Pimp Daddy." And K-Fed's, because they're all so fucking stupid they can't even come up with something that makes sense, reads, "The Pimp." "See, naw, cuz, they all pimps. So with me, you add 'The' and it means I'm 'The' pimp, you know? I'm 'The.' It's me. 'The.'" Also, maybe this is just me, maybe I have incorrect information, but aren't pimps people who enslave women with drugs and protection and faux-love, and make them let men stick their dicks into them for money? Oh, it is. Okay. I thought so.

So then, even better, the women change into pink track suits that read, "The Maids." I…I don't understand. BritBrit's track suit reads, what would you guess? "The Maid." No, silly. "Mrs. Federline." (Well, at least his name fits for him, because that's what K-Fed must have done to win her over. Fed her a line.) Oh, and the moms' read, "Hot Mamas."

They talk a little about the track suits and how it was fun and something a little "different," and then they all go out clubbing. Yes, clubbing. Jimmy and the other guy laugh as if something great happened that night we'll never get to know about, and helpfully informs us that when they go out they "do it up!" As the photogs flash away, the crew heads out clubbing. And K-FedNow! is still talking and then finally that part is over! What a special, special night. I'll remember it forev- VOMIT!

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Britney and Kevin: Chaotic




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