While I would much rather be recapping Tom Cruise jumping his own self-made Scientology-loving shark on Oprah, dragging Katie Holmes out against her will… All right, I will recap it. Quickly. Here it is: "Look! I love women! I love me some vagina. Look. Look how I chewed Katie's lips off with my hetero-love-passion! Check it out. I love black people, too! Oh, yes. Black women. Tina Turner gave me roses, that's how motherfucking vagina-loving my shit is. I'd friggin' wear a vagina if I could, but in a really manly way. Intense? Hell yeah, I'm intense. Look, I help people. I'm known for that. I'll get your kids off Ritalin if you just donate a billion dollars to The L. Ron Hubbard Home For Terrible Sci-Fi Fiction and Freaky C-List Yeardley-Smith-Level Celebrities. See, I told you I was known for helping people. You know what else I'm known for? Fucking gay porn stars and then suing the balls out of their mouths when they come out with the story. What? Yeah, my children are black? Fuck you, Oprah. How dare you even notice something like the color of someone's skin. That's how fucking non-racist I am. I didn't even know my kids were black. I thought they were very tan. You're black? See! I didn't even know that! Now I'm going to stand on your couch until you get me some vagina right the fuck now!!! Go see War of the Worlds, opening June 29th! And then go hump some vagina, cuz that's what I'll be doing!"
But since I can't recap that, I'll take it out on the second biggest televised train-wreck of the week. Previously… Various shots. Boobney (pregnant lactating BritBrit now) talks about why she took videocam footage on tour and lonely and waaaaah. Various shots from the Cirque Du So Gay tour of hers. Annoying the make-up people. K-Fed's post-coitus douchebag over-the-shoulder come-hither-slash-"Where is my meth?" look. Boobney explains to us that being rich means you can meet a herpes-riddled boy with two children at home and a career going nowhere quicker than Billy Joel after the first turn at the Indy 500, and after one quick fuck in the bathroom at the Beauty Bar and invite him to lie to his baby momma and join you in Europe for some sparkling convo and the occasional deep-dicking. BritBrit films K-Fed lying on a balcony. She calls him "cute." She should really be checking her purse. And her medicine cabinet. And her cooter. K-Fed disses love. Bodyguard Mo tells us he didn't like K-Fed at first. Finally, a sane voice. BritBrit tells Fee that she just had sex and that it was good. Boobney camera-talks that she's always gotten whatever she set her mind on but with K-Fed she was scared and didn't know if he was "the one." Sure, but then minus one from that and you'll get what he actually is. Sorry, I shouldn't challenge BritBrit with impossible math problems like that. I'll give her the answer. It's zero.