Rebecca does a walk of shame out of a Walker bedroom and straight into her own family's drama. Her mom is missing. The drama doesn't last very long, as we quickly discover that Holly has wandered all the way up to Pasadena and into Nora's foyer. She wants to see William. Nora rather impatiently reminds her that William is dead. So Holly begs her for help. Nora gives her a one-woman gestalt therapy session and then in a stunning turn of events actually takes the woman to a damn hospital. Holly begs Rebecca for some straight talk and Rebecca confesses that she ran away from home, but she and Holly lurve each other now. Holly doesn't buy it.
Up in Ojai, Kitty is trying to find herself via the world's longest Verizon product placement and a serious round of woodshop. After letting loose with every possible double entendre for wood, drilling, and long strokes, Jack the Plumber-turned- Carpenter plants one on the recently widowed senatorial candidate. To be clear, he's no Rob Lowe. Eventually Kitty snaps that he's moving too fast. Then she changes her mind and they make out. It's been TWO WEEKS!
Sarah is feverishly sewing costumes as a trial by fire to get Cooper into some elite private prep school. I'm not sure which is more surprising that Sarah is sewing or that she thinks Cooper is smart enough to get into the school. Sarah ropes all the gay men in her life into her little sweatshop, including Saul's new "friend" played by none other than Rev. Camden! But, Saul hasn't told Rev. Camden that he is HIV positive and doesn't feel like telling him either. But then Cooper quits the play and Luc has to show off his superhuman tween parenting skills and teach him how to French kiss (ew! not like that.) Cooper is willing to re-join the cast as Romeo even if he has to kiss a girl (ew!) But then tragedy strikes and Sarah's costume rips on a fat kid and Cooper's kiss causes a set malfunction. Obviously the admissions committee is unimpressed, but Sarah got over the whim of private school as quickly as she got into it. Some yelling ensues, as do the wacky hijinks.
Saul and Rev. Camden are getting extra friendly when Saul finally makes his confession. But Rev. Camden can't do it because he already had a partner with HIV who succumbed to AIDS and he can't, nay, won't do it again. Saul has the sads, but still thanks Kevin and Scotty for forcing him to open his heart to love. No Madonna is quoted.
Rebecca has a secret. She is a super talented photographer who sent some pictures she snapped with her Verizon phone and got a job as a staff photographer with the mythical Tribeca Magazine. First, shut UP, Rebecca. Second, Nora tells her to follow her dreams …straight off to New York City. Justin is going to be soooo pissed when he finds out. But he is not. You see, Justin is so mature and everything now that he gets the fact that Rebecca wants to leave, what with her mom sniffing all that White Out to try and forget she exists. They bid farewell with a lot of aggravating Romeo and Juliet quotes. Please to get off my television now, Rebecca. She takes some stalkery long distance shots of her parents and walks off down the street. I SAY GOOD DAY.
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker would not kiss any of these people. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Rebecca wakes up and looks like she was drunk and doesn't remember how she got where she was. Where is she? In her ex-husband's arms. Yeah, sex with the ex is no joke. There are clinical side effects to such activity including, dry mouth, watery eyes, bed head, stickiness, loss of underwear, and a desperate need to shower. See your health care provider immediately if you show any of these symptoms. Rebecca leaps out of bed to run straight to a trusted member of the clergy and tell them her sins, but before she can do her walk of shame, Justin wakes up. I guess sleeping in a war zone for a year has attuned his body to wake up at the slightest provocation, you know, like Afghan snipers or Rebecca trying to make a hasty departure. He insists that he make them breakfast, but Rebecca just wants to flee and quickly starts back pedaling on the fact that she showed up all vulnerable and shit on her ex's doorstep and now has Guilt, Regret, and Embarrassment and I don't mean the Treepeople album because Rebecca is CLEARLY a "Party in the USA" type of girl. When her body is not letting her down she totally dances around her office to that. Justin is so insistent about breakfast and so optimistic about their renewed love that Rebecca just sighs and lives with her life choices. She was totally asking for it. Breakfast, I mean. She tries to tell him something, but stops herself. His impending heartbreak can wait 'til after toast.
Sarah and her BANGS have been strapped to her sewing machine still sewing the costumes for Cooper's school play. As if anyone at his California liberal school would want clothes made in a sweatshop! Even if it is just a one-woman sweatshop. Luc and his general hunkiness are distracting Sarah from her stitch witchery and she sends him out to jog while she slave drives herself. What's with all the Shakespearean garb? Cooper's school is putting on the wildly-inappropriate-for-fifth-grade Romeo & Juliet and Sarah wants to impress some mom with a hyphenated (hence, snooty) last name because she is on an admissions committee for an elite private school and suddenly Sarah cares where her son is educated. I mean, if she wanted him to go to private school why didn't she apply when he was in the womb like all good parents?
Meanwhile, in one of the most unlikely things I have seen on television (and I recapped both the first season of Dark Angel and I Love Money so I have seen a lot), Kitty is swinging a sledgehammer like the saddest rendition of "John Henry" ever. Like, damn girl head over to the WPA tent for some chow in your company issued tin can because no one should be that skinny and working the rails. Luckily Kevin calls to check on her, because clearly this is not normal behavior. She explains that she is pounding a pole and Kevin can't let that double entendre slide, even though as Saul points out, "It's 9 in the morning and that's gross," which makes me heart Saul a lot. Kitty then strings together a whole bunch of words like "helping" "build" "pergola". Since it is obvious she has had a stroke induced by swinging a sledgehammer that weighs more than her entire body, Kevin looks concerned, so Kitty makes him go to video to prove she has full use of all her muscles and isn't drooling. Then we get the longest product placement ever where Kitty holds up her video-equipped cell phone and show's Kevin her craftsmanship and he uses his video-equipped cell phone to ogle Jack the Plumber turned Carpenter (yes, like Jesus but I don't think even Kevin would ogle the Big J) and then they switch back to regular phone and Kitty swears she is just happily pounding a pole and isn't going to Cooper's play and they hang up. The one weird thing about that product placement is that they didn't say the brand name of the phone twelve times in two minutes. Like, missed marketing opportunity Apple or HP or the Glad Family of Products!
Kevin leaves Kitty to her "pounding" and starts harassing Saul in a very awkward segue about Kitty being out of her comfort zone so Saul can invite his male friend to Cooper's play. Because nothing gets the old romance flowing like fifth graders mauling iambic pentameter. Saul swears they are "just friends", but Scotty and Kevin totally gay out and start pointing out that Saul brushed his suede loafers, splashed on the Acqua di Parma, wound up the Patek Phillipe, and even trimmed his cuticles, so clearly they are more than "just friends." Saul still doesn't want to bring him to his great nephew's production of Romeo & Juliet, because SAUL IS THE SMARTEST MEMBER OF THE ENTIRE WALKER FAMILY. He also doesn't think his man friend wants to be more than a friend. Oh Saul, low self esteem makes you look fat.