So… where were we? These gaps in programming have me struggling to keep up with these crazy Walkers. But: GOOD NEWS! Scotty finally pinned Kevin down and gave him a haircut. And it's cute! Bad news: It's Valentine's Day and the first ten minutes of the episode are dedicated to shoving a pink lacey heart down your throat even though Valentine's Day was last week and we're all, like totally barfing candy hearts and giving Death Bear our Valentines. So, yeah, good timing, network execs. So a bunch of the Walkers are at an art show and Sarah is all oozy in love with a painting, but her boyfriend, Roy (Remember him? Yeah, me neither), totally doesn't get it. But the gallery owner wants to introduce Sarah to the artist who is, of course, Luc. But when Luc sees her all moving on with Roy, he refuses to come out.
Hey, remember how Holly was going to sell her shares to Dennis York and then he got all skeevy and hands-on-knee-y? She's selling him her damn shares anyway. She just has to break the news to Rebecca and the Walkers. David reminds her to tell the Walkers to suck it.
Rebecca is learning how to be a woman from Nora and then goes into premature labor or has Def Con-1 gas. Either way she's horrified. But I won't mock, because Rebecca lost the baby and that's just sad. Unless it's on Private Practice and then it's merely quotidian and yawn inducing. In the hospital, Nora and Holly bond over the loss and become a real family. At the mention of the “F-word” Holly starts to feel mighty guilty over shafting the Walkers and forcing the vengeful Dennis York into their lives. She makes like a banana and splits.
Meanwhile, as Kitty prepares to announce her candidacy for the Senate, she has hired her one friend (Cheryl Hines!) to be her campaign manager. Buffy is ruthless and cutthroat and a good researcher and vetter. She's so good at vetting stuff that when she's vetting venues, she finds out that Holly sold all her shares in Ojai Foods. Oopsie! The Walkers spring into action determined to stop the takeover of their beloved company by whatever faceless conglomerate Holly sold her shares to. Nora tracks down Holly (in the Ojai office, natch) and starts a-hollerin'. Holly doesn't stop her, but she did stop the sale of stock. 'Cause, you know, they're family. Holly tells Nora that the buyer was Dennis York and Nora thinks that changes everything.
Ewwww. Kitty's Playground Pal from last year finds some cojones and a lot of hairspray and shows up at The Senator's office. But he's not playing nice, he's getting vetted for smooching on the porch swing. Is nothing sacred in these campaigns anymore? Not even the porch swing? Anyway, The Senator thinks something is up and he and the Playground Pal team up to get to the bottom of this scurrilous rumor. Luckily the source of the rumor was merely Buffy doing her due diligence. What is the point of this storyline? I don't know. Maybe it's just a hairspray ad.
Anyway, Roy unwittingly buys Sarah Luc's painting. And then he dumps her. On Valentine's Day. Class act, Man Boobs. Luckily Luc is still in town and sells her his painting SWAK.
All is well in Santa Barbara and despite the fact that it's been off the air for nigh on fifteen years, the soap operatics continue. Now instead of revolving around the lives of the wealthy Capwell family, we have The McCallisters. As the once career politician prepares to step down from his Senate seat to do real work in the world, he also prepares to pass on his title and position to his wife. Proving not only that nepotism is not dead, but that this show is indeed grasping at straws. DO NOT PRETEND THIS SHOW IS NOT A SOAP OPERA. It may be on at 10 pm, but it is a soap opera. And getting more so. So The Senator has tucked little Evan in for the night because he is now a kind, caring, and considerate father and House Husband to be and has RESPONSIBILITIES. He now KNOWS that Evan needs his Winnie the Pooh doll to sleep through the night and, you know, that Evan exists. Proving he has the chops to be a sexy House Husband, he washed the dishes, tucked the baby in and then hits on his wife. Kitty, however, is too focused on her rough day at the office and upcoming press conference where she is expected to announce that she is running for her husband's Senate seat to notice. So when The Senator notes her lovely, pillowy lips, she only notes that recent polling found that America thinks her mouth is her greatest asset. Which is, like, REALLY DIRTY MINDED OF AMERICA. I mean...shudder. The Senator senses the hidden meaning in that and starts kissing Kitty's neck, which is pretty much what I thought "necking" was until...college? Although I kind of thought it involved actually rubbing necks together. Obviously with Kitty's newly political life, her cell phone will not give her a moment alone with her husband. It's Buffy who is just calling to follow up on her application for campaign manager. Did Kitty check her references yet? Does she want an additional writing sample? How about a brief face-to-face to just run through her resume highlights? Kitty lets the call go to voicemail. Then The Senator's phone rings. It is also Buffy. He answers, though, and sets up a brunch interview for the next day, just to put her out of her misery already. Kitty is in no mood for a mercy killing though and instead wants to give her a proper interview. The Senator reminds her that Sunday is Valentine's Day and their SEXIVERSARY, which Kitty swears is not a real thing. Oh shut it, Kitty. If Rob Freaking Lowe wants to celebrate a fake sex-oriented relationship milestone with you, YOU JUST SAY YES. Or, at least, I would. Also, really ABC? You air the Valentine's Day episode now? It's past the expiration date! That does not bode well for the palatability of this episode. Not at all.
The Walker clan is representing at a local gallery's anonymous charity art show. Scotty explains to Justin (who is either learning disabled or stupid -- we don't know for sure) that the art is anonymous so that you will only buy the painting if you really love the work, not because you are some label whore collector. But, really it is all just a stunt to bring Luc back. DON'T PRETEND YOU DON'T KNOW THIS. Justin doesn't get it. But did any of us really expect him to? No. Then Scotty and Justin start bitching about having to buy Valentine's Day presents and whining that they having no idea what to buy and Justin can't buy Rebecca underwear because she is knocked up and ...doesn't wear it anymore? I'm not entirely sure where he was going with that. Anyway, the camera cuts to Sarah and Kevin at the bar (natch) where the retro Valentine's Day conversation continues and I run to the bathroom and hurl up twelve boxes of Candy Hearts. Oh look, according to my candy-coated barf, "Someone's Thinking of Me!" Speaking of cans, come on ABC, if you know you have an entirely Valentine's Day themed episode of your show in the can, why delay it by a week and insure that your entire audience is completely over all references to that stupid cupid and pink little hearts and blue birds of happiness and just feels generally stabby about the whole thing? I mean, TIMING, people! Anyway, Sarah has her not-boyfriend Roy in tow and really doesn't want to be forced to buy him a Valentine's Day present simply because she has to. She swears he is not her boyfriend. Hold the presses: KEVIN GOT A HAIRCUT. And it looks great! It's short and spikey and you know that Scotty finally hauled his ass down to some swank salon and ordered him to get ...well, the same haircut Scotty had in Season 3. But it looks great so no complaints. Also? About frigging time, Kevin! Anyway, Sarah talks some more about how Roy is NOT her boyfriend, because mature responsible adult relationships are not the milieu of "boys". Kevin coughs *Luc* and Sarah glares at him. She didn't text Luc back and she doesn't want to talk about it. Kevin points out that she might still be in love with him, but Sarah denies she ever was. LIES! LIES! LIES! Well, no, maybe not. I mean, she didn't know him that long. Although, he is Gilles Marini. How could you not fall in love just a little? Kevin tells her to just shut up and make Roy her Valentine then, which is a really weird thing to say and is only uttered as a set up for him adding that "even Paige has one." Sarah, being the awful overworked frazzled mother of a tween, knows nothing about her daughter's VD (heh). Meanwhile, somehow Rebecca has gotten stuck with the onerous duty of hanging out with Roy while Sarah ditches him for a few stiff ones at the bar with Kevin. She drags him over to where Justin and Scotty are loitering and somehow manages not to give Justin the total stink eye for ditching her while she babysat his sister's boyfriend. I mean, what could Roy and Rebecca have to talk about? Well, other than foundation garments. Roy announces to the group that he has the perfect Valentine's Day present for Sarah: Roller skates. Total silence from Scotty and Rebecca, because, really? Roller skates? So much for a mature, adult relationship. Luckily for Sarah, Justin puts the kibosh on the whole thing when he says that Sarah broke her ankle roller skating when she was twelve and probably wouldn't appreciate the trip down memory lane, even if it was on wheels. Roy sighs, but not nearly as loudly as I do.
Sarah is STILL not hanging out with Roy but is instead admiring a painting with Kevin. She really likes the painting so when the gallery owner asks if she wants to meet the artist behind the anonymous work, she leaps at the chance. So the gallery owner goes to find the artist, who is, of course, Luc, who for some reason has been stashed in a storage room for the event. The (I guess) newly-agoraphobic Luc peers out the door and sees Sarah admiring his piece (ha, dirty!), but stupid Roy takes that moment to reunite with her. Even though they were just across the room from each other they kiss and hug and Luc regresses further and refuses to come out of his safe place.
Over at Holly's house, Holly finally has decided that she is finally ready (for reals this time) to sell her shares in Ojai to Dennis York. Sure it's a few months past the 24-hour deadline, but whatever, the offer still stands! But before she can sell the stock she has to confess a few things to David. First, she still wants to know where the pirate treasure buried underneath Ojai is and she's pretty sure that if she bands together with a rag tag group of kids from, say, a small coastal town in Oregon who are trying to save their home from destruction, she will be able to find One Eyed Willie's buried pirate treasure. Also, Dennis York put his hand on her knee and reenacted a few scenes from Indecent Proposal and it made her feel funny in her tummy and she wants to tell her trusted adult, namely: David. David shrugs, because of course Dennis York hit on Holly! He gamely offers to deal with York by locking him in a room with Sloth for a few hours if that will make her feel better. Holly just wants nothing to do with Dennis York. Well, except for his money. She would like that. The sale of stock is slated to go through this afternoon and she is excited to be over and done with it all.