In the one-year flashforward, Paige has gone from tween to hormone-ravaged angry teen doll, complete with battery-operated bitchy button and pull-a-string sayings like "My mom is ruining my life!" Strangely she does not once mention Sarah's BANGS.
Luc's underwear modeling career is taking off (sadly, not his underwear) and everyone is dying to go to the launch party. Bitchy Paige even apologizes to a nerd friend to gain access to the event. But then she gets drunk at the party, because that's what bitchy teen dolls do.
Hapless homeless kid Matteo breaks into Scotty's restaurant, and Nora catches him. Then Nora tries to fake-adopt him, and he does the smart thing and makes a run for it. Then he ends up in jail and ruins Kevin's night at the underwear party when he calls him from the clink.
Kitty is totally over her dead husband, and so are all her siblings. They are moving on, people! She's already house-hunting and playing the phone tree game with her family and snooping on her mother. Why is Kitty stalking her mother (with giant baby Evan in the car) and spreading rumors about her? Because Nora has a secret. And for some reason Kitty decides that Nora is a lesbian, because that is the only reason any woman would ever hug another woman. Kevin's gaydar doesn't believe it, but for some reason (simultaneous brain hemorrhages?) everyone else does. So they confront Nora at the party, because the middle of an underwear launch party is the perfect place to discuss intimate family details. Well, it is if you're a Walker, anyway. Luckily, there is a lot of alcohol to drown the awkward when they realize Nora's big secret is that she has a job. That's right, she's not a lesbian, she's a florist. This show is stupid.
Then Nora has a freakout. Mostly because her children are morons. She yells at Kevin for not having a heart. At Justin and Kitty for not having brawn and Sarah for not having the brains to leave her teenage daughter at home. Of course, a radio promoter overhears and gives Nora his card, because he's casting a radio call-in advice show and he thinks she would be perfect.
Justin is going to Holly's, not because he's heard from Rebecca, but to stalk her more better. Unfortunately Holly doesn't even remember Rebecca, and David has a severe overreaction to everything, so no dice. But after Nora hollers at him, Justin goes to hang around their house and let Holly feel his face so she can really see him. Not that she's blind, just that it's not really clear what he is going to do there.
Kevin goes to fetch Matteo from the slammer, and they have a heart-to-heart. Then Kevin finds Matteo's grandmother for him to live with, and my whole Punky Brewster moving in with Henry thing is ruined. RUINED! Stupid show.
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Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker would not take advice from Nora Walker. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
I am so sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Sarah Walker has not gotten rid of her BANGS yet. Also, dating a younger, sexier, Frenchman who is moonlighting as an underwear model does not inspire Sarah to wear sexy pajamas. No, she is wearing her sweats and a hair clip that is the equivalent of a scrunchie. Sometimes she makes it hard to remember what Luc sees in her. Luc is asking what everyone is wearing to his big celebrity-studded and stud-studded underwear launch party and Sarah blabbers about the big gal pal day she and Paige spent at the mall yesterday and how they found the cutest outfit and Luc is ignoring her and Paige is ignoring her and Sarah doesn't really notice. Then we see that Paige is on her beadazzled phone text messaging her life and chances at an Ivy League education away and then we see that Paige has BANGS too! But on her it's an adorable pageboy cut and on Sarah it is just... sad. Paige is ignoring her mom so hard it's like she owes her money.
The phone and the doorbell ring at the same time and at least Sarah has the decency to not answer the door in her pajamas and, I know, it happens, but at least put on something and let the UPS guy think he is walking into the porno scenario of his dreams. I truly believe that 90% of UPS men start the job with the idea that at least one time in their package delivery career they will be greeted by a sexy housewife and get to re-enact scenes from the Ron Jeremy oeuvre.
Kevin is on the phone and he desperately needs additional tickets to tonight's underwear party to impress some ex-co-worker. His plan to make him feel guilty through a career dedicated to saving the downtrodden has failed and now he must impress him with nearly naked men. Sarah says no, because the party is booked. Kitty calls on the other line and Sarah clicks over. Kitty has forgotten about the party tonight, but is working on a conspiracy theory involving Nora and some late night assignations, most likely with the UPS man. Nora's bed was empty and made at 5 a.m., leading Kitty to believe that she did not sleep in her bed last night at all. Nora is obviously turning into a vampire. Or having an affair. Whatever, it could be the Halloween episode.
Sarah clicks back over to Kevin who is still rambling about wanting more tickets. Sarah says no. Then Luc's phone rings and Paige's phone rings and it is the boy she loves. But Mean Mommy won't put Andrew on the guest list either, assuring that Paige will have to act out sexually for Andrew to continue to like her. Sarah, when Paige comes home with the herpes and a prom night baby you only have yourself to blame. Also, are phone trees genetic? Because Paige puts Andrew on hold as Monique calls (Monique?) and Paige has to complain about Mean Mommy, who is STILL on the phone with Kevin while Luc is being begged for extra tickets by Scotty. Sarah realizes that Kevin has forced Scotty to call Luc, grabs the phone, then ALL the phones, and says goodbye to everyone and hangs up all the phones, clearly ruining Paige's life forever.
Over at Walker Manor, Nora, who doesn't look like she is living a life of fornication and sin barrels into the kitchen with an armful of flowers. Justin has apparently moved in with Nora because grown men like to live with mommy when their own apartments are sitting vacant. Nora suggests that Justin take Kitty house-hunting later because she is stalled and can't move on until she literally moves on, I guess. I mean, not to argue with the wisdom of Nora Walker (heaven forbid!) but if I was Kitty I might like living in the beautiful home I shared with my now deceased husband. It would remind me of our life together and good times and stuff. Why does she have to move? Regardless, she has to.
Justin agrees to go and Nora grabs her pot and is about to head out the door when Kitty appears. I guess she has moved in as well. She prods Nora about being up bright and early this morning and Nora blatantly lies about being at the gym at 5 a.m. and Kitty clearly doesn't believe her. Nora just grabs her pot of crab soup and hustles out the door before Kitty can grill her anymore. Kitty clicks her fingernail against her teeth and mutters about, "Something queer at the lemonade stand." Justin, being a boy and also not having the Walker nose for fabricated gossip, tells Kitty that he can go house hunting with her later. She glibly shows him an ugly house on her computer and then changes the subject back to Nora's mysterious behavior. Justin just does not care. He is going to Holly's house. He is going to ask David where Rebecca is ...and clearly this cannot be done on the phone.
Nora goes to drop the soup off at Scotty and Saul's restaurant. She is on the phone to her boss at the flower shop. She was at the market early in the morning to buy all the flowers they needed for an event. I have NO IDEA why she didn't just tell her kids that. Is that the sub plot for today's show? That Nora has a secret job? Sometimes this show will break your heart and sometimes it is just really really stupid. Nora hangs up and suddenly realizes that neither Scotty or Saul is in the restaurant. But someone is. (Told you it was the Halloween episode!) Nora grabs a giant ass knife and heads into the dining room where she finds sassy homeless kid Mateo! With a screwdriver! Ack! Ack!
After the commercial break, the drama quickly subsides. Kevin and Scotty scowl at Mateo. They have disappointment. Scotty can't believe that after Kevin got him out of a stint in the clink and they took him in for a night that he would repay them by menacing his mother-in-law with a screwdriver! Also, breaking in and attempted robbery. Kevin's inner lawyer blurts out all the charges that could be levied against him, but Mateo is street smart and book smart and knows it only amounts to a misdemeanor, not a felony. Kevin does not like being beaten in court by a 14-year old and is about to get litigious on him when Nora drags him aside. Kevin suggests she put her bleeding liberal heart back in her NPR tote bag because he doesn't want to hear it. That is the best thing I have ever heard on this show ever. Let's take a moment to savor it. Ahhh.
Sadly Nora does not take either the advice or offense. Instead she tells Kevin that Mateo has no maternal figure in his life and has a long lost grandmother and he sings, "Somewhere Out There" to the stars every night hoping he just might find her. Kevin is unmoved and instead brushes off Nora's concern as some sort of maternal flare up that should be lanced immediately. Nora glares at him and declares finders keepers on Mateo and offers to talk to his father. Mateo begs her not to and Kevin agrees. He wants to call social services. Mateo begs her not to do that either. He suddenly really likes Nora's plan. Scotty feels white man's guilt and offers to drive and then Kevin knows he will be sleeping on the couch unless he goes too, so they all head off to take Mateo back to his house. I'm guessing he's a poor little rich boy who doesn't like his big boy bed.
Luc is doing sit-ups and it is distracting in a non-sexy way to Sarah and her BANGS who are doing something apparently more important on the computer. When he points out that sit-ups are work for him now, she apologizes and says she likes being supported by a man. So, wait. She really didn't take any money from the Ojai land sale? She really put it all in an untouchable family trust? She didn't even take enough to support her family and now she has to live off of Luc's abs? And she's whining about sit-ups? Shut up, Sarah Walker! The phone rings and it is one of Paige's friends, except it is not. It's a parent who is upset that Paige said something mean about her daughter. Sarah is now upset too. Her bangs droop appropriately in sorrow.
Holly is apologizing in advance to Justin. You see, she has basically turned into Tom Hanks from that Saturday Night Live sketch whe