Luc is spray-tanning, and his orange glow causes Sarah to be suspicious. She asks Scotty for advice, but even Scotty doesn't spray-tan and doesn't really want to hear about his sister-in-law's dry spell. No one believes her, but when Luc pocket-calls her and she overhears what she thinks is her man getting his slut on, she somehow convinces Scotty to accompany her to the poolside cabana where she catches him… with his agent. Ruh-roh. Sarah flees the scene of the big stupid. Somehow she turns her problem into HIS problem because she is a magical Walker, and she accuses him of being the Portrait of the Artist as an Underwear Model. So he promises to do better, and then he proposes. Lesson for the ladies? Be a crazy lady, because guys love it and it pays off in DIAMONDS.
Nora finally has her big audition to be the radio call-in host for the "Dear Mom" show, but she has a serious case of the sads because she can't just walk in and get the job -- she actually has to compete against other people. She is inexplicably pitted against a Paula Deen lookalike with a PhD and a heap of published advice books for an on-air Mom Smackdown. Nora flails and flails until Kevin smacks some sense into her.
Up in Ojai, Kitty still can't seem to remember where she stashed her baby, but she's too busy running and flirting with Jack the hand(s)yman to remember. As wildly flirty as she is, at some point she does remember that her husband died, like, three weeks ago. So she blue-balls the plumber and hurriedly packs to get the heck out of Ojai and away from all its rampant exercise. Silver lining? She gets to call Nora for advice on the air, and Nora gets a chance to shine. And Nora gets on a roll too: She tells Kevin to go knock up his damn surrogate already and inadvertently talks Justin out of a rebound cheap booty call. After the glorious advice she gives Kitty, Nora gets the job! The Paula Deen lookalike comes to be dismissive and mean, but silver-tongued Nora gets her to confess that her children won't even talk to her and Nora starts giving her advice.
Kevin is the big man in his one-man office, and it's started taking a toll on his alone time with Scotty. But after Nora's straight talk, Kevin is ready to procreate and get some love on. Only Scotty can't do it. He is being cockblocked by guilt because he slept with someone months ago. Kevin is not interested in procreating any more. Oh, Scotty, how could you? Or rather, DAMN YOU, WRITERS!
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Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker is gonna punch a writer in the nards. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Luc stumbles out of the bathroom looking like all smiley and well-rested and glowing. Like he just either wanked or walked off a Calvin Klein billboard. Sarah's progesterone rub kicks in and she starts growling at him to "come here, tiger," but he refuses. You see, that glow there? It's not natural. Not just because onanism is wrong, but because it is actually a spray tan. He was trying not to mention it, because even though he is an underwear model, spray tanning is just not sexy. But he had to tell her because he can't have Sarah getting his junk all streaky and stuff before his big look-see today. Sarah makes a pouty face, as Luc goes to get dressed. Wait, what? If your spray tan is still streakable, how you going to put on a white shirt? Anyway, she pouts some more and asks him if he wants to do some romantic snuggling or something tonight. He shrugs, "sure" because "sure" is the response all women want when they suggest romance. They teach that response in French boyfriend school! He blows her a kiss from a distance and heads off. In a white sweater. No streaks.
Meanwhile, a bobby-pinned Nora is talking into a strainer she has named Francine about self esteem. Um, if someone is close by can they go make sure Nora is taking her meds? She thanks all her listeners (the tea pot, the whisk) and goes to a word from her sponsor (the GE family of products) before Justin walks in and administers a shot of Haldol. Nora is super embarrassed because, you know, medicating your crazy into submission is your responsibility. She pretends she wasn't doing anything at all, she wasn't talking to anyone. She goes to stand in a corner to see if Justin will disappear, but he doesn't, because he is not imaginary, unlike "Francine". Nora finally confesses that she has a try-out for the radio show today. Remember the radio show? The one where the producer was just sitting in a bar and offered her a job even though she didn't have any experience because she yelled with élan? It's like how Rebecca, an ersatz mom-made fruit advertising expert, just sent some pictures she snapped on her cell phone to Tribeca Magazine in New York City and they hired her because she was just a natural. I'm sure those sorts of things happen all the time in L.A. They don't call it la-la-land for nothing.
Justin is just as shocked as we all are that this is actually happening. Nora explains that the show is going to be called "Dear Mom" and she is going to be the mom! She admits she doesn't have a lot of experience in the workplace, but they want a real mom with real mom ideas and she is more than qualified for that role. Justin, who apparently has some preternatural ability to see this as the complete bullshit that it is, asks again why they would want Nora, exactly? She smiles and offers to give him some advice for free (strangely, it's not shut the hell up, which is advice I frequently give) but some heartfelt wisdom on how he can start to sleep again after Rebecca left him for an illustrious career hunting unicorns. She suggests chocolate cake, because chocolate cake is the answer to whatever the problem, yes, even the ones on the SATs. Justin thinks she is going to rock the interview.