Nora is arm-deep in Christmas goose and hasn't had a chance to swag the banister in holiday bunting or hang the mistletoe and holly, so her psychologist boyfriend decides the most emotionally healthy choice she can make is to cancel Christmas three days beforehand. Yes, his advice IS free. So Nora packs a bag and leaves her children to fend for themselves. Is erratic behavior a Boniva side effect?
Kitty and Kevin are squabbling over who gets the honor and privilege of being passed the Walker Christmas mantle. Sarah is feeling Grinch-y because her children are in Mexico with Joe and Luc is in China painting his mural. Justin has given up on being a doctor, settled on paramedic and really wants to still date that hot nurse (who is really his wife). So he invites her to his mom's house for Christmas not knowing Nora was going to go all Dave Chappelle and hide out in South Africa smoking her weight in weed. Wasn't that a thing?
Kitty bases her campaign for Christmas by buying a tree and proving that she hasn't entrusted Evan's upbringing to elves. Yes: Evan is alive! Evan is alive! Justin took him to a Macy's product placement. Kitty's grad student comes to help set up the tree and ends up finding out Kitty has a child. Meanwhile, Kevin has set up a Christmas wonderland, but Kitty won't abandon her dream of hosting. So they stage a Battle Royale in Nora's living room, but it was a draw.
Meanwhile, Carl gave Nora an off-brand Ambien that causes her to hallucinate a family EVEN WORSE than her actual family. Obvs, it was a nightmare for her; I found it highly plausible, except for how Sarah's lipstick and nail polish completely clashed. Interestingly, Tommy wasn't in her fake family, either.
Also, Scotty and Kevin think they have finally successfully pimped Saul out. Unfortunately it was to the guy who gave him the HIV, and Saul isn't feeling the reason for the season. Somebody get that guy a wassail. Maybe two.
Sarah, whose heart is two sizes too small, makes poor Frank fire radio staffers three days before Christmas. But he won't do it and insists Sarah do it herself. But Sarah can't once she realizes that the act she wants to axe is a ventriloquist and her dummy. Those things are creepy and you can't fire creepy without a lawsuit and a bodyguard. Then she does it anyway.
Nora awakes from her nightmare and insists on returning home to her children. Naturally they have all come to their senses and have come together to celebrate Christmas in the traditional manner with the standard trimmings at Nora's house. Justin brought the nurse, Kitty brought the grad student, Sarah invited the dummy. No, really. Then lest we forgot the Walkers are half Jewish (or all Jewish depending on how matrilineal you are feeling), Saul says a Hebrew prayer. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
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Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker wishes she had some off-brand Ambien, too. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, fruit bats and gerbils, Batman, Aquaman, Marlboro Man, whoever it is who watches this show: It is time. Yes, it is time for the Walker Christmas Special. You've been seeing the product placed ads for Macy's for
eternity weeks where little Kitty, Sarah, Kevin, Justin, and even fake Tommy, all live out their holiday dreams. Now the time has come for you to live yours. Vicariously. Through the television set. It's better this way. So sit back, relax, spike some nog, and smoke some nutmeg, whatever it takes to enjoy the show. I'm guessing it will take a lot.
SCENE: It's two days before Christmas and Santa has come early to Walker Manor. He has dropped off scrumptious silver fox Professional Radio Personality Carl in Nora's bed. Santa's getting spicy saucy in his old age. Carl walks around like he owns the damn place and plants one on Nora's head while she makes her Most Frantic Nora face and tries to place a last minute order for a free-range organic turkey. Two days before Christmas! Nora! Is Carl... er, distracting you? Is that what the "kids" at the old folks home are calling it these days? There is something extremely not right about Nora Walker not having placed her free-range organic turkey order weeks in advance. Like the writers have been smoking a little too much er... nutmeg and decided to shake things up not with another time jump (because that wasn't weird at all) but with the introduction of Bizarro Nora and the REAL Nora is hooked up to life support in Kitty's craft room, but we won't know that until the end of episode cliffhanger.
Anyway: Bizarro Nora is begging the butcher for any old turkey or, heck, a goose! She'll take a goose! Can't he just stroll over to the local park and take one of those honkers down for her? What? It's free-range. Carl is roaming the kitchen in his boxer shorts while Nora mutters about pfefferneuse and powdered sugar and mulling spices and how her kids need all their special little Christmas touches or they will just DIE. Speaking of dead, The Senator's dead and Kitty might be sad. Nora adds extra wine to the shopping list. As Nora serves Carl his coffee and he sits in quiet judgment of her over-the-topness. When Nora realizes she has burned Justin's extra special gingerbread men, she throws down her oven mitts in despair. Carl nods, because he knows what is coming next: Nora huffs and puffs and moans that she shouldn't be going to all this trouble when she knows her children don't appreciate the effort and are all whining to each other about how she crams Christmas down their collective throat. Carl nods sagely and asks her to visualize what she would rather be doing. That is exactly why I could never date a therapist. All you want to do is vent and get on with your baking and they want you to pause and VISUALIZE. Visualize this, motherfucker.