It's Sarah's 40th birthday! Again! Seems like she skipped the chapter in the Feminist Manifesto and has been lying to Luc about her age. Obviously, Luc wants to throw her an obnoxiously large surprise party with her entire family. Partially because, as a Walker, she is contractually obligated to have no friends, and partially because surprise dinner parties are the only way to celebrate birthdays on television. It's a SAG bylaw or something. Sarah swears all the family to secrecy, but everyone thinks it's too hilarious to keep quiet. Especially Justin, who missed the memo and blurts the truth in front of Luc. Luckily he already knew. Ha-ha-happy birthday.
Nora is also feeling old -- you know, because she is. An old friend got a tune-up from a plastic surgeon, and Nora, who apparently forgot how to grow old with dignity during the interim year, thinks it is a great idea. She brings Sarah along for some light mother-daughter bonding and a bit of Botox and Restylane. Happy birthday, right? But then Nora remembers, like, her ENTIRE PERSONALITY and doesn't get her neck done and instead lectures her demeaning boss and quits the flower shop. Now she's neither a florist, nor a lesbian.
While Holly has had months to mentally prepare for seeing Rebecca, we have not had the opportunity to gird ourselves. Rebecca is intrigued when David tells her that Justin has been working with Holly. Justin also has no chance to brace himself before Rebecca does a drive by visit. She won't come in, but she appreciates him helping her mom. At Holly's house, Rebecca talks to the mother who doesn't remember her and awkwardly hugs her. Holly kindly comforts her that she will find her mother some day. Rebecca starts crying and bolts from the house, because that's how she rolls. She runs straight to Justin and they make out, despite the fact that they were secretly divorced.
Kitty is playing desperate housewife up in Ojai and is acting out her favorite porn scenarios with a hunky plumber and a fake identity. Luckily, her baby has gone invisible so she can flirt all day. Kevin then pimps Kitty out to the hunky plumber and her fantasy takes a turn for the Julia Child and Kitty whips up a soufflé. But as the soufflé flattens, so do all of Kitty's lies and she has a Walker-style meltdown and ruins her own porn. But the plumber gets back on script and woos her with pizza, wine, and a pergola.
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You can follow Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Welcome back to Walkerlandia, where the passing of a loved one is not mourned so much as chucked into the recycling bin like just another empty bottle of pinot; where holding a job is a deep-dark secret; where everyone acts as if $55 million land sales never happened; where radio show producers casually offer new career paths to bossy strangers; where heinous BANGS go unremarked upon. It's a glorious place. Won't you plug your nose and jump in?
Sarah and her BANGS are wearing their reading glasses and hunched over needle and thread stitching together the rags of clothes by candlelight because she won't take even a penny from the absolutely massive profit from her land sale lest it encourage her to move to Paris. Lest you think this is another chapter in Les Miserables , to be clear, none of Victor Hugo's characters had BANGS. Her successful underwear model beau, Luc, who is supporting her in, one can only assume, his supportive briefs, finds her in the living room and points out that she looks like his grandmother darning socks. Pro Tip: Do not casually compare your older girlfriend to your grandmother. It does not go over well. Sarah growls at him and then remembers he is her meal ticket and smiles and explains she is hand sewing costumes for her kid's school play. Um... sure. That is 100% totally in character. Anyway, Luc reminds her it is her birthday, you know, in case in her dotage she forgot, and he wants to celebrate it at least with dinner. She does not need another reminder of time ticking away while she ages and he stays forever 17, stone cold, and sparkly. Sarah tries to get out of it, but Luc claims that since it's The Big One (a thousand?) he really wants to celebrate. He swears it will be just the two of them and she relents. Do I smell a surprise party?
Kevin calls Kitty to try and get her to harass Sarah with a round of Happy Birthday. (As if this show is going to pay the copyright licensing fee for that!) But Kitty is up in Ojai and packing away her groceries and ignoring her completely silent child and his artfully placed messy toys and the fact that he keeps looking off camera to his baby wrangler. Sarah is making out with her Meal Ticket when the phone rings. Kitty gets out two words of Happy Birthday before the copyright laws kick in and Sarah cuts her off. Kevin is on the line too and Sarah demands they both never mention the word "birthday" in her presence again. Then she swiftly changes the subject to Kitty's new life in Ojai. Kitty loves it up there because her celebrity status is unnoticed. Quick question: Could you recognize your senator's wife? No, you could not. Nor could you probably recognize a senatorial candidate. Just sayin'.