Brothers and Sisters

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Parenting 101
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Over at the least creatively named restaurant in town (seriously, I hope it is mentioned in, like, every Zagat review ever that restaurants named after their addresses are LAME. I mean, how can your food be creative if your name is just a repetition of a municipality-issued address?) Justin has brought his new best friend/roommate/life partner Zack to work. Seems Scotty hired him to do some light prep around the kitchen because it's his little way of giving back to the soldiers who sacrificed their lives and/or mental health for their country. It's for AMERICA. Also, those salad greens won't wash themselves. Zack is extremely excited to be working again and living with an Actual Walker (what, wouldn't you be? Hahahahaha) and he runs off to the prep area leaving Scotty and Justin to talk about him behind his back. Scotty has been reading a lot of pop psychology books in preparation for parenthood, so he has a well-developed theory that Zack was homeless because after the regimented life as a Marine he needed structure and, possibly, tummy time. Justin looks stunned by Scotty's insight into Zack's mind. Then he remembers that he is not just there to play chauffeur to Zack, but to perform his avuncular heterosexual male duty to hang some shelves in Olivia's room before Kevin can hurt himself trying to appear handy.

Luc is preparing lunch when a bloodcurdling scream stops him mid-grilled cheese flip. He rushes to Paige's side, armed with a spatula and a grim determination. But as a foreigner, Luc doesn't speak American tween and he mistook Paige's shriek for one of terror while it was really one of glee. I mean, duh. Don't you have to know that in order to get your Green Card? Anyway, Paige got invited to a dance! By a boy! Luc doesn't know him, but Paige swears he is hot. The dance is tomorrow and she's borrowing a dress. Also, she needs $50, stat. As a parent-in-training Luc recognizes the red flag raised by demands for large sums of cash. Is it for drugs? A Jonas Brothers tattoo? When Paige won't give him a clear explanation as to why she needs the money, he says no. Paige stomps away. Now she'll never be able to buy those Justin Bieber earrings that match her dress.

Scotty and Kevin are officially adopting Olivia and we get to watch! It's like one of those really touching reality television shows that warms the cockles of your heart and makes you feel good about life, except, of course, that's it totally fictional. The adoption counselor lady makes them sign a bunch of papers and then it's done! She pronounces them a family. But it's not official until Olivia records their answering machine message. Yes, answering machine. It's cute, but are they calling from the past? Also, Olivia knows how to read. A few weeks with a tutor was all it took for her to be able to read the legal document that formalizes the adoption. Jesus, who was that tutor, LeVar Burton? Reading is Fundamental!

Earlier Luc mentioned that Sarah was out of town, but he failed to state that Sarah was in Washington DC with Nora basically reenacting Watergate. They broke into Kitty's house and Sarah is scouring Kitty's email for clues. Nora gives us our first time post: Kitty was supposed to stay in DC for two weeks and stayed for six. Never forget that Walker time is basically a wormhole. Sarah reminds her that Evan's birthday is a really good cover for breaking and entering. The only thing she finds in the computer is a lot of calendar entries for "Langley." Nora looks doubtful that it is a clue, but maybe the kale in the refrigerator is? Sarah gasps, "Kitty hates kale!" Then she runs upstairs to snoop in the bedroom while Nora postulates something actually reasonable like maybe Kitty is restarting her political career? Sarah's not sold on that idea and yells "Bingo!" She found a bottle of men's cologne on the nightstand so obviously she is seeing someone. Proving Sarah's theory is that this one time in the past Kitty went AWOL over a man, although in all fairness to Kitty, Walker AWOL is probably pretty different from any other family's version of AWOL. Like, miss a family phone call? AWOL! Skip a dinner party? AWOL!

Just then Kitty and Evan come home to their big surprise. I don't know about you, but to me it seems like a bad idea to sneak into the home of a proud member of the NRA. But instead of dropping a few caps in their asses, Kitty just drops her jaw. BORING! Later, Nora and Sarah are sitting around the dining room table (very much alive) sipping wine and trying to figure out why Kitty is not drinking. I mean, is there any greater sign that something is really really wrong than a Walker not drinking? Sarah blames it on the mystery man who has taken over Kitty's life, stolen her from her family, and usurped her free will. Sarah declares that the guy "must be a real health nut," which is Walker code for "lunatic fringe." Nora puts up a good show of pretending that she is the voice of reason (hahahaa, right?) and points out that maybe there isn't a guy and the cologne came free with the sublet of the house. In this economy, it's possible!

Kitty, who was busy tucking invisible Evan into bed, rejoins her family claiming that Evan was really excited to see both of them. The subtext being that she is less than thrilled. Nora asks how she likes being back in D.C. and Kitty says she really does like it, and since she has nothing going on in L.A., she may stay on awhile. Sarah starts going on about the hot men in D.C. (um, no). Then Sarah and Nora talk in code in front of Kitty and Nora finally confesses that she misses Kitty. They want her back. Kitty is missing out on all the fun the California Walkers are having: Olivia is officially a Walker (who's jealous?), Paige is going to a dance. How could she miss all of that? Kitty shrugs, because frankly those aren't great selling points. Then she excuses herself so Nora and Sarah can talk about her some more. Neither of them believe that she could possibly be happy in D.C. so far from her family. She is obviously hiding something from them. Is it a job? Or a man? When Sarah mentions the "Langley" she saw in Kitty's kalendar Nora has a brainstorm. Kitty's working for the C.I.A.!

Meanwhile, Paige is badmouthing Luc on the phone and he totally overhears her. Ouchie feelings, ahoy! Luc hears how Paige likes him when he is being her friend, but not when he is being a dad. No one needs two dads (homophobic!). In the face of such criticism, Luc has no choice but to start acting MORE dad-like. So he makes his presence known and tells Paige to get off the phone and go finish her homework. Paige hangs up, makes her pouty face, and storms off. Sarah would be so impressed.

Speaking of two dads, Kevin comes home to find that Scotty and Olivia have spent the entire day making an enormous fort (a.k.a. Gecko Town) in the living room instead of shopping for back-to-school supplies. Kevin is Serious Dad about this and makes his Serious Dad face. Scotty a.k.a. Fun Dad wanted Olivia to feel at home and be comfortable in her new digs more than he wanted her to be properly outfitted for her first day at a new school. Kevin momentarily shuns his Serious Dad mantle and tries to break into Gecko Town for a health and safety walk through (he's not very good at being fun dad) but Olivia bans him at the entrance. He sighs and says they can get school supplies this weekend.

Justin is having a nightmare. His nocturnal bellowing awakes his roommate. Zack wakes to go check on his new BFF or maybe to see if he has turned into a mating yeti, because that's what it sounds like. He asks if Justin is okay, but Justin isn't just okay he is downright surly. He barks at Zack about how if he is keeping him up he can go sleep in the park again or something. Zack calmly tells him that he's not keeping him up, but he's worried. He knows what it is like to be a three-tour vet and be plagued with nightmares. He is concerned Justin might have PTSD. Justin glares at him and tells him that he doesn't have post-traumatic stress. Wouldn't someone have noticed by now?

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