Aw French people are so fucking cute. First they have those little accents, which are completely adorable. Then, they eat baguettes, which is downright hilarious. They also proudly wear neckscarves like their entire country was founded by a wayward tribe of Webelos. They also elected Sarkozy and shit. They are so fucking cute! Proving my point that they are kuter than kittens in kashmere, Luc, little girly sap that he is, reminds Sarah that today is their anniversary. She laughs at his tween talk and while she traces his bare man-nipple, he hands her the promise ring that he made her and they downright canoodle in bed until Sarah's phone rings. Being an ugly American, she answers it, despite the fact that she is about to get lucky with a Webelo and that she thinks it is her mother calling. Sarah answers and it is Joe, the ex, and probably the all time biggest mood killer ever. He probably just called to play her some mopey guitar and swish his stringy hair over the phone. He actually is calling to say that he is pulling up in front of the house right this very second and dumping the damn kids on her doorstep. Sure enough the doorbell starts ringing as Sarah shoves Frenchy into his pants and tells him to sneak out the back, while simultaneously jumping into her clothes, trying to air out her hair from the eau de dirty sex and pulling on her mom face. Not quite sure how Joe managed to book an international flight a day early, land, get the bags, and not bother to tell Sarah until he was in front of the house, but he is her ex-husband for a reason. Sarah flings the door open hoping the breeze will help get rid of the sexy smells wafting off of her and hugs Paige and Cooper. Paige now has a very cute namesake haircut. (It's a pageboy.) She buttons her pants the second the kids are distracted.
The Senator quietly sets down a cup of tea next to a sleeping Kitty. She thanks him for the cuppa and explains that she was not actually asleep, but was positively visualizing fireworks feting her cancer cells. You have cancer and you throw it a parade? Maybe I am misunderstanding something. Oh, maybe the fireworks are for exploding the nasty lil radicalized cells, but the pacifist positivity people don't want to use guns to bomb the buggers so instead call for visualizing fireworks. Kind of like my Quaker grandma who would insist that my brothers' GI Joe tanks shot out band-aids, which mystified me as a kid. Like, they would blow the Cobra forces to smithereens with advanced adhesive bandage technology? WTF, grandma? (WTF obviously standing for "Where's the Fun?") And I don't know if you guys follow @fakeapstylebook on the twitter, but you should because then you would know that when you are transcribing Cobra Commander you have to include hissss ssssssibilant essssssesssss. TMYK. Alternatively you can follow me @woolyknickers and I'll re-tweet the highlights. Wazzup, self-pimp? Anyway, Kitty is envisioning exploding her cancer cells (I am struggling to not write that with a "k") and seeing a healing light come over her and she passes The Senator her Kindle (just look at the way they incorporate modern technology into the show) and he thinks it is a great idea for her Republican blowhard-destroying mind and willpower to fight kancer. Wait...I thought she was the Republican blowhard. Anyway, to cheer his little cancer fighter up, The Senator invites her to a William F. Buckley event at the Reagan Library. There might be some randy Republicans and an elephant shaped cake, 'cause nobody parties like the Grand Old Party. Kitty is so excited to get out of the house and show off her chemo glow. The Senator leaves her to her Oprah-approved visualizing.
Over at Ojai, Rebecca and Holly are hard at work...planning the wedding. Isn't the company cash-strapped or something? Rebecca is complaining that Justin dances like Frankenstein in wooden pants and She. Just. Won't. Stand. For. It. Not at her wedding, nosirreebob. Holly suggests that they hire a dance instructor, but Rebecca won't allow such an expense. Ooh Ryan sighting. I wonder if the writers realized that EVERYONE HATES RYAN (I put it in bold just in case they were still wondering) and relegated him to a desk jockey at Ojai when they should have SENT HIM BACK TO SCHOOL. Seriously, if he was at Berkeley, we would never have to see him save for the awkward invite to Justin's and Rebecca's wedding that will undoubtedly send the whole family atwitter. Anyway, Ryan pops his head into Rebecca's and Holly's meeting to say that someone is on the phone for Holly and he won't take "no" for an answer. Holly instructs him to tell the pesky cold caller she is not interested. She then proceeds to tell Rebecca that she doesn't mind paying for the dance lessons and the entire wedding. As the bride's parent, she is required to by law. No, really, when you have a kid the government mails you a packet of fiduciary responsibilities, one of which is paying for the wedding if you have a daughter. Alternatively giving the groom's family a herd of goats and an Amway franchise is also acceptable. Holly just wants Rebecca to have the perfect wedding.
Scotty is doing a great job of pretending to be impressed with the leather handbags some hippy chick (you can tell because she is wearing tie dye and cut off shorts and is still in his house) handmade on the boardwalk in Venice while wearing rollerblades! When Kevin interrupts their gab fest, the girl, Michelle, reveals that she is less free love and more free market -- she is actually there looking for investors. She is swamped with her double shifts at the restaurant and the high demand for her leathery bags. Scotty explains to Kevin that he already told Michelle they had to think about it. She explains her presence by reminding them that she was the first waitress to say that she thought they were perfect for each other. Scotty smiles broadly and Kevin stammers while trying to come up with a way to not give this woman $10,000. He grabs at the first thing he can think of which is that he and Scotty are saving for surrogacy. Michelle gets it, but being the Trump of Tie Dye she inquires how much they are going to pay the surrogate. Kevin truthfully explains it is in the six figures and Michelle's eyes turn into little dollar signs and she utters the last thing in the universe that Kevin wants to hear: Michelle wants to be their surrogate! She could quit her job, make handbags full time, and HAVE THEIR BABY! Kevin's lunch almost earns itself a title credit at the thought of it.
Have a French paramour that needs a home? A wayward lover you need to stash somewhere? A friend with benefits you don't want to explain to your kids? Why not stash him at your mom's house? Perfect solution to every situation. Except when your ornery mother disagrees. Sarah sits in the kitchen of Walker Manor trying to convince Nora that taking in Luc would not at all be weird, but instead is a perfectly natural step in their open relationship. Nora claims she is far too busy playing nursemaid to possibly have a strange Frenchman in her home. Oh sure, blame the cancer patient. Sarah still doesn't think it would at all be awkward to store her boy toy at her mom's house and Nora reminds her that she has never even met the guy! Sarah, who is calmly sipping a cup of coffee, explains that she left him in the car. Nora gasps and Sarah shrugs 'cause she left the windows cracked. Kitty walks in and when she hears that Luc is in the car and Nora won't let him stay she tuts and then announces that she and The Senator are actually moving back to the ranch. Nora thinks it is too soon and when Sarah introduces her hunka hunka burning Frenchman, Kitty quickly agrees that it might be too soon to go back to the ranch. I mean, c'mon, if you could either hang out with just Rob Lowe or if you could hang out with Rob Lowe AND Gilles Marini, wouldn't you go for the double scoop? Don't lie, of course you would.
Nora is so disturbed by the prospect of Kitty moving back into her own home that she makes a detour to her local Senator's office to lodge a compla