Rebecca's and Justin's Hawaiian wedding extravaganza is ruined (RUINED!) by an EVIL hurricane. But obviously we all know that it was way too expensive to fly the whole cast to Hawaii, so they are throwing a Californian luau. If Justin can man up to getting married in a white suit.
Kitty, who is starting to look more and more like India.Arie, goes for her MRI to see how her cancer treatment is going. The Senator is there, too, despite Kitty's protests that he needs to maybe go to Washington and, like, vote or something? Cancer, much like a medical office's waiting room, doesn't care who you are, and it turns out Kitty's tumors have not responded to the chemo and, in fact, have grown. But she doesn't tell anyone because she doesn't want to bum out the bride or interfere with the climate bill.
After last week's drug and alcohol lost weekend, Justin is back on the meeting tip. He confesses that he had a glass of champagne at his bachelor party and submits to the ritual flogging and denuding. In the sheltering anonymity of Narcotics Anonymous, Justin tells his group all the things he can't tell Rebecca, but unfortunately, the group's anonymity doesn't work when the bride-to-be's dad is sitting in the crowd. David reads Justin the marrying-my-daughter riot act. So Justin tells Rebecca about all of his Issues. And that goes over really well, obviously.
Simon shows his seedy underbelly (not in the shower this time) and asks Nora to help him get some money out of a Nigerian bank, all she has to do is give him a $100,000. Luckily she happens to have that much sitting around. Also, Nora does not deserve to be happy, ever. Obviously, Simon runs off to Portland with her hundred grand (not the candy bar, the money).
Obviously, Tommy has to show up to Justin's wedding, and obviously he had to kidnap Elizabeth to make his family hate him more to justify his prolonged absence. Kevin's inner lawyer makes him call Julia, who hops on the next flight to California to reclaim Elizabeth and issue a strong "Screw you!" in the general direction of the Walkers. Except Scotty and Kevin, who invite her for a sleepover. Does "bros before hos" mean nothing to these people??
Remember at the engagement party, where Justin didn't show up for like two hours? He pulls the same shit again. But he snaps out of it when a kid gets hit by a bike in front of him, and he knows at least as much as a Boy Scout and makes a tourniquet out of a tie and sends a smoke signal for an ambulance. The moving experience makes him basically the lead in his own personal life-changing Christmas story. Suddenly he loves his life and can't wait to be a husband, a father, and maybe get a brain transplant so he can be a doctor. But it's too late, Rebecca's already called off the wedding.
But, as the previews last week clearly showed us, that calling off was complete bullshit just meant to manufacture drama. So the California wedding is thrown together at the last minute, everyone dons earth-tone outfits, Justin doesn't shave, Saul officiates, Scotty and Kevin kidnap Elizabeth, someone brings a football, Kitty wears her Sue Sylvester wig, and Rebecca wears a nightgown. It was beautiful. But before the I Dos can be uttered, Kitty collapses. She's not breathing. Now THAT'S drama.
You know how Scotty and Kevin got married in Nora's backyard? And how it looked like Kitty and The Senator got married in the backyard, too? And how, like, every Walker celebration ever took place in the goddamn backyard of Walker Manor? Well, why break with tradition, right? So here goes: OH NOES! Hurricane Zelda has just been upgraded to a Category 2 storm and it is threatening to swamp the Hawaiian islands. Does this mean that Rebecca's and Justin's wedding luau will be rained out? YES. What about the ukulele players?? Will they ever get another job? NO. Well, not until world famous director Wes Anderson (who refuses to be my friend) needs a score for his next Gwyneth Paltrow-Jason Schwartzman extravaganza. The Walkers, who apparently have nothing better to do (like, say, work) are all gathered around the television at Walker Manor anxiously watching the weather reports on the progress of Hurricane Zelda towards Hawaii. It is not looking good. So they spring into action. Or Saul does anyway. He calls the hotel to see if they can move the wedding inside or if they have hip waders for the wedding party to wear or at least maybe can they get 10% off the tablecloth rental? Justin, obviously, wants to postpone the wedding and gets very snippy with anyone who comes up with an alternate plan to said postponing. He just wants to postpone, okay? Looks like somebody wore his crankypants today! Oh who are we kidding, Justin hasn't changed his outfit in six months and those crankypants have adhered to his skin and will only be removed with industrial strength solvents or some heartwarming epiphany. When the California news announces that the Hawaiian airports are closed, Justin jumps up and down and squeals while everyone else looks crushed at the loss of a Hawaiian vacation. Justin remembers he is supposed to look glum, so he stomps out of the room to prove his point. I've been trying to figure out a "Legend of Zelda" joke, but I'm stumped. Crap.
Meanwhile, Holly and Rebecca are at the doctor getting Rebecca's first prenatal checkup. Gosh, I wonder why she didn't invite Justin? Maybe because he is a crankypants who doesn't want a damn baby and is ripe for a Christmas comeuppance? Maybe? Rebecca has some doubts about going ahead with Baby's First Sonogram without Justin, but Holly is like, WHATEVER! SHOW ME MY GRANDKID. So they do. Between us, first sonograms are not usually done abdominally, but the more medically-correct way would probably gain this show the hoary eye of the FCC. And this show likes to save THAT for hot doctor shower sex. Rebecca and Holly giggle in awe at the sound of Baby's First Heartbeat. The doctor claims that judging by the pretty picture, the baby is about 8 weeks along. So it's like a lima bean with a heartbeat, which is totally Christmas card material, right?? For some reason when the doctor says it is 8 weeks along, I expect Rebecca to gasp, "That's impossible!", and then admit to some one nighter with Ryan. But I guess we would still see the grease spots on her skin if she did that.
Justin is still in a snit and Saul goes to be all avuncular in his general direction. Justin confesses that he is totally relieved that the wedding is postponed, which is completely obvious to all but the most oblivious of the Walkers. Okay, that means everyone but Saul. Saul asks Justin whether or not he told Rebecca about being a big fat stupidhead and flunking out of doctor school yet, but for some reason Justin's been putting that conversation off. Undoubtedly he is saving it up to scream it at her mid-other argument before the end of the show. Saul kindly tells Justin that there is time to tell her, which is truly a nice pressure-relieving thing to say and Justin looks a tetch less OH MY GOD for about two seconds, until Nora yells that Rebecca is there. Then the OH SHIT look reappears in his eyes. Out in the living room Rebecca has a goofy grin on her face and Justin can't believe no one broke the news to her about the ruined Hawaiian wedding extravaganza. Does he have to do everything around here? SHEESH. But Rebecca knows and she's cool with it. But she doesn't want to reschedule the wedding. Has she come to her senses and decided she would rather be a single mother than married to the GIANT DICKHEAD that Justin has become? NO! Justin almost looks hopeful at the prospect of being able to wallow in medical school studying without the guilt, but then Rebecca goes and ruins it all by saying she wants to get married on Saturday but on the beach in Malibu instead. Justin's face falls like it was hit with a very localized earthquake. Rebecca explains to Justin that she met the baby today and it totally said, "Hi!," because it is a super genius (obviously it did not get that from its father) and that it really wants its mommy and daddy to get married before it is born a bastard child. Holly and Rebecca are too giddy at the impending prospect of BABY to notice Justin's blank stare. Nora practically screams, "What can we do to helpppppp!" And then everyone jumps to attention and starts making rapid-fire plans to get this wedding DONE. Go team!
Over in Santa Barbara, Eden and Cruz are plotting...oh wait. Kitty and The Senator have fought the siren call of Pasadena and are actually at their own house. Kitty has opted to skip the wig and instead is wearing a floral head wrap that somehow references both Erykah Badu and Minnie Pearl, which is not something that happens nearly often enough. But really it looks like she was in a Kitty-panic and grabbed the closest Laura Ashley pillowcase and tied it up into a turban. The Senator will be officiating the wedding and after long and hard consideration, a focus group, a Zogby poll, and a few townhalls has decided to go way outside the box and read from ...Khalil Gibran. Maybe throw in some First Corinthians to really get wild. I haven't been to too many weddings because all my friends are hamsters and hamsters cannot legally get married in any state because of RAMPANT HAMSTER DISCRIMINATION. But, the best wedding reading I heard was a couple who read a story from Days with Frog & Toad about being alone together and it was cute. Also, it was not Khalil Gibran. Also also, it was not First Corinthians. Anyway Erykah Pearl over there can't believe The Senator is officiating a wedding instead of like doing his job and representing the concerned citizens of California and their interest in not falling in to the ocean and like voting on the climate bill in this little place called WASHINGTON DC. Maybe he's heard of it? The Senator laughs because he is SO not going to Washington. As if! Doesn't she know that you can't drink coffee on the Metro there? Like what is the point of a morning commute if you can't drink your goddamn coffee on the goddamn subway, right? It's like a big plot to prop up Starbucks development in the greater DC metropolitan area. The Senator swears that he has enough votes and besides, he is not going to miss her big MRI tomorrow. He needs her to hold his hand while they get the results and find out whether or not the tumors are responding to the chemo. Nothing funny about that.
After last week's lost weekend of a single sip of champagne, Justin is back in his Narcotics Anonymous meeting, which I wildly prefer to the other option which is watching this entire episode with the specter of another intervention hanging over our heads like the sword of Damocles. I mean, it would be just like them to make an intervention-wedding pupu platter episode as the last one of the year, right? Right. Anyway, so Justin raises his little addicted hand and confesses to having a drink at his bachelor party last week and somehow no one snorts derisively or even seems to roll their eyes, but I bet if you go to those meetings you are probably a master of rolling your eyes quietly to yourself in a corner so no one notices. But, I keep thinking of Bubbles from The Wire at HIS meetings and I don't think he would be too impressed with someone backsliding via