Brothers and Sisters

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Getting Lei'd in California
a single sip of champagne at their own bachelor party. Justin explains that he is getting married and his fiancée is pregnant and he is overwhelmed and stressed and isn't ready to be a father or a husband and wishes he knew someway out of this pickle other than through the bottom of a bottle. He turns as a woman lays a comforting hand on his world-weary shoulder and who does he see sitting there glowering at him in a very unsupportive way? David, the father of the bride himself. And he is not very happy. During intermission, Justin finds David and begs for clemency. David swears that the only reason he isn't already on the horn to Rebecca is because he respects the anonymity of the meeting, but he did submit a blind item to the New York Post and alerted his 56 Twitter followers, so Justin better watch out. Justin tries to explain that he is a social moron with the people skills of a houseplant and he just can't talk to Rebecca the way he can talk anonymously to a group of addicts. David knocks him in the back of the head and tells him to figure his shit out or else.

Back at Walker Manor, Simon is wooing Nora with a dozen red roses. She plants one on him (tongue, too!) and then promptly rips all the heads off the roses in some weird flower beheading ritual required for the capturing of younger men. (I saw it on Charmed so I know it's real.) Nora offers to reimburse Simon for the flowers, not with money but with an invitation to THE event of the Pasadena social season. He demurs because he has to be in Portland hustling the ladies up there for some money for his Nigerian...er, Guatemalan charity. Er...not charity, rather Unique Investment Opportunity. While he doesn't make a profit personally, his elite investors make a tidy sum off of the interest of his loans to Guatemalan children. He breaks all the kneecaps himself so his select few investors never have to get their hands dirty or risk extradition. Doesn't that sound like a great investment? If only Nora had a measly $100,000 lying around unused somewhere and not invested in her own charitable organization. If only she had that then she could join the upper echelon of benefactors taking part in this Unique Investment opportunity. Limited Time Only! If she doesn't pony up the cash, he's off to Portland and she's going stag to her son's wedding. Oh the shame...At the mention of the $100K, Nora makes a face like...wait, I DO have a hundred grand that I'm keeping under my mattress instead of investing in my own charitable organization. But, Simon doesn't want to mix business with pleasure unless she is really serious, then he'll show her his prospectus (nudge nudge wink wink). They start frenching again at the thought of financial comingling and are rudely interrupted by stupid old Tommy who has come to California for the impending nuptials. He has Elizabeth in his arms and Nora basically knocks Tommy down, grabs her granddaughter and wanders off leaving the menfolk to introduce themselves.

Oh looky, even with that gold-plated congressional health insurance, you still have to sit in a waiting room for, like, hours when you go to the doctor's office. Kitty and The Senator kill time by counting votes on the climate bill via BlackBerry and then debating whether his wedding speech should start with the Khalil Gibran or the First Corinthians. Maybe a joke that has both? Maybe a metaphor ("The Prophet" is like a Bible verse...) Then a sad sad song starts up and you know The Senator is about to make some tear-jerky speech about love and I am already getting cold and calloused to insulate myself from the FEELINGS that are most likely about to ensue. The Senator says that love is sitting together in a waiting room pretending they aren't scared. That is love. And how the fear of losing her is too much and will change everything. And realizing that the one place you feel most alive is when you are lying next to her just breathing. Kitty tears up at that and as the tears roll down her cheeks, OBVIOUSLY then the doctor is ready to see her.

Tommy and Kevin are waiting for Justin at the tuxedo shop for a fitting because the tailors in California apparently have much quicker turnaround then any other tailor in the entire contiguous United States. Really now, one day later? Anyway, Justin is way late and rushing around like a meth head at a Miley concert and throws on his pants and is about to lunge at his trousers with scissors to just get them shorter NOOWWW when Kevin steps in to pin them because the tailor is out to lunch. Physically, not mentally. Tommy's appearance barely garners a shrug from Justin. Kevin and Tommy are unimpressed with his headless chicken act and commence to tease him, as big brothers are wont to do. But Justin does not want to be teased. Not about the wedding. Not about the goddamn baby. And not about his too long white pants. He tears the pants off (they're from the Chippendales line, apparently) and runs out the door to get the permit for the wedding and, god willing, a haircut. And god even more willing, a sense of humor.

Tommy and Kevin are having a filial heart-to-heart over how much Elizabeth looks like a combination of Julia... and Kevin. Kevin is so glad that Tommy and Julia worked out their differences and that they have come so far in so short a time span. Just a few weeks ago Tommy couldn't even see Elizabeth and now he gets to bring her to California? That's amazing. Tommy's topiary hair spells out AWKWARD SILENCE and Kevin, being the smart one, puts two-and-two together. Tommy didn't have permission to bring Elizabeth to California. He kidnapped her! Tommy, if you are going to confess your sins to somebody, tell Sarah, maybe Kitty, but DON'T TELL KEVIN! Chucklehead. Kevin flips. His inner lawyer CANNOT HANDLE THE TRUTH. Tommy needs to call Julia RIGHT NOW and confess that he broke the custody agreement and took Elizabeth across state lines. Tommy protests that it is HIS weekend and it's only a two-hour flight, so what's the big deal, eh? Hold on, the wedding just got switched to California, would Tommy have brought her to Hawaii? He is truly stupid. Silver lining: Justin's not the only moron in the family. Kevin stares at him mouth open, eyes wide, like he just stepped in a big old pile of stupid.

Kevin runs screaming from Tommy's overwhelming solipsism and inability to see the big picture and right into Scotty's consoling arms. Scotty being a smidge more practical than Kevin wonders if Julia will ever find out about Tommy's breach of the custody agreement and transporting his child across state lines. The lawyer half of Kevin momentarily takes control and slaps Scotty across the face: THE LAW HAS BEEN BROKEN regardless of whether Tommy gets caught. Kevin's brotherly personality struggles to regain control, hugs Scotty and swears it'll never happen again, baby. He hopes Julia never finds out. Scotty timidly offers up his opinion that Julia will probably never get wise to the situation and Kevin looks all hopeful, but then Kevin's evil lawyer half takes over again and he realizes that Julia will totally find out, because there's a rat in the ranks. That Elizabeth will sing like a canary the second she gets back to her mother's arms. Kevin picks up the phone to call Julia and try and convince her to let Elizabeth stay for the wedding. Strangely he has her number memorized.

Sarah and Nora prep the living room at Walker Manor for the rehearsal dinner. Nora wants everyone to pretend the living room is the beach, but NO SAND. WTF? How is anyone supposed to pretend it's the beach if you don't even try, Nora? I mean one dumptruck full of sand on your hardwood floor would just make the whole thing so much more believable. Kelly Wearstler would do it. Kevin comes in to break the news to Tommy that he is about to get sued and maybe arrested, but before he can head upstairs for that delightful conversation, Nora tells him and Sarah that she invited Simon to the wedding. Kevin and Sarah both scream, "NOooooooooooooooo!" And then try to pretend that they didn't, but Nora is suspicious. She may be old, but her hearing is still pre

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Brothers and Sisters

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