It's Wedding Day! Justin is all dressed in his white suit, still rushing around like a headless chicken and now his button is coming loose! That's the last straw -- the wedding's off! Nora offers to stitch up the loose button. So the wedding is back on! Huzzah. By the way, Justin is all starched and clean and ready to wed, but HE HAS NOT SHAVED. Do you know what this means? This means that he thinks that his sparse two-day beard is a FASHION STATEMENT. I always thought it was just that he was busy doing Important Things like Studying or Having Interventions and didn't have time to bother with the boring act of shaving. BUT, NO, apparently it is an actual decision. Thus rendering the beard not just a straggly reminder of better things to do, but instead an ersatz George Michael proto-beard that is passing as Justin's lone shout-out to facial hair differentiation and love of the 80s. In short, HE WANTS TO LOOK LIKE THAT. Who knew? Nora stops mid-stitch and stares at her son because, you guys, it's his wedding day! Say it with me: Awwwwww. Nora beams at him and comments that she is so happy to see him not looking so worried and panicked and instead almost looking serene, like he might actually want to get married. Like how nice that he looks almost happy on his wedding day, right? He looks flustered because he doesn't want anyone pointing out that he's been an absolute ass for months. Then he notes that Nora looks pretty beamish herself and she smiles and Justin knows it has to do with that skeevy doctor she's been hanging around, only he doesn't know that the doctor is skeevy because Sarah and Kevin have been keeping that little nugget of truth to themselves. And, wait, wasn't Nora supposed to ask Justin if she could bring the guy to his wedding? Shouldn't she have asked in advance? We all know how Justin feels about surprises. Nora asks Justin if she can give him some advice: the scariest things can make you the happiest. Justin is unimpressed with those words of wisdom. Saul rushes in all recently-ordained and ready to officiate. But does he have the Khalil Gibran? They can't get married without that. And I am SO glad that there is no, sniff sniff, I wish Dad was here bullshit, because William was a philandering pilfering pain in the ass and mentioning him on the day that you plan to marry his mistress's daughter would just be awkward, to say the least. Justin and Saul run off as Nora's phone rings. It's Simon. Obviously he is not coming because obviously he "had to fly to Portland," which is a euphemism for "cash that $100,000 check pronto." Nora sighs in sorrow over having to go stag to her son's wedding, not yet realizing that she has just given her money to a con man and her children will NEVER let her forget it.
All the girls (and Evan) are getting dolled up over at Holly's house. As hair is curled and lip gloss is doled out, Kitty calls The Senator to break the news to him that the wedding is back on (for now) and he is going to miss it. That'll teach him to do his job. She breaks into tears on the phone out of happiness at the impending union of Rebecca and Justin and quickly hangs up so she doesn't smear her makeup. Sarah chides her, because once one of them starts it will turn all Niagara Falls with all the girls boohooing and whatnot. Holly tells Rebecca to hurry up and get dressed, but Rebecca wants to hug and savor the moment and shit. Gah, girls are mushy.
At the beach, everyone is wearing beachy earthtones except Saul who is wearing a navy blazer, I guess so everyone knows he is the officiant and thus important. Cooper has brought a football, because it's a wedding and they need the customary football toss or the union will not be consummated in the eyes of the NFL West, obviously. Tommy is toting his gym bag, too, because why not bring a duffel bag to a wedding? It's a duffel bag, so it goes with everything. Saul asks Tommy to fill Kevin in on the last-minute plans, but Tommy won't do it because he is still angry and has no interest in ever talking to his brother again until some as yet unknown point when something heartwarming happens and he changes his mind in an instant. Until then, he is PISSED OFF. Cooper spies Kevin in the distance and alerts Tommy, but wait...does Kevin have Elizabeth with him? Yes, he and Scotty are helping Elizabeth walk across the sand. See, Tommy? See? Kevin loves you and will kidnap Elizabeth to prove how much he loves you. Julia is tied up in the trunk of the car and they will let her out after the wedding ceremony. So, see Tommy? Kevin is a good brother. Tommy tears up and runs to Elizabeth and barely thanks Kevin. Then the girls arrive and Kitty and Sarah are wearing matching dresses. Everyone is laughing and being all familial and shit and Tommy has the football. Hold up, you know who is not there despite nominally being a Walker? Ryan. And, all I can say is: THANK YOU. It's like a little Christmas present just for me. Kitty runs to Justin to give him a big hug and pin his boutonniere on him. Then the bride comes in with Paige, the flower girl. Rebecca is barefoot and wearing her best nightgown for the occasion. They break into a run and Rebecca throws herself into Justin's arms, but he can't handle the pressure and calls off the wedding. Then it's back on and Saul calls everyone to order and at long last it's the wedding ceremony! Saul has written a whole speech about dearly beloved and what it means. The first reading is an e.e. cummings poem and Justin and Rebecca have asked Kitty to read it. It's no Khalil Gibran, but it is a nice poem about love and hearts, or I think it would have been a nice poem except that half way through Kitty stops reading, gets a funny look on her face, and collapses on the sand. Justin springs into action and quickly reports that she's not breathing. Tommy calls 911 and orders up an ambulance. Justin tries mouth-to-mouth (on his sister, which I guess is legal in California) while Nora helpfully crouches next to him squealing, "Kitty!" By the way, THE WEDDING'S OFF.
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker is a writer and radio producer living in New York City. She thinks she would have heard by now if Calista Flockheart wasn't coming back to the show, but you never can tell. You can follow her hiatus-driven antics on Twitter (@woolyknickers).