Well, shit. I should be watching the Golden Globes right now, like the ENTIRE REST OF THE UNIVERSE, but instead I am watching this, THIS. I am pretty certain that ABC is doing this to me because not a single Walker was nominated in any category and the show was once again overlooked. But since I can’t even remember what happened last season except for the introduction of Ryan Fucking Lafferty I am thinking that they deserved to be overlooked.
Sarah is back on the dating market with that dad she met at the science fair. And what better way to introduce the guy she’s been dating for a day? (an hour?) to her amazing family then to bring him to a family dinner. Those always go off without a hitch, right? But, that invite pretty much gets rescinded when Sarah and Roy inadvertently face off during an ugly PTA meeting and Sarah swears of dating men forever. But just men, so you know, Joe could come back or something. Anyway, at the dinner party, Sarah is well on the way to drunken oblivion when Roy actually shows up. Score one for him! Then minus twenty because he is a Republican and has to talk about it… with all the Walkers drawing party lines.
So in this week's adventure with Scotty and Kevin’s sperm, they boys are at the fertility clinic hoping to implant their advanced blastocystes in their surrogate to finally hopefully make a baby although we all know it will probably be twins. Then during the procedure Scotty says something about “Licorice and Lady Parts” and I blank out until the whole threesome is bunking in Paige’s bedroom playing Wii Tennis to a Lady Gaga soundtrack. Check back for the recap if you actually really care for the details. Anyway, Michelle is not living up to Kevin's surrogate expectations and he is obviously bugging her and kind of Scotty and kind of me with his Nervous Nellie routine. Also, Michelle has to stay on bed rest for three days and not have sex for four months and this is wildly disappointing for her barely legal boyfriend.
But the big news this week is that Kitty has a friend! And it’s Cheryl Hines! Cheryl Hines is her friend! Also, I just saw Kitty at the Golden Globes and she has a full head of hair (which I think I can actually see peeking out the side of her Badu-esque wrap). Anyway, Cheryl Hines is some sort of one-woman Southern Republican political machine and, as fully expected, Kitty decides that she might just maybe be interested in running for Congress. Obviously she doesn't mention that to The Senator, because WHY WOULD SHE? What are they married or something? So when The Senator decides that (SHOCKER! No, really.) he doesn't want to run for re-election, Kitty obviously gets called out as a potential congressional candidate at the press conference and it freaks everyone out. Especially Kitty. And The Senator. And Kevin. Evan's there too, but he didn't seem to notice.
Saul finally gets his ten minutes per season, with everyone being all concerned that he hasn't changed out of his cranky pants in a month. I guess it's been a month since last week's episode. So Sarah doesn't want to ask Uncle Grumpy to go fix his financial fuck up and then Nora volunteers to fix it because she used to do all the books at Ojai. Then Saul catches her sitting at his desk and he yells, because he is cranky. Later at the dinner party, after a few drinks and a few jibes from Nora, he comes out with the fascinating observation that he is old, his dreams are dead, and all he has is his job and he didn't like hearing that he fucked up at work. So Kitty hollers at him about a dream deferred and right then and there decides that she wants to run for Congress for reals! Obvs the soon-to-be ex-Senator walks in at the end of the speech and is all wtf, woman? Which she deserves. ‘Cause wtf ,woman? Talk to your damn husband already! She eventually does and they hatch a charming little plan: Kitty should run for The Senate! Oh shit that is going to be really confusing for my nomenclature.
If you wasted your entire evening watching the Golden Globes (a.k.a.: I'm James Cameron, Bitch!) because you couldn't miss seeing Jon Hamm's victory speech or seeing the first woman director win the title of "Best" or seeing Lea Michele take home the crown for all the Gleeks out there, I bet you were kind of disappointed right? And, obviously, you should have stayed true to your school and just watched your beloved Brothers & Sisters and read the Fug Girls covering the red carpet and watched highlights on the YouTube. I mean, as Roger freakin' Ebert wrote: "All hail Avatar, yes, but the year's best picture? Give me a f--king break." I mean Ebert was so disappointed that he watched the Globes instead of Brothers & Sisters that he was two hyphens away from actually swearing! Anyway, I'll forgive you.
So, Sarah is out on this mad hot date with ManBoobs, the hot (?) single dad she picked up at Paige's science fair because that is what single moms do when they don't want to risk embarrassing their daughters. Anyway, she apparently got his digits out of the PTA directory or punished Paige for being such a tweeny twit and made her get the guy's number from his daughter, which would be the ultimate humiliation, right? So Sarah and ManBoobs are out for coffee for the third time that week because neither of them has a job apparently and Sarah is dressed for winter in a hat (beret, actually) and full-length wool trench and he is in like a linen blazer so it kind of looks like they green screened them together, but I don't really imagine the show has the budget for that. The giggly twosome are swapping parenting horror stories and tween traumas and having such a gay old time that ManBoobs spontaneously asks her what she is doing that night. Sarah confesses that she is having dinner with her sister and husband, but heck, he should come too! He thinks it'll be fun! Oops, did Sarah forget to mention that her mother, uncle, brother and brother-in-law are coming too? Did she forget to mention that her brother and his husband are knocking up their surrogate today too? Did she forget? Well that is easily remedied. And, obviously, very important information for a guy you might want to date. ManBoobs, to his serious discredit, still thinks it sounds like a lot of fun. Someone should check his IQ or up his medication. And, really Sarah? You want this guy you've gone out for coffee with three times to meet your entire family at one of the ALWAYS wildly successful Walker dinner parties? Are you going to start drinking now? Because as you said, that's a hell of a lot of Walker. Perhaps your beret is on too tight?
The Senator can not believe he has to work on a Saturday. Isn't that unconstitutional or something? He'll get his staff right on writing up a bill or something. Anyway, he is whining as he walks through the halls of his office followed by Kevin, and, oh Diversity Alert!: A guy in a wheelchair who we have never seen before, but who is apparently an incredibly important member of The Senator's staff. Also, wheelchair! Although The Senator seemingly just dropped out of the race for governor, he is, despite all appearances, still a senator. And the new guy, Wheels, is hellbent on keeping him that way and wants to get The Senator into some early fundraising for his reelection campaign. The Senator whines a lot about "the game" and "pandering" and "his message". He doesn't want to spend his time in the hallowed halls of the Senate fundraising. Um, yeah, because he would really prefer to spend it sitting on his couch watching Attack of the Show and eating chocolate-covered bacon like the rest of us. He is a man of the people after all. Anyway, Wheels really wants him to start thinking about the future, but The Senator wants to table the conversation before he says something no one wants to hear. I assume he means something like another rendition of . Kevin gives The Senator a weird look because WE ALL KNOW WHAT HE'S THINKING, but The Senator won't make eye contact. Completely ignoring even Kevin's most quizzical look and endearing eyebrow raise, The Senator reminds Kevin he is due at the fertility clinic and pushes him out the door.
Over at the fertility clinic, Michelle is her usual brassy mouthy self even though her legs are up in stirrups and Scotty has a video camera aimed right at her bizness. Kevin is loitering behind her trying to giver her a modicum of modesty (and to avoid all possibility of seeing her "ladybits"). Michelle and Scotty exchange A Look at the mention of "ladybits". Michelle does not want modesty -- she wants brashness and video documentation and anatomically correct nomenclature! Scotty reminds Kevin that as parents they have a responsibility to use only the correct words, not licorice and ladybits, which manages to sound like both a shite band name and a lousy variety of bridge mix. Kevin rolls his eyes and Nora calls and Michelle mouthily opines that it's a bit weird to have his mom in the room during conception. Kevin rolls his eyes again and Nora sends him positive vibes or whatever they do in California and hangs up the second the doctor comes in the room. Poor Kevin, having to put up with Michelle for this whole process.
Over at Walker Manor, Nora hangs up and finds Sarah scaling the pantry walls looking for a Bundt cake pan. For some reason spellcheck is insisting I capitalize 'Bundt', what did Jim Bundt invent the stupid thing? Is it a trademark? Anyway, Nora is all raising her eyebrows that Sarah is both baking a Bundt cake (tm Jim Bundt) and making drunken pork for her dinner party tonight. She must totally be trying to get ManBoobs drunk so she can Bundt him. Sarah is all giggly and happy as she talks about ManBoobs (I swear as soon as I figure out his name I'll stop calling him that, but until then you're stuck. If it really bugs you, go buy him a man bra.) Anyway, since Sarah is all happy and giddy OBVIOUSLY he will turn out to be a stalking FBI agent who will terrorize her and force her to move back to Pasadena under the protection of Nora who will have to kill him with her fireplace poker while Saul hides in the pantry with his finger on the alarm's panic button. Not to typecast ManBoobs or anything. But before Sarah can make her trademark infringing cake or get her pork loaded, she has to swing buy Ojai and fix Saul's financial fuck up. Nora is intrigued that her brother, deft as he is, could have screwed something up so badly that Sarah wouldn't even ask Saul to fix it himself. Sarah confesses that Saul has been such a grumpy bunny lately that she just didn't want to ask him about it. Nora nods in agreement about Saul's attitude problem and then in a fit of boredom or pity for Sarah, she offers to head over to Ojai-ai-ai and fix the tax error herself. Don't forget she used to do all the books! Please god, please, don't let Nora find evidence of some giant fraud that Saul has been perpetuating. Please god, please. I'll be good. I won't say ManBoobs ever again.
Kitty is now a lady who lunches. And she lunches with Cheryl Hines. Cheryl Hines with a voiceover from Paula Deen, which is weird. But you have to admit that you are really excited that at least one Walker has a friend. Even if it turns out to be a work friend. But still! A friend! A Walker with an actual friend. I never thought the day would come. I'm tearing up a little. Anyway. Kitty and Buffy are lunching, because their names are Kitty and Buffy and what else would they do but sip gin rickeys while flipping through the latest edition of Garden & Gun while their manservants pluck quail in the woodshed. So apparently Buffy and Kitty are lunching and strolling down memory lane about the good old days of the White House and g-strings, which I guess puts the