Fuck medical school, being a paramedic is sooo much sexier. And nothing is sexier than a paramedic covered in blood splatter. He's so hot, the hottie patottie nurse begs to go on a ride-along with him. That's not a euphemism. A near-fatal car crash proves that Justin has finally stumbled upon the correct career path and is totally do-able. They make out and then decide to make their relationship official: They're a couple!
Kevin and Scotty are facing the harsh realities of fostering a child. Don't worry, they got a recommendation from Nora, which was so glowing that they get invited to an adoption fair the next day. At the fair, in a delightful turn of events, they are adopted by a Punky Brewster of their own who is charming, well-adjusted and adorable.
Kitty is still robbing the cradle, but someone leaked the story, and as it is a very slow news cycle, it's gone viral! Yes, like so many ninja housewives and lol cats before her. You want links? Check back for the full recap. Obviously, Kevin teases her mercilessly, Nora offers her unfaltering support, but Kitty has to go and see the Dean first. You know, the Dean who is The Barista's mommy and also the evilish mother from Heroes. All hopes aside, she doesn't laser the top of Kitty's head off to feast on her brain, but instead points out to Kitty that she can do better than The Barista. Kitty laughs it off, but, of course, his backpack, love of PB&J, and puppy dog eyes are suddenly striking Kitty as immaturity, not charm. But then she reads his short story (starring her!) and it's all charming again.
Nora makes some territorial pissing all over Professional Radio Personality Carl's book signing. Then Nora invites Carl to dinner, but fails to mention to him that it's a Walker dinner party. Surprise! And did Nora mention that Carl isn't wild about the Walker children? Carl doesn't get the ground rules, though, and doesn't drink the pre-dinner glass of wine and thus fails to properly insulate himself from Walker family drama. Kitty brings The Barista and Scotty and Kevin have nothing better to do (like, say, work?) than hang around Walker Manor. The jokes start to fly, Kitty gets defensive, Kevin gets angry, Carl gets uncomfortable, but there's pie! Unfortunately, pie is not enough to make Carl stay. Don't worry, he calls and makes his apologies live! On the air! Anonymously! But Nora won't stand anyone walking out on her pie. So she dumps Carl. Live! On the air!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker wishes she had some off-brand Ambien, too. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Justin is fully ensconced in his new and latest job of life-saving superhero a.k.a. paramedic. He rolls into the emergency room looking all fly in his blood-covered uniform barking orders and the ladies are swooning. Remember that ghastly polyester-shirted powder-sugar snorting Justin from the off-brand Ambien inspired Walker Christmas Carol episode? He's like that, but blood covered. So obviously WAY more awesome.
The nurse --and I am starting to realize that I don't actually know her name or I did know it and now I have forgotten it -- gets the vapors at the sight of Justin rollin' with his gut shot homie into her ER all spattered and handsome. She throws her panties at him. Based on my close studying of Grey's Anatomy, this is actually common behavior for hospital employees and is actually encouraged by the HR department to improve hospital morale.
Justin's IRL wife tells him she loves his swagger and his sway and can't wait to show him how much, you know, at the bowling alley later. Justin makes an I Smelt It face and she's like what? I didn't dealt it. Justin explains that as the rookie paramedic, he signed on to work a double. No bowling alley. So if they hadn't just run into each other in the ER, was he just going to stand her up? That'll get her scrubs in a bunch. She nods that the job is his life and she is happy to be second fiddle to his fluid-spewing career choice. She has low self-esteem because she is really quite hideous to look at (hahahahahha, in the words of Raymond Chandler, that girl is so pretty she would make a bishop kick out a stained glass window), so this behavior is quite reasonable to her. Justin says he will try to meet her for lunch later, if he can, maybe pencil her in or something. Maybe. Don't hold your breath. He has his career to think about. She touches the hem of his blood-spattered uniform as he turns on his heel and walks away. Sigh... he's so dreamy. In a Saw IV kind of way.
Professional Radio Personality Dr. Carl is trying to add some fortune to his fame and has written a book of folksy aphorisms and paternalistic advice proving that he is basically Wilford Brimley without a luxuriant moustache. In other words, he's just the oatmeal. This does not stop the fifty-something ladies from lining up to have him sign their books. That is not a euphemism for anything. Nora surprises Dr. Carl by standing in line and asking him to inscribe her book to "Nora Adrenaline" which is barfy. He stands up and then asks her to sit down next to him on the other side of the table for a front row seat to all the action. His action. A lusty lady strolls up, smiles big, and asks him to sign the book to Tricia. Nora, despite the impossibility of the move due to being on the same side of the table as the good doctor, moves to cockblock the bitch. She pulls out Dr. Carl's phone that he "left" at her house last night (read: she swiped just for this occasion). As she utters the words she smiles cattily at Tricia. Dr. Carl stares at his phone in confusion, but Tricia gets it. When Nora starts blathering about making Dr. Carl a marriage-worthy roast chicken, Tricia suddenly realizes who she is up against: Dear Mom, Nora's radio alter ego (emphasis on the ego). She starts gushing over Nora and suddenly Nora is all smiles. As Tricia wanders back to her day job Nora notices that Dr. Carl is completely fucking horrified at her behavior. She smiles broadly, crosses "Territorial Pissing" off of her To Do list, and excuses herself to go roast a chicken. Dr. Carl just can't help but smile as she leaves him in peace to sell some damn books.
Kevin and Scotty are getting the cold hard truth about foster parenting/adopting. The young perky social worker who is not at all world weary reminds them that they need to keep their expectations low and put up with whatever shit the system doles out. Now, who's up for role playing? Scotty eagerly waves his hand in the air as Kevin sinks into his seat. The social worker picks them anyway, hands them a plastic white baby doll, and then knocks on the pretend door. She tells them that the mother decided to take the baby back and she has every right to do that so hand the baby over. Scotty with all his acting skills refuses to relinquish the child, but Kevin coolly reminds him that they have to hand the baby over. Everyone yells at Kevin to get in character. He sighs and then puts his heart into the role and when he is done bidding a fond farewell to his plastic newborn son, there is not a dry eye in the house. Being a foster parent is going to be so hard, challenging, and heartbreaking yet ultimately rewarding and heart warming. Let's all be foster parents! No, really. There are a lot of kids out there who need homes. This is the afterschool special alerting you to that fact. Also, spay and neuter your cats and dogs. Also also, don't do drugs.
At Kitty's mid-century modern home, she is making out with her barista in exchange for an expertly-made latte. She didn't have any money for the tip jar. What would you do?? They are making out fully clothed with their mouths mashing each other unconvincingly when their gawky lovefest is blessedly interrupted by phones ringing. Then more phones ringing. Then more phones. Kitty finally cracks when Sarah calls from her "business trip," so The Barista answers his call from his cousin. They get the same news: The details of their sordid consenting adult relationship has leaked. Or in Kitty's words "gone viral." I don't think you should ever say a sexual relationship has "gone viral" because STDs are nothing to plaster all over the front page of the Huffington Post and just take some penicillin already! Sheesh. Kevin texts Kitty the article, which, under the headline "Kitty's Kiddie," details how the former senatorial candidate is dating a barista. Oh the horror. Adding to the Kafkaesque feel, The Barista's mother calls. He wisely declines to take that particular call. Then the dean calls Kitty. Kitty boldly answers the phone, but asks The Barista to hold her hand. The dean wants to see her in her office immediately. Gulp.
Over at Walker Manor, Kevin is gleefully chortling about Kitty's sex scandal. Nora is tut tutting away pretending she is above it all. I mean this is her little girl! Her Kitty being called a cougar! Tragic, really. Kevin is reading the juicy bits a loud when Nora's better judgment and/or lack of desire to hear about her daughter's sex life abruptly tells him to knock it off. Kevin sighs. Nora tries to change the subject by handing him his letter of recommendation and hopes that he is a better father than he is a brother. Ouch, right? But hold up: Who asks their MOM for a letter of recommendation? Nice realism, show. Kitty texts Kevin that there are paparazzi at her house. This is just like that time that all the paparazzi went to Sarah's house because Luc's citizenship status was a hot-button political issue. Those Walkers are such media whores.
Nora tells Kevin to text Kitty that this is ridiculous and she is allowed to date whomever she wants. Nora dated a con artist once and that was HER PREROGATIVE. * cue Bobby Brown * Seth is a very nice boy! Er...man. Kitty asks if she can come to dinner at Walker Manor because it is safer there. Nora tells her to bring Seth, too, but Kevin is NOT invited. Until Kitty invites him and then *Ta-da! * It's a Walker dinner party. Dr. Carl is REALLY going to enjoy that. I mean, obviously. Kevin tries to subtly ask if Dr. Carl is going to be their new daddy and if so whether he will love them as much as their old daddy did. Nora thinks about it for a minute and says, yes, in moderation, he does like her children. She begs Kevin to take it easy on him, because Dr. Carl was raised by wolves who were far more well-mannered than the Walkers and it is going to be an adjustment period. Kevin recommends that Dr. Carl drink more. SO SAY WE ALL. Also, so SHOULD we all. No