Kitty has been such an attention hog these last few weeks that you may have forgotten that Sarah has children, but don't worry this week she is back at her maternal best --Picking up single dads at Paige's science fair. But as a single mother to an angry tween, she can't handle the science fair alone and has to call in the uncles to do the hard stuff. What? She's a girl.
Scotty and Kevin are making progress at their own science fair. But it turns out that blastocysts don't develop into embryos on competitiveness alone. Know what else doesn't thrive on competitiveness alone? Science fair projects. Especially those that become petrie dishes for Walker neuroses. Basically, Kevin's uber-competitiveness and Justin's insecurities cause the collapse of Paige's mile-high fruit salad battery, but Sarah gets the charge. It's always the mother's fault! But for all Sarah's tween trouble she gets to flirt with a divorced dad. And if Sarah watched a little more Sons of Anarchy she would know to be very cautious around this guy.
Justin's academic advisor is a dick. Granted Justin is most likely the worst student he has ever had in his precious program, but where's the stodgy old dean's love of encouraging academic growth? Anyway, being an ass trickles down and Justin is back to being a dick to Rebecca in no time. She in turn is on track to gain 90 pounds during her pregnancy. But a chance encounter with a four-eyed science nerd gets to the root of Justin's medical school woes: He's not mentally challenged, he's learning disabled! Guess I'll have to come up with more politically correct insults for him. And I bet that advisor will feel like a real ass.
In other news, Simon is back. Apparently he skipped town for six weeks, but he didn't cash Nora's check. Although she did cancel it before he could try. But that doesn't mean he's not lovable! And creativity counts for something, right? And his excuse for being AWOL is a thing of beauty. He managed to stitch together a tale of bone break fever, an emergency trip to the jungle, corporate fraud and a mosquito bite. It's a tale that even Nicholas Sparks would love. Nora sets herself up to look like a sucker, but she is not nearly as much of a sucker as we all think. She gets her big revenge and with Sarah and Saul as witnesses, she bids him a not very fond farewell.
You know how Holly wanted to give Ryan a free pass last week so long as he confessed his emotional turmoil. Well all the anger that was eerily missing last week is back with a vengeance. She's all ready to haul him to jail herself until Saul reminds her that Ryan saved Kitty's life. Clearly he bought himself a get out of jail free card. Holly's can't really stomach this stupidity, so she does the only thing she can do in this particular plot arc: call Dennis York. She is ready to sell her shares of Ojai. And when she asks an exorbitant per-share sum and he says yes, they both walk away from the negotiating table making Mr. Burns happy sounds. But Holly's not as eager to get the hell out of Ojai-ay-ay as one would think. She thinks Dennis's offer is too good to be true and she won't rest (or sell) until she figures out his angle. Also, she can't leave Ojai, because then she would have no purpose on this show whatsoever.
Also, Kitty is still alive.
But the weirdest thing about this episode is that it is directed by Dr. Kerry Weaver. What is even weirder is that after some rapidfire IMDB-ing, it turns out she has apparently directed six episodes of our beloved drama (including the one where Kitty almost cuckolds The Senator with someone far, far less attractive). I mean, sure, ER is cold in the ground, but how the heck did she end up directing THIS show? It's not even on NBC.
Are the Walkers the worst TV family of all time? Find out. And check back soon for the full recap.
Awww soooooo precious! Paige is turning into a bratty teenager right before our eyes. Remember back when she was just a little kidlet struggling with her diabetes diagnosis? Or her parents divorce? Or that time she killed her grandpa? Precious memories. Time just moves so darn quickly. Now she is a surly tween with a mother of a chip on her shoulder, a hatred of tuna sandwiches (or at least the mercury in them), and a love of science projects. Sarah is as bewildered as I am by the change in her daughter from darling grandpa killer to snippy pre-adolescent, but Grandma Nora's not. She's seen it all before and really doesn't give a rat's patoot about seeing it again. So when Sarah wants to talk about Paige's transformation into a Mean Girl, Nora just wants to talk about pretty much anything else. Sarah keeps trying to talk about her struggles with single motherhood and the challenges she is facing with her rearing her child and Nora just talks right over her and then finally snaps, "Sarah, for god's sake, shut up! I want to talk. Me me me! I want to talk about me!" Well, more specifically, she wants to talk about Simon. She ignores the well-deserved WTF glare from Sarah and explains that Simon called this morning. Twice. Hold up. The kids just left for school. Meaning it is, like, 8 a.m. Who calls twice before 8 a.m.? Sociopaths, that's who. And maybe my mother-in-law. Same same. Sarah hopes that Nora had the sense not to call him back and Nora almost does, but she is also really looking for an excuse to call him back. Sarah fills us in that Simon has been gone for six weeks with nary a phone call, email, carrier pigeon, smoke signal, or message in a bottle. He split for six weeks after Nora gave him a $100,000 donation to his "charity". Nora looks abashed, but can't help but remind Sarah that Simon never cashed the check so obviously he still really likes her and had a great excuse for not getting in touch. Sarah harshly points out that Nora actually cancelled the check before Simon could cash it. Nora looks really embarrassed and sad at the reminder of how much the writers hate her. I mean, good grief, I'm starting to think the writers on this show have some thing to prove about how older women are completely helpless when it comes to their finances. First Holly gets Madoff-ed, despite being a very business savvy and finance-minded actress. Then Nora gets robbed blind by a guy who was pretending to be in love with her and was seemingly giving her a chance at real happiness. It's starting to get a little ominous for the over-50 set in Pasadena. Also, the writers need to stop with the stereotyping. Also also, would it really be so bad if Nora actually was allowed to be happy?
Elsewhere in California, Scotty and Kevin are sitting in a doctor's office waiting to find out if their embryos turned into blastocysts turned into embryos or something. Obviously Kevin is impatient and Scotty is much less so. Kevin is also very keen to find out if any of "his" embryos progressed, because he is still stinging from the massive blow to his ego and masculinity from his sperms' massive failure during the earlier test. How the fuck did I end up having to write about sperm? Good god. I've been in my family for 30 years and we have never talked about sperm. I've been with the Walkers for two (three?) years and it is like the second most common topic of conversation next to embezzlement and followed closely by cancer. What the heck sort of show is this? Anyway, Kevin is flipping through his own medical file when the doctor comes in. Kevin jumps back like he will be fined or jailed for looking at his own medical records. The doctor explains that their egg donor produced ten viable eggs and five were implanted with Scotty's sperm and five with Kevin's wonky lil guys who wear coke-bottle glasses and can only turn left. Good news! Eight of the ten developed into blastocysts. I was going to include a picture here, but they are all really boring. I want some blastocyst gif that has, like, Danny Devito emerging from an embryo to really illuminate the IVF process. Anyway the punchline of this entire scene is that five of the blastocysts are from Kevin's slow swimmers! Obviously he can't help but break into a victory cheer so exuberant that it embarrasses everyone within a twelve-mile radius except, obviously, himself. He stops doing laps around the doctor's office just long enough to fake console Scotty who is more humiliated by Kevin's behavior than his sperms' weak performance. Kevin is going to be intolerable this episode. Sigh.
Meanwhile, Justin is facing the academic firing squad, which is composed of just one lone advisor. He explains that Justin is not kicked out (yet), but he is on academic probation (again) and should probably just drop out and spare them all the indignity of having to look at his dumbass everyday. It is clear that this advisor went into academics to inspire students. He reminds Justin that even if he manages to pass all his classes, raise his grade point average 2.43 percent, and not ruin his life and marriage in the meantime, he will still have to take the Boards, which he probably won't pass. Why not give up now and spare himself the exertion and maybe try chiropractics or something? Justin gulps and then bravely asks what will happen if he doesn't quit? The advisor rolls his eyes and hands him a reading list the size of Breaking Dawn. Not that I know what that looks like. I just saw it once. On a shelf. In a bookstore. Definitely not at my house. Shut up.
Saul finds Holly not hard at work at Ojai. He wants to talk about Ryan. Holly hopes that Ryan doesn't want his job back, because she just gave his desk away. AND HE SABOTAGED OJAI AND DOOMED THE COMPANY FINANCIALLY, RIGHT? RIGHT? Saul laughs, no, no Ryan happily resigned and is happy not to work there any more. Holly smirks, "He's not the only one." Saul chides Holly for saying anything nasty about Ryan. He's a kid, he just wants to start over. And he saved Kitty's life! He's a hero! We should give him a medal! Holly can't abide that nonsense: The insurance investigators know it was Ryan. They want to bring a case against him. That is the only way they will get any compensation for their loss. Saul, the company's financial officer, asks if they can halt the investigation against Ryan. Sure it will ruin the company's financial stability, but did he mention that Ryan saved Kitty's life? Did he mention that? Holly is stunned. Is Saul really asking her to weigh Kitty's life against Ojai's finances? Yes he is. Holly gets it. It makes her really upset, but she gets it. She tells Saul it is fine. She dropped the charges against Tommy and now she'll drop the charges against Ryan. Despite the fact that it will kill her finances both personally and professionally. She'll do it. Because she has to. Saul is very unsympathetic. And I sort of am too. I mean, she's the mistress of the founder of the family business who bought her way in to take over the company. She bought the Walkers and their Family First mentality. She pretty much did this to herself. And I think she is finally realizing it. Hence, her tears. Saul thanks her and leaves her alone in her office. But she doesn't sulk. She does the only sensible thing: She calls Dennis York.
Over at Walker Manor, Nora is mysteriously wearing a baseball cap. She is also doing laundry, which could explain the laundry-day outfit she is wearing, but the baseball cap is a bit incongruous. Nora's just not a baseball cap kind of lady. Anyway, the doorbell rings and she yells "who is it?" and it is, of course, Simon. She looks panicked, but instead of telling him to fuck off, she quickly chucks the hat, changes her shirt and gussies up as much as possible in 30 seconds. She asks him what he's doing there and he tries to weasel his way through the front door. He just wants to explain in person. Nora lets him in. Which is infinitely sad.
Since Sarah is a girl and girls can't do hard stuff like science, Scotty and Kevin come over to help Paige with her project for the science fair. A