Back at Walker Manor, Nora pours the wine and settles in for some love advice a la Francaise. Gabriella is not concerned that Nora and Carl work together, you must seize love by the balls. It's the French national motto! If you don't believe me go ask the next French person you meet. Nora wants to believe (she watched a lot of X-Files back in the day) but is worried because she has a wrinkly neck and her last boyfriend turned out to be a con artist and the one before that was ...Danny Glover? Who am I forgetting? [Editor's Note: A polyamorous married architect, of course. From England! -- Mindy] Anyway, she's been hurt and rejected. Gabriella knows something about rejection. Not from MEN obviously, but her son won't talk to her. Nora has advice: A dinner party! That always works with her kids, except, of course, when it goes horrifically wrong. Nora will help Gabriella cook a meal and then leave Luc and Gabriella to talk things out. Now, what does Luc like his mommy to cook for him? Moroccan food! Nora makes a grocery list.
Kevin tries to talk some sense into Justin, but he is too busy burnishing his Bro Glo (I just made that up, but I like it) to admit that maybe (just maybe!) making out with two different women on the same day is wrong. And maybe (just maybe!) he could consider keeping it in his pants at his brother-in-law's place of business. Justin shrugs. He can't help it, bro, chicks dig him. It's like he's giving off musk or something. Kevin shudders at the word "musk" coming out of his brother's mouth because: YUCK. Also, awkward much? Justin thinks the Army did some sort of breeding experiment on him or something and it's awesome and he's not going to stop it. And then he says something so vile and disturbing that I am not sure I want to recount it for you. Okay, I will, but cover your eyes. Or I'll cover my eyes and make this face while I type and you do what you will: Justin says, "Captain Happy finally remembers what it's like to be single." Yes, Justin has named his babymaker Captain Happy. You may all commence retching. (Which, by the way I always thought was spelled "wretching" but my spell check and most online resources except urbandictionary.com disagree. TMYK.)
Kevin manages to not react violently, but rolls his eyes at the "straight clichés". Justin, feeling rather cocky, tells him to ask "little big man" about that. Kevin cannot believe he ever told Justin that. I cannot believe that I am going to have to recap an entire conversation about what the Walker boys named their penises (peni?) I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS. Kevin told Tommy, Tommy told Justin. What was Tommy's then? The Magnificent Seven. Kevin snorts, "He wishes." You know what I wish? THAT I DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THIS! Silkwood shower! Now! Kevin leaves when Justin agrees to schedule his hook ups on his own time.
Nora went to the grocery store alone, because Gabriella is too busy drinking wine, perfecting her neck scarf, and some other French stereotype. Making sweet sweet love to a mime perhaps? Nora calls Sarah and tells her the plan. Sarah is on board because she does not think it is healthy that a man has a bad relationship with his mother. Plus it makes her think that the only reason Luc is with her is because he needs a mother figure. Okay, I added that part, but, right? Right. Nora tells Sarah about this wonderful article written by Dr. Carl about how men try to recreate their relationship with their mothers in the women they marry. Sarah is fascinated. Now she just has to convince Luc to go to a Walker dinner party but with Moroccan food. Luc scoffs that he doesn't like Moroccan food. Gabriella likes Moroccan food. Plus she doesn't cook. Sarah begs, but Luc is firm: NON!
Meanwhile Nora is realizing some of Gabriella's lesser qualities. She didn't start any of the prep work for the feast, but instead re-arranged Nora's living room to look like a Bedouin tent. Nora is not amused, but ever the consummate hostess doesn't lose her shit either. She just makes a horrified face and some mildly sarcastic comments that Gabriella doesn't pick up on due to the language barrier. What? Nora is a hostess, but she's still a Walker. Gabriella wanted to make it as romantic as possible. Nora gasps, "For you and Luc?" Those French people are wacky after all. Gabriella corrects her, it's for Nora and Carl. Carl called and Gabriella answered the home phone (French savoir faire, I guess). When she heard his cable was out and there was going to be no Leonard Bernstein, she invited him over for Moroccan food. Nora is not pleased at all. She and Gabriella get in a snit off as to whether Gabriella should have asked Nora first or whether Nora should bask in the knowledge that the man she loves (or kind of likes at least) is coming for their first date at her house with her daughter, son-in-law, and a very dramatic French lady. Gabriella skips off to the boudoir sing-songing that Nora loves him!!!
The ladies have made up (or had more wine) and Nora is frantically cooking, while Gabriella loots the liquor cabinet. She decides that the perfect, nay, ONLY! Drink for the evening will be absinthe. Because nothing says amour like a giant ass headache and the spins. Nora doesn't even bother trying to talk her out of it. Adding insult to an ever-growing list of injuries, the doorbell rings and it turns out that Gabriella told Carl to come two hours early. Nora moans that she smells like lamb fat, but being French stereotype, Gabriella tells her just to put a scarf on and no one will care what she smells like. That's the OTHER French motto. Nora wraps Gabriella's scarf around her neck and goes to answer the door. Carl says hello, but only has eyes for Gabriella Laurent. Apparently she was the star of his favorite French film and it is an honor and a privilege to kiss her small, smooth hand. Carl is completely starstruck to be in the presence of the star of Rhapsody of the Flesh. Carl is all giggles and googly eyes, but Nora has had it up to HERE with this putain.
Justin's whoring ways start to catch up to him when the girl he made out with in the freezer covers for someone on the late shift, which is when the girl he made out with in the storage closet is working. Are we at the wacky hijinks, yet?! Why yes we are: Kevin has insinuated that Justin both has a cold AND a cold sore. Instead of running for the Valtrex, the girl is offering Justin tea and lemon. Meanwhile, Gabriella, Carl, and Nora are chugging absinthe and extolling the virtues of going a little crazy. On cue, Sarah arrives to announce that Luc is not coming and Gabriella starts to go a little crazy. Luckily there's a doctor in the house. He is more than wiling to take matters (and the lady) into his capable hands. Nora chugs her absinthe as if there is no tomorrow. How French! Back at the restaurant, Justin is not amused that Kevin told the ladies that he had the herpes or even a cold. When Justin's storage locker lady starts feeling up his forehead and his freezer lady spies it and starts slamming pots and pans around, Scotty sends the little himbo home. Justin tries to argue, but Scotty and Kevin insist: OUT OUT DAMN TRAMP!
Nora has resigned herself to drinking in the kitchen and contemplating beaning a French lady with a leg of lamb, when Sarah come