Saul and Nora's mother has been hit by a bus! It seems she's developed dementia almost overnight, and there is no choice but for her to move in with Nora. But, Marion Ross would rather live in a nursing home. And pretty soon Nora agrees with her. Especially after she sets the kitchen on fire. But when Nora tries to please her too much, Ida opts for assisted living over her daughter, which smarts. But in a moment of dementia, Ida says something kind about Nora, and that will just have to suffice.
Kitty's opponent for the Senate has started a campaign complaining that both Kitty and The Senator are on death's door and are far too weak and hooked up to IVs and can't possibly raise their arms to vote for the needs of Californians. But who cares about health woes, when The Senator has a believability issue. Seems The Senator wasn't totally honest with Kitty about why he was denied his dream job. He said it was because of his health, but somebody powerful (specifically, Dr. Anspaugh from E.R.) blackballed him because his country needs him for something else. Pretty sure that same thing happened to Eriq LaSalle. Kitty figures out that he is hiding something and calls him on it. But all The Senator can tell her is that "They" prevented him from getting the job because "They" want his help with something as yet undisclosed. If The Senator is not the new Jack Bauer by the end of this season I am going to have WORDS with the writers.
File under things I didn't need to know: Sarah and Kitty's cycles have synced up. This is important because Sarah's period is late. She's a Man Trap! It's all a plan to keep Luc in the country or at least to make him come back! Sarah doesn't take a test, though, but she does make Kitty feel her up. But when Kevin blurts something out during a conversation with his sisters and Luc overhears it, Sarah ends up peeing on a stick. While they wait those two long minutes, Luc says a whole bunch of wrong things about needing a baby to stay together. Sarah gets mad, but it's all for naught: she's not pregnant. But she'll always have wine. After a few bottles (Seven, actually. What, she's not pregnant.) she's ready to make up with him. Then, just as Luc packs his last parka the doorbell rings: Luc got his Green Card hand delivered by cherubs riding unicorns.
Speaking of pregnancy, Kevin is panicking about Michelle's pregnancy hormone levels, and Scotty logically suggests they visit a psychic. She senses new life and a big dark cloud, too. Scotty and Kevin spend the rest of the episode debating the accuracy of the psychic's predictions, which is more cute than annoying, but just because it is Kevin and Scotty and not, say, Justin and Rebecca. At the end of the day, they get the call: Michelle is officially, medically pregnant.
Even though Justin and Rebecca eloped, they still get gift registry. Fuckers. But what Rebecca really wants is a house (specifically, a cute little bungalow up Sunset). Since she gave all her money to Ojai, she's out of luck. More interestingly, one of Justin's military buddies died fighting, and Justin heads off to the funeral. As the duly elected representative of the State of California, The Senator is also at the funeral. When Justin mentions feeling wistful about not being in the fight and mentions wishing he could serve his country in a larger capacity, The Senator gets to thinking. He decides to take whatever the fuck Man in Black Ops job they are offering him that will take him away from my TV screen. There is a lot of patriotic fist-shaking at the television right now.
Saul is sitting alongside a hospital bed when Nora rushes into the room. Their mother was hit by a bus, but miraculously she sustained merely a sprained ankle. Wow Miracles ARE everywhere. Nora didn't even know her mother was in town, which just goes to show what a lousy relationship these two have. Did you get that? LOUSY RELATIONSHIP. I just have a suspicion that will be important later. Saul, however, calls his mother on occasion and knew she was in town visiting someone named Eunice. I am pretty sure we don't know who that is. Nora points out that Ida's hair is looking Marcia Gay Harden poofy, but Saul kicks her in the shin because: TIMING, Nora, really. A young whippersnapper doctor comes into the room and explains that Ida was hit by the bus and then was incoherent and disoriented for over an hour in the hospital. He announces that after this incident, Ida can no longer live alone in New Mexico. She might run over a cactus or a novelty-sized bottle of tequila or Tila Tequila for that matter or wander into Arizona and not have proper identification. He won't release her from the hospital until Saul and Nora have come up with a plan for round-the-clock care and supervision, be it nursing home or at their home. Saul and Nora shake their fist at the perky upstart doctor who doesn't have to live with his Grouchy Grandma and then they start playing Paper Rock Scissors to see who has to tell Ida the Grouch. Not it!
At 5:30 in the morning, Kitty jumps up and down squealing at the sleeping senator. Kitty, that shit'll get you killed in this household. The Senator is all kinds of confused (but still hot!) when he wakes up to find Kitty looming over him and railing against the press for claiming that she and The Senator are too sick to serve their country. Which is a big old load of poop to be sure, but clearly it could wait until at least the crack of dawn to be debated. Kitty hands The Senator the paper so he can see the incriminating article for himself. But when he flips to the sports section and sighs that he missed the end of the baseball game, Kitty is not amused. How can he not care when they are calling him sickly. Add that (paltry, measly, 19th century) insult to the injury of being denied a job due to arrhythmia when quadruple quadruple bypass Dick Cheney is still employed or at least on Meet the Press. The Senator still doesn't care, which bothers Kitty, but I'm still saying that at 5:30 a.m. beggars cannot be choosy about how the recipients of their early early edition rants respond. Kitty does the only sensible thing and IMs Sarah, who is obviously awake because BEING AWAKE AT %*@! 5:30 IN THE MORNING IS TOTALLY NORMAL at least for crack addicts and new parents. Sarah is awake because moaning over your boyfriend's deportation is best done over a pot of General Foods International Coffee Ennui-flavored blend. It has a hint of melancholy and cinnamon, with an undercurrent of baby's tears. She is sooooooo depressed about losing the love of her life due to an administrative deadline. She's been crying all week, even in meetings! (I bet they taught her that at Wharton.) She can't live without him. She won't live without him! But, no, she won't marry him, so QUIT ASKING. Kitty rolls her eyes as her IM pings again. This time, Kevin joins the UnSlumber Party. Sarah is bitching that her period hasn't come yet which is why she is so emotional or something, but Kitty's not listening. She is calling Kevin. Kevin greets her with a stage whispered question: When she was pregnant, what were her HCG levels? Yeah, nice question to ask someone who miscarried, chump. Kitty doesn't remember, but she also can't hear Kevin because he is whispering. He can't talk louder because he promised Scotty that he wouldn't harass anyone with his anxiety-riddled questions about pregnancy hormone levels. Also, IT'S 5:30 IN THE MORNING! Kevin mumbles something about how Sarah could just feel herself up when she was pregnant, but he can't really feel Michelle up, now can he? I don't know, actually, maybe he can. Maybe it's in the surrogacy contract. When Kevin mentions pregnancy boobs, Kitty gets a big idea and hangs up on Kevin. She clicks back to Sarah and tells her that her period is late. Squee! Sarah doesn't believe it until Kitty tells her that their periods synced (File THAT under things I didn't need to know) and she got hers over a week ago. Sarah is late! That's why she is so emotional. Sarah hangs up on her. But then she checks her boobs and looks suspicious.
Kevin has managed to wake Scotty. Which is not surprising because as they like to remind us, they live in a LOFT and one of the risks of Loft-living is that even stage whispers at 5:30 in the morning will wake your loved ones. Also, having the lights on and cackling. Scotty comes out of the bedroom and groggily shouts, "J'accuse!" and denounces Kevin for calling Michelle at that infernal hour and having her assess the tenderness of her breasts. Kevin denies it, but Scotty squints at him and forces him to admit that he was Googling HCG levels. Kevin glares back at him and Scotty suggests he stay the hell off the internet and that they go see a movie to keep their minds off of the potential pregnancy. That's a great idea Scotty, except that I doubt, EVEN IN L.A., that the movie theaters are open at 5:30 IN THE MORNING. Kevin starts looking through the listings, but Scotty is more intrigued by the ad for the Psychic. Yeah, nothing to get your mind off the future like paying money to see the future.
At the hospital, Ida is awake and already far far snarkier than I will ever be. Saul is asking her to tell them everything she remembers from last night, but she has no interest in reliving the gory details. Saul insists though, so she relents and explains that she left Chicago. Nora interrupts and helpfully reminds her that they are in Los Angeles. Ida just about hits her upside the head explaining to the morons that she was talking about the play Chicago. Then she got lost and ended up here. She wants Saul to hurry up and fill out the paperwork so she can get home. Saul nudges Nora who apparently lost the round of eenie-meenie and gets to tell Ida the bad news. Nora haltingly explains that the doctors think Ida shouldn't live alone any more. They are worried that she will have another episode. Ida wants Nora to bring her those doctors so she can smack 'em with her purse. Ida has NO intention of being shuffled off to live in a nursing home. She is going to live with Saul. Saul quickly says no because he has work and a small house and it would never work. It's pretty unfair of him to not even consider the possibility, especially because it means that Nora has no choice. So Nora offers. In fact, she even says "please". Ida looks at her and shakes her head; she would rather live in a nursing home. Nora is startled by that little revelation which will undoubtedly result in many thousands of dollars in therapy bills. Then she smiles at Ida and says she is coming home with her anyway.
Justin and Rebecca are acting like all newlywed couples: Both on their laptops, not talking. Aww they really are married. Rebecca is cooing over her registry booty. If you elope, do you really get to register? I thought the only reason anyone suffered through a wedding was for gift registry. As Rebecca looks around their kitchen for a corner to let their new breadmaker get dusty, she kind of pouts that the house that she fell in love with is for sale. Justin rolls his eyes, because he is in school and she just gave away her trust fund to the flailing family business. If she wanted an adorable bungalow up Sunset Boulevard to store her 12 dinner settings, then she should have bought the damn thing instead of forcing her two million dollars down Holly's throat. Rebecca sticks out her lower lip, because the TRUTH makes her pouty. But then Justin gets an email saying that a friend he fought alongside in Iraq has died in Afghanistan and Rebecca suddenly feels guilty for pouting over bungalows. Justin looks really sad as he notes that he didn't even know the guy was still over there. War is sad. Hold me.
Nora is helping her very cranky mother up the stairs of Walker Manor when the doorbell rings. Nora barks at whomever to come in and Saul barges into the house. Speaking of dementia, Saul is wearing a red plaid lumberjack shirt with a red striped tie. It's giving me the headaches just looking at it. Nora ditches Ida on the stairs to greet Saul, giving Ida the perfect opportunity to accuse Nora of abandoning her and making a big spectacle of dragging herself up. Nora has reached out to people from the Nora McDonald House (wait, what? Oh yeah, her charitable organization that she completely ignores because she needs time to stuff squab) to find out about helping the crotchety elderly. She found a walker and a mahjongg partner all with one phone call! Saul wants to make sure Nora understands what she is giving up by taking Ida in, which is pretty lame considering he knows Ida doesn't want to go to a nursing home and he won't take her in because she would be blinded by his color -pattern choices and overtly gay lifestyle and she might cry or something. Nora glares at him and remains resolute in her decision to keep Ida with her. In fact, she's going to have a dinner party to welcome Ida to Walker Manor. Ida doesn't strike me as a squab kind of girl.
Kevin and Scotty have found a psychic who operates during the daylight hours. While psychic is dispensing stellar wisdom about a journey for a family membe