Buffy the Vampire Slayer
As You Were

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Sep: B- | Grade It Now!
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That old spud of mine

Spike's in his crypt, reading a book by candlelight. I guess he doesn't have to worry about ruining his eyes. Buffy storms in and tells Spike she needs information. He says he'll help "if the price is right," and makes a little joke about how little money she makes working at the Doublemeat Palace. I guess that's okay, though. Using someone for sex probably doesn't entitle you to free information. I couldn't possibly even begin to understand the etiquette in this strange relationship. Buffy tells him she's looking for someone called the Doctor who deals in demon goods, but Spike has other things on his mind. Buffy's business-like demeanor seems to have gotten his dander up -- he gives her a long, lazy up-and-down look. When she tells him the Doctor is doing whatever he's doing "soon," Spike practically winks and asks, "Soon but not now?" Suddenly the tone in the room changes as Buffy softly asks, "Tell me you love me." The look on Spike's face is amazing -- he drops the flirting and looks so hopeful and happy. "I love you. You know I do," he replies. Buffy steps closer. "Tell me you want me," she continues. "I always want you," he says, and then Buffy shuts him up by pulling him over to one of the sepulchers, conveniently covered in blankets and pillows. She frantically unbuttons his shirt as her eyes search his face. Um, I feel like I've taken up writing romances, but that's what happened.

Some time later, the camera pans back to show us Spike and Buffy asleep on top of the sepulcher. There's some noise in the room and Buffy stirs restlessly. Then the door slams open; Spike sits up on his elbows and Buffy sits all the way up, clutching the blanket to her chest. When Spike sees who has entered the crypt, he begins laughing and then tells Riley (for it is he -- ugh, damn romances), "I don't usually use the word 'delicious,' but I've got to wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh?" Riley looks stone-faced and Buffy simply dazed as Spike continues to gloat about screwing Riley's ex-girlfriend. Nice manners, Spike. Never you mind about Buffy's feelings in this situation. Just keep acting like she's not even there as you attempt to engage in a dick-measuring contest with her ex-boyfriend. Anyway, Riley couldn't care less what Buffy does. He's got him some Sammy keeping the artillery warm at home. Instead, he says, "That's not why I'm here. Doctor." Buffy looks shocked and betrayed.

Back from commercial, Buffy looks questioningly at Riley, who gestures in confirmation towards Spike with his gun. The shock of hearing that Spike is the villain of the week finally sends Buffy scurrying for her clothes. As she scampers off for a place to dress, Spike pulls off the blanket and gives Riley the full monty as he needles him about getting his vamp suck-jobs. I was just kidding when I mentioned a dick-measuring contest, Spike. There wasn't really any need for you to show off the goods quite so blatantly. Riley has no reaction to the goading, but instead looks around the crypt (pointedly avoiding the free show) and asks, "Where are they, Doctor?" Spike claims to not know what Riley's talking about or why he's calling him Doctor. Unimpressed, Riley tries a little macho posturing himself, saying he's glad to be back in Sunnydale where he knows who to beat for information. Buckling his pants (finally), Spike antes up with, "She's not your bint anymore." Um, yuck. I don't think that's a very nice word to use about the woman you love. Isn't it like calling a woman a cunt in America? And since when was Buffy anyone's possession, especially Spike's? Ugh. Blather blather about how Buffy has always wanted him, but Riley is not distracted. He asks Spike straight out where the eggs are, but Spike just laughs and calls Riley crazy.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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