Buffy the Vampire Slayer
As You Were

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That old spud of mine

Riley is just punching Spike in the face when Buffy arrives back on the scene. She looks shaken by that and protests, "The Doctor. It can't be Spike." Aw, ain't that nice? Spike says she doesn't have to defend him, so she whops him in the face too and continues, "It can't be, okay? He's too incompetent." Oh. Not so nice. Riley is convinced that the demon eggs are there, and prepares to search the place. "Over my dead body," protests Spike, and Riley actually gets a "heh" from me when he shoots back, "I've seen enough of your dead body for one night, thanks." As Riley heads downstairs into Spike's bedroom area, he asks Buffy if she's coming with him. She looks torn, but after a sad look at Spike she resolutely follows Riley downstairs. She's still protesting that Spike couldn't possibly be organized enough to be the Doctor when they discover a whole mess of big artichoke-like eggs in the corner. At this point, I wasted valuable minutes trying to decide if the eggs looked more like artichokes or like evil Cabbage Patch Kids cabbages. I wonder how the eighties would have been different if the Cabbage Patch craze had included bloodthirsty demon critters. But y'know? Those Cabbage Patch Kids were freakin' dangerous enough with their heavy-gauge steel skulls filled with reinforced concrete. The day I got mine, there was a definite shift of power between me and my brother. Especially when I extended my range by tying my jump-rope to wee Cathy. Little did my parents know that I was using my Cabbage Patch Kid as a mace to stave off my brother's reign of terror. My m-o-m was just happy that I was finally playing with a doll. Anyway. I guess this whole tangent is moot, because upon reviewing, I've decided that they look more like artichokes after all. Isn't there some little town in California whose claim to fame is being the artichoke capital of the world? I can't remember what town that is. I could look it up on the Internet. That's pretty much the type of thing the Internet was created for, but I feel I've wasted too much time on this already. ["It's Castroville. No, don't get up. I'll fire myself." -- Sars]

Anyway, back in the Buffyverse it looks like trouble because Spike hasn't kept the eggs frozen (which was necessary to keep them from hatching). Coming up behind them, Spike tells Riley that he can stop calling him "Doctor" and that he's just holding the eggs for a friend. Buffy punches Spike hard and knocks him down, saying, "No more games." His nose bloodied, Spike jumps up and shouts, "No more games? That's all you've ever done is play me. And you keep playing with rules you make up as you like!" He shrugs his shirt back onto his shoulder and is practically in tears as he continues, "You know what I am. You've always known." And then sadly, "You come to me all the same." Riley and Buffy harsh a little on Spike as he runs out of the room. Then the eggs hatch, and little squealy crab-like things start skittering towards Riley and Buffy. There's a ton of them, and Riley and Buffy only have one gun. For some reason, Riley gives it to Buffy, and for some reason, the girl who can fire a cross-bow into a vampire's heart can't hit anything with sophisticated weaponry. Yeah, I don't get it either. Buffy and Riley have no way to defeat the krabby creatures, so they decide to run away. They scamper up into the crypt, and Riley says they need a way to "contain" the krabby kritters. I'm picturing a very large Tupperware container doing the job nicely, but Buffy yanks off Riley's entire tool belt (you can pause your TiVo here on a full-screen Riley crotch-shot, if you like that sort of thing), pulls the pin on a grenade, and drops the whole thing below. They duck and cover as Spike's bedroom area is blown all to hell.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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