Buffy finds her mom, who's waiting with two trays of food. Joyce is all, where's my dress? Whoops! What wackiness! We cut to Joyce plowing madly through her closet, shrieking, "I haven't a thing to wear to that cocktail party! And is this a wire hanger?" Not really, but am I really supposed to care an iota about this development? It couldn't have been that important, Joyce, if you left it until the store was about to close. Nevertheless, Joyce lectures Buffy on being responzzzz. She asks, "Don't you ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?" Isn't it creepy when the characters talk directly to you? I feel so cheap now. Buffy: "Saving the world from vampires?" Joyce: "I swear, sometimes I don't know what goes on in your head." Haw haw -- ain't that the funniest thing you ever did hear? Credits.
We reopen with a scene that I'd guess brought a class-action lawsuit against the Buffy lip-mike operators. Xander and Cordelia are slurping away in the darkened utility closet. Cordy starts to say something, but Xander turns on the light and says, "This would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk." Cordy shoots back: "Well, it would work a lot better for me with the lights off." And it would work a lot better for me if this scene ended up on the cutting-room floor, but does anyone care? Nope: lights off, smoochers home. Then Xander turns the light back on and asks if Cordy can't look at him when they kiss. Xander, the setup man isn't supposed to set himself up. Cordy: "No, it's not that I can't, it's more...I don't want to." See what happens, Xander? They start bitching that they're both ashamed of what they're doing and it's hurting their self-esteem and does anyone not know that they're going to be lip-wrestling again in a matter of seconds? Good, then I can skip that part. They sink out of the frame, and my face sinks to the wastebasket. In case you're attached to the graphic sound effects: Baaarrrrfffff.
Cut to a portly bespectacled teacher uttering, "S-E-X!" The class responds, "V-I-R-G-I-N!" Well, you know they were thinking it. The teacher goes on that the human sex drive is intense. "How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?" Xander raises his hand, and everyone tee-hees as the teacher says it wasn't a poll, but frankly, I don't think that was a particularly appropriate rhetorical question to pose to a high-school class. Resonant? Yes. Appropriate? Not so much. Cordy lowers her head in shame, as well she should. The teacher thankfully finishes his pilgrimage to the point, which is that our hormones can bring us to have sex despite the negative consequences. Hear that noise? That's the sound of thousands of viewers uncomfortably crossing their legs upon remembering their worst sexual experiences. The teacher asks for an example. Well, there was this one time I dated this guy in L.A. when I was living in New York, and I went out to visit him, and the first night I was there, he ditched me to go chase after some club trash who was high on crystal meth. Charming, huh? He's fat now, and he just turned 35. Hee. As one of my lovely best friends (who will be covering the Oscars for the site) once told me, "There's nothing sadder than an aging Lothario." Yes, she will make a fine recapper.