Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Beauty And The Beasts

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B- | 5 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Abuse is bad, mmmkay?

We open with a shot of the full moon. Then the camera moves quickly through the woods, as Buffy in voice-over recites a passage from The Call Of The Wild. Her voice changes into Willow's. She's in the library, reading the story to a werewolf we assume is Oz, who's locked in the cage across from Giles's office. Willow appears to be enjoying reading to Oz until she says the word "rabbit," at which he barks. Willow: "Maybe we should try a less stimulating passage." A sleepy-looking Xander arrives: "Private Harris reporting for Oz watch." He recognizes the book Willow's reading as the one he's "reading the Cliffs Notes for." You know, not that I haven't used Cliffs Notes in a jam, but I'm glad they never made us try to buy Xander going to college. Between his lack of brains and his lack of motivation, I wouldn't have been on board. Which makes me surprised that Marti Noxon didn't write an episode about it. Willow explains that the story is "very wolf-y" and soothing, "except for the parts about" -- she whispers -- "rabbits." Oz still hears her, and barks again. Willow tells Xander where Oz's clothes are, and explains that she put towels over the cage for privacy. Xander thinks he can handle the "Oz full Monty," and then predictably backpedals a bit so no one thinks he's gay. Hey, I'm just one gay man, but in my opinion, no one thinks you're gay because no one cares one way or the other. Willow says that the towels are for her, because she's still getting used to "half a Monty." Xander rather petulantly asks which half, and Willow coyly puts him off: "Wouldn't you like to know." Damn straight I would, Willow. So to speak. Oh, right, you were talking to Xander. Willow exposits that this is the first night of Oz's three-night werewolf cycle, and gives Xander a tranquilizer gun to use in case there's trouble. She thanks him, explaining that she wouldn't have asked but for a test she has the next day, and he assures her that she can count on him. She leaves, and within ten seconds, he's lying face-down on a desk with his eyes closed. Jerk. Oz is growly.

Buffy and Faith patrol a graveyard. Faith wonders if Buffy has ever caught kids doing "the ditty" up here. The "ditty"? "Camptown Races"? "Leroy Brown"? That may not have been what she said, but I swear it's what I heard. Damn videotape. Anyway, I'm thinking Faith's more of an "I Touch Myself" kind of girl. Buffy says there's a "smooch spot" up by the woods, and Faith wonders if Buffy and Scott have been up there "kicking the gear shift." Buffy sniffs, "Hardly." I think Scott does drive stick, but that has nothing to do with Buffy. Buffy says they've only been on a few dates. Banter about whether Buffy gets a "down-low tickle" when she thinks about him. Buffy says that he's funny. Funny ha-ha? Or funny in that he's a better dancer and shopper than you? English is a funny language that way. See what I did there? Buffy says that her "most favorite" (and this is a girl who aces the SATs in a few episodes, people) thing about Scott is that he's "not some kind of hell-beast." Faith: "All men are beasts, Buffy." You know, I was hoping that the first anvil of this episode wouldn't come from Faith. With that Slayer strength, it really hurt. Faith continues, "Every guy from Manimal to Mr. 'I Love The English Patient' has beast in him. And I don't care how sensitive they act. They're all still just in it for the chase." You know, I didn't like The English Patient at all. Does that make me insensitive? Sars? ["Don't ask me. I'm so insensitive that I slept through most of it." -- Sars]

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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