Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Beer Bad

Episode Report Card
Sep: D | 3 USERS: D
YOU GRADE IT
Beer Bad

Commercials. Roller Coaster Tycoon? That seems like a rip-off of Theme Park, a game in which you designed and ran your own amusement park. It had some interesting effects, such as visible vomit and audible retching noises if you turned up the nausea dial on your coasters too high. It was originally intended to run on a 486, but I played it on my P-90, which made it almost unplayably fast even on the slowest setting. Sometimes I would let it run as fast as it could go just to watch my screen fill with vomit and hear retch after retch. I am easily amused. Which means this must be one craptacular episode of Buffy for me to write a whole paragraph about the commercial break.

The Caveboys finally notice that the room they are in is a raging inferno. Too bad they didn't burn to a crisp; the episode could've ended right here.

Xander catches up to Buffy somewhere on campus. Xander: "Can't find the beer? Good. Freshman girl can't hold the beer. Shouldn't have it." Snerk. Buffy growls threateningly at Xander, who stretches out a hand the way you do to a strange dog, reminding her, "Boy smell nice." Boy is not the only thing Buffy smells. She and Xander catch a whiff of smoke coming from a close by building. Buffy declares, "Fire bad," and dashes off. Wow, Buffy, thank you for telling me that.

Flames. More infernal monkey noises. By this time in ST:NG Data had probably turned into a Pentium II or something.

Buffy enters the burning building. She spies a fire extinguisher and picks it up. She stares quizzically at it for a few minutes, shaking it. She finally pitches it into the flames. Shouldn't it explode? Buffy catches sight of Willow behind a wall of flames. This causes her to take a running leap over the flames with an assist from the couch. Xander has finally found his way into this shot and yells out, "Buffy!" When he gets no response, he stumbles outside, muttering, "Where the hell is Giles?" Where the hell is the fire department?

Giles is still looking for Buffy in the dorms, describing her as "blonde. About this tall. She walks with a, uh, sideways limp." The student gives him a very confused look. I would too. The way Giles is describing Buffy makes her sound like a crab in a blonde wig.

We're back at Bam-Bam's inferno. Buffy sees a window on the far wall. She leaps up to grab some pipes near the ceiling and inches her way towards the window. They look like sprinkler pipes to me, which makes me wonder why the sprinklers aren't on. I'm pretty sure they're required by law in all California public schools. Buffy then hooks her knees over another set of pipes parallel to the window and swings backwards, unlatching the window as she reaches the apex of her turn -- an impressive move for someone who hasn't yet mastered the use of helping verbs. It was also utterly unnecessary, as we see Bam-Bam and his crew climb up a bookcase and out the window. Now is it just me, or is there some subtle reverse sexism at play here? Maybe it's just because Buffy is the Slayer, but so far she's the only one of the beer-afflicted who has displayed some semblance of intelligence. The caveboys have merely been noisy and destructive. Anyway. Buffy picks up Willow in a fireman's carry and hands her through the window to Xander, who is rounding everyone up outside. Parker, amazingly enough, has regained consciousness. You'd think that since he had already gotten knocked out and the levels of smoke are probably dangerous by now, he wouldn't have come to, but he does for the sake of this next visual gag. Parker starts sniveling about their predicament to Buffy, who merely stares at him. Until she conks him over the head with a stick and knocks him out again. I admit that that was vaguely satisfying. However, it wasn't satisfying enough to justify extending his lack of a plot for another episode and making me sit through it. I think I deserve to beat someone over the head for that. Someone like, say, the writers.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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