Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Beer Bad

Episode Report Card
Sep: D | 2 USERS: D+
YOU GRADE IT
Beer Bad

Credits. I miss Faith.

Establishing daytime shot of campus. Buffy and Willow sit outside, studying at a table. A lighter is thrust into Buffy's face and Xander asks, "Rough day?" in a solicitous tone. He asks her to "be a lonely drunk" and extends the lighter again. Buffy glares. Xander explains that he has been hired as the new bartender at the "Pub." Willow (please change your shirt, honey, it looks like a demented daisy) speculates that Xander's too young to be a bartender, and he whips out a very phony driver's license. Willow: "I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up." Xander: "What gives it away?!" Willow: "Lookin' at it." Xander explains that it doesn't matter because he will be the one doing the carding. Buffy reminds him that he will have to mix drinks as well. Xander again tries to get Buffy to tell him her problems, but Buffy just glares. "I'm pregnant by my stepbrother, who'd rather be with my best friend, who's left me with no place to live, no food, except for this bottle of Wild Turkey which I drank all up," pipes up Willow. Buffy doesn't even hear her and stares into space. Xander gives Willow a surprised look and Willow explains she was being "tanked and friendless" for Xander. Methinks Willow is a good friend and Buffy could learn a thing or two from her.

Buffy the Eternal Mope says it's time to go to class and the three start on their way. Xander asks if the girls will come by the pub tonight, but Willow explains she has a date with Oz. Buffy, never one to be bothered by the concerns of others, starts trying to justify Parker's behavior by suggesting that guys keep the girls they really like in "brain fantasy bubbles where everything is perfect." "How's the fugue state coming along?" queries Xander, but that doesn't shut Buffy up, oh no -- she continues with her pathetic delusion that Parker will decide he wants her and ask her out to dinner. Willow tells her she needs to stop thinking about Parker and that there are better men "wherein the mind is stronger than the penis." "Nothing can defeat the penis!" shouts Xander in a deep, dubbed-in Charlton Heston-type voice. The girls glare. Buffy continues to defend Parker, and Willow is not impressed.

The scene shifts to Xander tending bar later that night. The place is crowded; patrons are demanding their drinks, and Xander is having problems keeping up. Buffy mopes into the place wearing some sort of I-don't-know-what outfit. It looks like a 1970s Garanimal shirt that fits funny across the hips, and baggy khakis. This is a bar, right? I happen to know they're pretty strict about checking ID in California. Buffy spots Parker chatting up a girl and cranes her head for a better look. As she shifts position, she trips over Riley's giant tuber nose and spills his drink. He apologizes, and they proceed to have yet another chemistry-free discussion. Sheesh, spare me. Riley says he's "ungainly" and I certainly am not going to argue, but he forgot to add "ugly." He asks if Buffy is looking for someone, and she mentions Parker. Riley makes derisive noises about Parker's womanizing ways and says he "should have his attention span checked." Buffy says she guesses that Parker is a girl-chaser, and Riley launches into a boring speech about what his father told him about being a gentleman. Buffy's attention wanders, and I can't blame her. Riley notices Buffy isn't listening and excuses himself; Buffy gets a glimpse of Parker shoving his tongue down his latest conquest's throat. Oh, hey, you can't be too careful with a show like Buffy, so I should explain I meant that in a metaphorical sense.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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