MONDO EXTRAS

Elsewhere, in a nice house, Christine Baranski is introducing her daughter Selma Blair, a.k.a. Cecile, to Buffy, a.k.a. Kathryn. It seems Cecile is going to start attending Manchester Prep, where Buffy/Kathryn is "one of the most popular girls in school." Buffy brandishes a religious object, talks about turning to God, and promises to take good care of Cecile, who actually does a pretty good job of acting awkward and clueless. Mom, can't you tell Buffy is evil now? She has dark hair! Anyway, Sebastian comes in, yells in Mom's ear for no apparent reason, delivers a revolting single entendre, and tries to look up Cecile's skirt. I take it back. He is charming.

When mother and daughter leave, Sebastian says, "I didn't know it was asshole day at the Valmont house." Well, if it is, looks to me like you're the asshole, funboy. Buffy snorts some coke out of her religious talisman. Ah, now we know that when she said "God" she meant "smack."

Anyhow, turns out Buffy and Sebastian are step-siblings, and their parents are out of town on vacation, where Buffy's mom thinks Sebastian's "impotent, alcoholic father is diddling the maid." I think Buffy's mom needs to make up her mind, because her husband may be drinking himself into impotence, and he may be diddling the maid, but I don't think he can be doing both. Anyway, blah blah blah, the terrible twosome are bored of their teenage lives, and their money and power and material goods and endless attractive sexual partners. Boo hoo. Buffy is jealous cause some guy she likes, Court, is in love with Cecile, so she's hatched a little plot to turn the clueless young-un into "damaged goods." She delivers ridiculous dialogue like, "If there's an attack on Court, it could be traced back to me." Basically, Evil Buffy wants Sebastian to nail Cecile. You know, this kind of scheming, and talk of "ruined reputations," made a lot more sense in pre-revolution French salons. So what if Cecile has sex? Suddenly this "Court" guy won't want her anymore? Whatever.

Sebastian declines because he's got his eye on a bigger challenge. A new girl is moving to town from Kansas (Reese -- yay, a good actor). She is apparently so committed to her virginity that she published a cover story about it in a major glossy magazine. "Girl From Kansas Won't Get Laid." Stop the presses. What. Ever. Oh, and the folder on Sebastian's car seat contains his precious journal, in which he records all of his sexual adventures. This could possibly figure in the plot in some crucial way.