Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Cruel Intentions

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Cruel Intentions
Of course, in Dangerous Liaisons, Valmont and Danceny meet at dawn for a duel that they have arranged beforehand, and they have swords, and Valmont lets Danceny stab him, and it's pretty damn cool. This scene, by contrast, blows. Blah blah blah, I love you Sebastian, I love you Reese, he dies. First day of school. The new headmaster (who, we learned at the beginning of the movie, is Reese's dad, but I didn't mention that because it matters not at all) is leading a service for Sebastian. Cokehead Buffy is snorting out of her religious talisman in the bathroom. Reese comes out of a stall, and they have a fake-nice chat where they meet for the first time, and Reese says she's sorry about Buffy's brother, and Buffy obviously doesn't care that he's DEAD, which I find hard to believe since she may be mean, but I don't buy for a second that she actually wanted him to GET KILLED. Reese tells Buffy to "turn to Jesus," but we know she means "smack," and at this point I'm ready to turn to Jesus to get through the rest of this movie, if you know what I mean. Buffy is giving a little speech to the students about Sebastian. In the middle of her speech a Random Girl runs in, excitedly shows some bound written material to some people, points outside, and everyone starts streaming out of the room after her. Buffy wonders angrily if these people have any respect, which is a fair question, because wouldn't the average person wait until the memorial service is over to go see what neato thing is taking place outside? What-frigging-ever. Anyhow, as "Bittersweet Symphony" rounds out the soundtrack, Buffy follows the crowd outside, where everyone is reading copies of Sebastian's journal, which is un-cleverly called Cruel Intentions. Wow, that journal became more important than I ever imagined. It reveals all the embarrassing truths about Bad Buffy, and everyone looks at her disapprovingly, because they've all apparently read the entire thing in the three minutes they've had to do so. The headmaster reaches for Buffy's Coke-Cross, opens it, and spills out her stash, which I guess means that that little secret is in the journal, too. But of course the headmaster hasn't seen the journal yet, so like everything else in this movie, this makes no sense. Indeed, upon careful review, I see that there is a page in the journal with a picture of Bad Buffy with the words "deceitful" and "coke problem" written around her head. Gee, I hope no one ever photocopies a picture of me and writes something bad near it, because apparently this would incriminate me, and justify random searches of my personal belongings by people who haven't even seen it.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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