Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Crush

Episode Report Card
Sep: B+ | 3 USERS: A-
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They fight. And fight.

A train pulls into the Sunnydale station, where the last working porter in America awaits. As the train comes to a stop, the porter seems surprised that nobody is disembarking. I wouldn't be. It's Sunnydale, for God's sack. Now if it were the train departing Sunnydale, that would make a lot more sense. So the porter goes inside to investigate. Uh oh. It looks like someone couldn't wait until they got to the dining car. Of course, to a vamp (oh, did I spoil that for you? It's been so long since we've had a real vamp on this show), I guess the whole damn train is a dining car. The porter catches sight of something, turns around, and runs screaming for the exit. He almost makes it, too. And thus endeth the last working porter in America.

Buffy returns home to find Dawn, Joyce, and Giles in the living room. Oh dear god, what is she wearing? Gold lamé three-quarter-length coat? Okay, look, hon. You are an attractive girl. Some people might term you "hot beyond belief." But please believe me here when I say that nobody, and I mean no one, is hot enough to pull off the C3PO look. Anyway. Giles delivers one of his three lines, and Buffy follows him to the foyer. She mentions that everyone has been going easy on Dawn lately, but Giles tells her that they should just treat her as they always have. Thus satisfied, Buffy turns around and screams, "Dawn! What did I tell you about borrowing my clothing?" Dawn protests that she hasn't touched anything of Buffy's. For some reason, she doesn't point out that not even refugees from war-torn countries would willingly appropriate anything from Buffy's closet. Buffy demands to know what has become of her cashmere sweater, then, and we cut to…

Spike, the laundry stalker. He's fondling Buffy's missing sweater when he's interrupted by Harmony in a skimpy negligee. Spike tries to rebuff her advances, but Harmony is very persistent. At her mention of "playing a game," a light bulb goes on over Spike's head.

"Oh I'm gonna stake you," threatens Harmony as she jumps into the frame, wearing Buffy's sweater and looking remarkably like the Buffy of the comic books. She skulks around the crypt doing a piss-poor Buffy imitation until a shirtless Spike tackles her to the ground.

Fade up on UC Sunnydale. Willow, Tara, and Buffy are having an utterly contrived discussion about The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Tara's outfit. I can't take it. They're breaking me. They're finally breaking me. I've lived through the maxi-skirts, the tops held together by dental floss, the copious amounts of shirred fabric, even the floor-length sweatshirt coat. But then they give me this top and I'm almost reduced to tears. Don't think I'm a wimp or nuthin'. I've been to Ross before. I've seen what gets sent to the retail outlet of misfit clothing and laughed in its face. But I just can't bring myself to even describe Tara's shirt. So anyway. The only reason they're discussing the book is to make a very obvious parallel between Spike and Buffy. Tara goes on to sum it up in terms that even the feeble-minded are sure to understand when she says, "You can tell it's not going to have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy." As they walk through the lounge, Buffy is distracted by the headline on a newspaper about the people murdered on the train and quickly deduces that it was a vamp attack.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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