Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Dead Things

Episode Report Card
Sep: B- | 2 USERS: B+
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Dead Things

This recap contains opinions. Use caution, as opinions may be harmful to your health. If accidentally swallowed, do not induce vomiting. Believe me, it hasn't made the Spuffy 'ship any more tolerable.

Previously on Buffy: the Scoobies speculated that they brought Buffy back wrong; Buffy denied the charges. The Legion of Dim made trouble, but Buffy didn't take them very seriously. Dawn sulked at Buffy's lack of nurturing. Tara baby-talked and dumped Willow. Willow dumped magic. Buffy and Spike argued about his feelings for her; they had sex, which made Buffy disgusted with herself. The good kind of disgusted, apparently, since she went back for more.

Pan across Spike's crypt. Lots of grunting, crashing, breaking of things, and moaning. Camera carefully shows us that no one is in the bed. And of course they're not, unless they bring lots of crockery to bed to break. Camera continues to pan, and I'm bored already. Like, okay, Buffy and Spike are having sex. I have to hear every grunt, as usual. Can we just move on to some actual plot already? We finally pan over to Spike and Buffy, who have apparently just finished, and it's just so annoying, because there's nothing around them that could have caused the crashing noises we just heard .02 seconds ago, plus both of them are on the floor under heavy oriental carpets, which would have seriously hampered any lamp- and dish-breaking in the first place. I'm tired of the sex scenes, but I'm extra tired of the unconvincing sex scenes. So here are Spike and Buffy, naked, under itchy, mostly likely very dusty, carpets. Um, how sexy. I hope neither of them has allergies. Casual pillow -- er, rug talk. Buffy jokes about missing the bed and asks if the rug is new. It's not, and then Buffy actually compliments Spike's place. He jokes about having eaten a decorator once, and Buffy shares that she's thinking of fixing up her room, since the "New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date" her. First vampires and now boy bands? Ooooh, she means the posters are giving away her age. As if her sad, lined face weren't already doing that. Spike chuckles and leans in close with an offer of room-sprucing help, then asks in surprise, "Are we having a conversation?" Buffy says no, but laughs and concedes that perhaps they are. Spike is worried that she's going to kick him in the head next and run away, and Buffy giggles, "That's the plan -- as soon as my legs start working." More laughing, but then Spike has to screw it up as usual. He praises her sexual technique, saying, "The way you make it hurt in all the wrong places. I've never been with such an animal!" Buffy, what with all the worries about coming back wrong, takes great offense at being called an animal and starts digging around for her chonies under the rug. She gives unconvincing lip service to needing to be home before Dawn goes to bed. If Dawn were a kitten or a fish, she would have withered up and died by now. Buffy's just lucky she's in charge of a being that can forage for its own food. As Buffy struggles into her drawers, Spike asks what she thinks is between them, and Buffy basically denies that they have anything at all other than sex. Spike looks her right in the eye and says, "Do you even like me?" Oh, poor Spike, not. If you let yourself get used for sex, then you end up, well, used for sex, Just say no, Spike. Look how well it's working for Willow. Buffy admits that she likes Spike "sometimes," and then he pulls out a pair of handcuffs. "Do you trust me?" he wants to know. "Never," replies Buffy. But don't forget, kiddies, as defined by The New Buffy Usage Dictionary: Muddying The Sexual Consent Waters, any negative used by Buffy in the vicinity of Spike actually indicates agreement.

Jonathan, Andrew and Warren are in a new basement lair. Jonathan flips through a box of records and touches Andrew's "Frampton Comes Alive" record, which causes all sorts of bickering and magic bone-shaking between the two beta nerds. Alpha nerd Warren bitches at them and then calls them over to charge the "cerebral dampener" that he's been working on. All three guys don red sunglasses, and Andrew pulls out a musk gland from some Not-Going-To-Transcribe-The-Name demon that's needed to complete the dampener. Jonathan sprinkles powder over the gland and chants a spell, which causes orange energy to zap out of his hand and into a small chrome sphere sitting on the desk. Jonathan sulks about his sore hand as Warren gloats that the cerebral dampener gives them the power to make "any woman [they] desire [their] willing sex slave"; Andrew and Jonathan look a little blank, but Warren crows, "I know just where to start!"

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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