Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Doublemeat Palace

Episode Report Card
Ace: C+ | 2 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Buffy's got a job!

Over at the table, Willow calls out that she's found something. Dawn and Xander come over, and Xander needles Willow about whether she's been using potions. Willow insists she's been using chemistry, not magic, and grits out, "You can tell by how damn slow it is." Willow has mixed a solution that should react to human blood, and as she prepares the sample, Anya rushes into the store. Xander and Anya bicker about Hallie, and Xander sticks his foot in his mouth by seeking reassurance that Anya didn't resemble Hallie back in the day. Anya gets her back up about that, but they're interrupted by Willow, who is ready to test the solution. And makes very sure to point out that she's not using magic to do so. Yawn. As Willow peers into the microscope, Xander and Anya bicker some more. Willow doesn't see a reaction in the sample, which proves that the meat is "not human." Anya speculates that the meat could be from demons, a practice to which she is opposed, "no matter how much money it saves." Willow says she might be seeing "cellulose" through the microscope, and then opines, "There's something weird here."

Over at the Doublemeat Palace, Buffy is continuing her search, still carrying Manny's false foot. She spots what she thinks is a scalp, but then figures out that it's a wig. "Wig Lady?" she wonders, picking the thing up and referring to the old lady who likes cherry pies. Behind her, said lady, sporting a totally bald dome, frets, "Oh dear. 'Wig Lady'? Is that what they call me?" She says she doesn't like the name and that she needs to do something to hide "this." "This" being a long, thick demon which pops out of her head and squeals at Buffy. Let me amend that. It's a long, thick, snake-like demon with a head shaped just like a penis, that squeals at Buffy and then sprays liquid out of its mouth and onto her. Just think about that for a minute. I know I did. And kudos to whichever of our posters renamed the restaurant, and this episode, "Doublemeat Phallus." Because that's damn funny, and I wish I had thought of it myself. Buffy stumbles away from the squealing, pointy-toothed phallus demon.

As Buffy tries to get away, the villain enjoys her moment in the sun in the time-honored way -- by blathering on about her methods and motivations. She loves to eat the Doublemeat employees because they're so full of burgers and "slide down so smooth." Buffy falls to the floor and then whangs Dickhead the Demon with a metal tray. Outside, it appears that Willow has come to check on Buffy and tell her about the content of the meat patties. However, she finds the doors of the restaurant locked, so she tries to contact Buffy by using the speaker on the drive-through. As Buffy flails around inside, evading Dickhead by crawling under the food prep counters, Willow tells her that the burgers are made from vegetable matter, and then segues into confessing that Amy zapped her with magic. Willow used it for herself, and now she feels "shaky and like [she] need[s] it." Dickhead, with its veiny, ropy neck and smooth-domed head, squeals at Buffy. She hides, but Wig Lady pulls her out from under the table and sets her on her feet. Dickhead begins to munch on Buffy's shoulder and I, in a haze of boredom, wonder why it doesn't just go right for her throat. I mean, shoulders are all bony, and chewing on them doesn't do much to slow a half-paralyzed person down. By contrast, throats are all soft and squishy and biting one pretty much takes care of the victim's struggling right away. Buffy tries to reach a weapon and ends up turning on the meat grinder. Willow, alarmed by the noise inside, has managed to find a way into the restaurant, and she runs up behind the Wig Lady. Buffy just stands there and doesn't say anything as Willow narrowly misses Dickhead's paralyzing ejaculation. Are Buffy's vocal cords paralyzed at this point, or has she just been seized by a terrible case of ennui? Dickhead and the Wig Lady turn back to Buffy, but Willow pops up again, this time with a cleaver. "Missed me!" she snarls, and cuts Dickhead off near his base. Buffy, the Wig Lady, and Dickhead all fall to the floor. Buffy tries to stab the still-squealing Dickhead with a plastic knife, but Willow further saves the day by picking the thing up and throwing it into the meat grinder. As a2zmom said on the boards, this episode has taught us all that "if a big penis monster comes after you, get a lesbian to whack it." Hee. Willow is all excited at having saved Buffy until she catches sight of the green goo splurping out of the grinder. "Ew," say Buffy, Willow, and Ace in unison.

Daytime. Amy clomps up to the Summers home, still looking pretty damn good for someone who's supposed to be suffering from a terrible, dehabilitating addiction. She rings the bell, and Willow answers. Amy asks to come in, but Willow firmly tells her, "You really can't." Amy jokes around a little, but Willow tells her that she's not welcome at the Summers home anymore. "I can't spend time with you anymore." Seemingly confused, Amy wonders if Willow didn't like her "birthday present." Willow insists that what Amy did to her was wrong and has made everything so much harder for her, but Amy just gloats that Willow can't seem to deny that she enjoyed having magic again for awhile. When Willow tells her to shut up, Amy snarks at such a lame response: "Were you on the debate team? I forget. I forgot a lot while you were failing to not make me be not a rat." That's some incredibly awkward sentence construction there. I checked that six times to make sure I had it right. But I like the idea that Amy actually harbors resentment towards Willow for all that time she sat in that cage. I hope this goes somewhere! "Amy, if you really are my friend, you better stay away from me. And if you really aren't…you better stay away from me," threatens Willow. They stare at each other appraisingly, in a sort of "this town isn't big enough for the two of us" way, and then Amy, with a tiny smile, turns to leave.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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